What I want to say doesn't always come out right!

Gee baby ain't I good to you..l

2010-06-05T14:33:00.002-05:00

Life has been really good to me this week. Monday off, spent with Rob's family, worked Tuesday thru Friday and went to see my fave cover band FNR with Rob, his sis Gaby, her bff Lauren, Lauren's p's, Vince and O-man. What an awesome bunch of people! None better (besides Rob's other sis who wasn't feeling up to going!)! Today I am watching my nephews while his sis is at an allday concert. Does it get any better? Rob has been great! I laid down the law a few weeks back and it's been all uphill! I couldn't ask for a better guy! Thank you God for my family and friends!

Life in general...

2010-04-23T13:54:00.002-05:00

...has been good. The boys are growing up as well as Giselle. She is four and a half already! Life with Robert has its ups and down. Some days are better than others as it is in every relationship. There have not been any more incidents of cheating and living together can be a challenge, but overall I am actually happy. I didn't think the time would come where I would be able to say that truthfully and one hundred percent. I am taking life one day at a time and when it's rough I take one hour at a time. Life is a pie and I definately want my piece!

Things are looking up

2008-10-30T16:24:00.002-05:00

The financial things are beginning to brighten. Have put in a few hours of overtime the last two weeks and hopefully tomorrow and next week as well. Can pay my half of the bills now without the pain of a fight. Our money is separate which is fine by me. All my girlfriends say he should be helping me out more because he makes twice as much money as me. Sometimes I see the point, but at the same time it makes me feel a little independent. Haven't gotten into a fight in about a week. The last fight we had wasn't major. But I have begun telling not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. I am getting a little bit stronger. I wish I could just separate my heart completely from him but I can't. If he leaves it will not be because he didn't know if I loved him or not. I breath for him as well as my kids. If he doesn't see that well then he must be blind!! I just hope things keep going my way. I hope Karma just leaves me alone for awhile. Unless she is going to be good to me. Then she plop her ass down on my couch for as long as she wants!!!!!!!!!

Why?

2008-09-05T21:51:00.002-05:00

Why is it he is being a dick today? Sure things are really hard right now financially. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it disappears. That's how it has always been in my life. So he comes home and starts bitching about the car breaking down. Long story, don't want to rehash it. So I am writing. I love to write. It's an outlet for me. For my emotions which we all know are insane! So he says something to the effect of "why are you bothering? It's not like you're going to make thousands of dollars from it!" Can you tear me down any more? Things are really hard right now. Now is the time we should be growing together stronger. But you just have to be a total asshole. Thanks. Just what I need.

?????

2008-08-06T16:26:00.003-05:00

Despite our argument the other night, things have been okay. At least, I think they have been okay. But apparently I live in LaLaLand. It's hard to stay angry when you are so very much in love with someone. I get frustrated but then I look at him and I just get overwhelmed by all this emotion. Maybe stupidity overrides all else. My thoughts are a jumbled mess so I won't bother anymore.

WTF???

2008-07-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

Rob and I got into last night because on my MySpace page it said "I'm the girl who is constantly reminded of her mistakes and has them shoved down her throat." That WAS my headline. But he got all pissed off cuz he says it is negative. Well, that headline says more about me than anything I can say. At least I don't have my tits hangin out and it says I'm divorced (I actually put that I'm married so no one tries any funny shit!!!!!!!!!) and that my occupation is a partier. That would be his sister's. She isn't divorced. She is VERY married for 7 years. So I tell him that and it doesn't matter to him. I mean, good Lord, his name is at the top and I have changed the headline to read "Hopelessly in love with RAL (actually says his name...)". He is all over my page!
I think he cheated on his wife and she paid him back with the same token (his saying!!) and he is afraid I will do the same. Sorry bud. Not like that. So anyway, I have changed it. He still is pissed off but you know what? I will get over it. If he doesn't, well then that is his problem! His antics are getting old. Just because I love him doesn't mean I have to put up with his crap. I have told him that. He needs to see that I love him. Despite all of his faults. He doesn't understand that he is NOT perfect! He says he knows it but he is so high up on his high horse that sooner or later he is gonna fall off and it's a LONG way down!!!!!!!!! So that is my rant for the day. Why can't he just try to be happy? Isn't that what all humankind strives for? Happiness?

Life is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm back! Im happy! And I am completely in love with Robert!!!!!!!!! My computer is up and running and now I can blog all I want! The last year has had its up and downs. The biggest leap forward is that we now live together. It hasnt been perfect the last 9 months but it's been really really good! I have put my anger aside and am still learning to put aside the cheating. I have forgiven him 90% but I can't forget. I keep trying but it's not working.
On another note, when I get batteries for my camera I will be updating Giselle's page. She was soooo small! Now she is potty trained and quite the little princess! My oldest son is having a blast in high school! He has a steady girlfriend (who I am not quite sure I like) and lots of friends. He did pretty well in school this year. I am proud. My 15 year old is going to make me tear out my hair! He thinks he knows it all. Of course I think we all did at 15! My thirteen year old is doing very well too. Loves middle school and has already had girls calling my house! AAARRRGGGHHH! My 11 year old graduated 5th grade and starts middle school in the fall despite needing Special Education classes. They thought they would have to hold him back but they got it together and got him the help he needs.
All in all life is beautiful. I get to wake up to the people who mean the most to me! I have a good paying job and have a lot of new friends. This is one post where I can honestly say I can't complain. I have it good.

Another day...

2007-05-29T01:03:00.000-05:00

Had a boring weekend but it was nice because I spent it with Robert. The kids were with my mom except the baby. We went bowling Friday night, went to his new friend's house on Saturday and went to a birthday party on Sunday. Today I worked and then we went to his parent's house. We are still talking about moving in together but with all the past drama, I don't know if it's a good idea. I want what's best for my family and I also want to be happy. Things are a little better. I am still having a problem with the cheating but I am working on forgiving him. I don't know how it will work out. I still have a few months to decide what I want.

What a crazy ride!

2006-12-01T00:08:00.000-06:00

These past few months have been nuts, seriously. I have moved in with my girlfriend with her kids and my boys. Giselle is with Robert and the boys father is wanted for a felony and abandoned them with me. I got a job at Target nearby. It's seasonal but I think they are gonna keep me. I don't want to jinx it though. Things are rough. Robert and I are going through really hard times. I love him and I am giving it all I have, but I don't know if it will last. Only time will tell.

I'm back again (for a minute)

2006-08-26T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm at the library once again. So because this is personal and I don't want anyone to read over my shoulder, I will make it quick. I stayed with Robert. I have been thrown out of my house because I couldn't find a job fast enough. So I have been staying with him for about 2 weeks. Still looking for a job. I can't stay there much longer because my fears were right. I took his phone the other day and listened to his messages. There was a saved one from a girl. I confronted him about it and he said that it was his married friend's girlfriend. Ididn't buy it and I told him as much. So I took off with his phone for the night adn she called back 9 times for his friend. I said, "If you're covering for your friend why is she calling 9 times? Why didn't she just leave him a message and that is it?" She was obviously wanting him to answer. So anyway, I hve to get out of there. I have to get a job and then I am out. I will only have the baby. Dickhead finally stood up and is taking the boys. So that's it in a nutshell. Miss you all and I can't wait to be able to catch up on your blogs!

I'm back for a minute

2006-08-23T16:03:00.000-05:00

The shit has hit the fan. My computer is still out so I am at the library doing this. I got thrown out into the street by my mom. Been living hand to mouth with no cash except what Robert gives to me. He's been okay. He's gonna take the baby and my ex will have the boys as the 1st of the month. Hopefully I can get it together. Finding a job is even harder now that I don't have an address or a phone. I really need your prayers. Hopefully I can get my shit together soon!

Coming out of hiding

2006-07-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not ready to do so, but I have to get it off my chest. He called me last Monday night. He said he didn't want to hear me bitch and what not about him being gone. He knew he was gonna hear it anyway, but whatever. So I told him I need to think about us and what is going to happen. I am going to decide. I refuse to leave it up to him. I already know what I am going to do I am just letting him stew in it like I was forced to. I will call him Thursday and end it. He has only called a few times and I have instructed all to tell him I am busy. I am still hurt and angry that he could be so inconsiderate of my feelings. So anyway, back into hiding.

No word yet

2006-07-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

I figure he will call when he wants to see Giselle. I wrote him a letter that I will send on Monday. I know it won't matter and there is a one percent chance that I might have spoken to him by the time he gets it but I needed to do it. To let him know exactly what has been on my mind since Wednesday. If I knew how to copy and paste it (it's not in MSWord) to the blog I would. Oh well. It just hurts. I don't know how else to react. I'm angry and hurt and I am channeling an early Alanis right now. I am bitter and cynical and I don't even care anymore. I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.

It's after midnight...again!

2006-07-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

His phone is back on. Left another message. I can't believe this. This is not normal behavior. I wish he would just call me and let me know what is going on. Bastard.

Confused as hell...

2006-07-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

I went by his house. His car and motorcycle were there but he didn't answer the door. So whoever he is with picked him up. I tried to call from a payphone but his voicemail picked up right away again. I went by to drop a letter at his house. I basically said that the ball is in his court. Of course, I am sticking by my "It's over" but he doesn't have to know that. I want answers and if he thinks he doesn't have to explain I will never have any closure. I am so angry right now! You don't even know! So now I wait. That's the hardest part.
I hate this because I love him. This is so not fair!

Friday afternoon

2006-07-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

I still haven't heard from him. The only reason a man stays away from his girl this long without a phone call is because he is with another woman. That is my honest opinion right now. Why wouldn't he try to call or something? I don't want to jump to conclusions but I think that is my most intelligent choice. I would never ever do anything like this! I can't believe that he would do something like this either. He lied to me. No he didn't tell me he was going but lying by omission is still lying. In fact it's worse than lying! It's deceitful and dishonest. I am going to end it with him. There is no excuse for this. I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life and into beyond. God give the strength to do this.
I hope he at least tries to get me to not end it with him. That would make me feel a little better. Like I matter. But it's over. You can't treat someone like they don't exist and think everything will be okay. I love him but I didn't deserve this.
Karma will be my friend. She will look down on me and embrace me. Revenge will be mine without having to do a thing. I will come out smelling like a rose and he will the compost that nourishes my very being. I love Karma!

I can't deal

2006-07-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

He never called me. How can someone be so callous? I am dying inside. Why doesn't he care enough to even call? It's not fair. I have left message after message and still nothing. What excuse could he possibly have for treating me so horribly? And why do I still the jerk after all this? I don't know if I will be able to get past this. Please God give me strength. There might be another post if he answers his phone on his lunch hour. Don't hold your breath.

It's after midnight

2006-07-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

and I still haven't heard from him. I am dying inside. I don't know what to do or to think. Why would he ignore me like this? Sure the first few messages were not very kind. But then I begin to get panicky and they became more worrisome and then they got angry again then they got sad and hopeless. What a joke. Why would he do this unless he is cheating again? Please help me. I need strength.

2006-07-05T17:46:00.000-05:00

Well, his phone is back on. I left a message for him to call me. It's been half an hour and nothing. It's the end isn't it? God I hate being left in the dark in my own life.

You gotta be shittin' me!

2006-07-05T12:13:00.000-05:00

I still haven't heard from him. I tried calling at his lunch hour and his voicemail picked up again. I left him a message telling him that I am actually getting scared that something bad has happened to him. So after stewing for a few minutes I went to his sister Mari's house (she lives a few blocks from me) to find out if they had heard from him. His mom was there and I asked her and she said he told her he was going camping with his friends from work. My first reaction was that I was glad he wasn't dead or in a hospital or in jail! Then it turned to rage and I excused myself saying I had to get back home. I rolled up my windows and let out this big scream of frustration. So I came back home and left another message on his machine thanking him for telling me about his little vacation. So I said that we need to talk cuz it's was kinda weird that he would tell his girlfriend that he was going away. Then I ended with "Or am I your girlfriend?" I have a bad feeling. I have a feeling it's over. I just wish I had been let in on that piece of information. So anyway, I am going to write up a document over custody and child support for Giselle and have him sign it so he doesn't have to think that he needs to be with me to be with her.
The hardest part about this is that I don't want to be without him. I love him. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I just want to explode! I am so angry and so hurt that I really don't know how to react! Now it really needs to be about me. He and I have a lot of talking to do when he comes home. I deserve answers. That's the least he could do for me.
And I just thought of something else. He had to have known by Friday that he was going because he would have had to tell his boss. So now I think he is just up to no good. It really pisses me off because I used to ask him all the time to take a day off of work so he and I could spend time together and he wouldn't do it. And there is NOOO way his boss would let more than one guy at a time take a few days off. He has a small company and each man has one specific job to do. Robert is the one always telling me that Bob would have a hard time replacing him if he quit. So I find it hard to believe that Bob would let him and his friends all take Monday and today off. And he was acting weird Sunday night when he dropped Giselle off.
Dear God, I really need your strength right now. Please make me strong and protect me from what I am sure is to come. Please give me the strength to have the dignity to hold my head up high. My Karma has already come back, Lord, and I have paid for my sins with heartache and pain. Please stand by me in my hour of need. Amen.
I just want to be happy. With or without Robert. I must be an idiot. Here is a guy who is hurting me and I still want to be with him. This cannot be normal. Why would I want to stay when I know that he has concerns for my feelings at all? I am not stupid. I know what I am worth. I know what I am capable of giving a man and what I deserve. So why am I so hopelessly in love with this man? But at the same time they say love is only love when it is honestly returned in kind. But how can I be so sure in my own feelings? The moment it hit me that I truly loved him was when I took him back after cheating on me. I have NEVER done that. That has always been the dealbreaker with me. I don't care how long I have been with someone. You cheat on me that's it. You're done. But I didn't do that with Robert. I really thought about how much he meant to me and I let him back in after alot of thought and prayers and talking to my friends. Maybe I shouldn't have. If he is cheating again I will never speak to him again. I don't deserve it again.

OOOKAAAAY...

2006-07-04T22:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard from Robert at all. I star 67'd my number and tried to call but his voicemail picked up right away. So now my suspicious mind is working overtime. So I wonder where we stand. I guess I wait. I did tell him that I would wait for his call when he had time for me so I can't call him. It's pissin me off. So anyway, maybe I will have something interesting to say tomorrow.

Sorta irritated. No...I AM irritated!!!!

2006-07-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard from Robert since he dropped Giselle off last night around 7pm. I always call him in the morning at 6:20 to make sure he gets up. His phone went straight to voicemail. Then I called at lunch and he didn't pick up. No biggie. Then I called after I knew he should have been home about 5:30. Nothing. I left him a message to call me when he got the message. It's nearly 10:30 and nothing. Here goes my suspicious mind again. It should be interesting if he calls me. I was supposed to go see him tonight. Fat chance that is gonna happen now. So anyway, I'm irritated. Where's the respect? If he was gonna be busy he could've called. Sure I would have been upset but that has never stopped him before from doing whatever the hell he wants. So anyway, keep ya posted.

Saturday

2006-07-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

It was nice party. The band sucked. So the music sucked. The only time Robert and I danced was when the band took a break and they turned on the CD player. I now know I haven't lost it for him. I still feel the same connection when we dance. The rest of the night, however, is a different story. Sure he was busy. I can't deny that. He had to sit at the table with the other attendents (including my son who looked gorgeous in his zoot suit!) for dinner. Then they did the dance. Then he went and sat with his family (mostly his brother Mike who he hadn't seen in months!). So that was fine. But then he mostly igored me the rest of the night. I had to beg him to dance or I would find someone else to dance with. He laughed and pulled me to the dance floor. So after it was over I went back to his house after dropping Brandon off at home and he was asleep! After I said I was coming over to spend some time with him. I was disappointed but I didn't get upset. At least not until I got home this morning and begin to think about last night. I asked him why we don't go dancing anymore and he said because of the baby. I said "What if I get a babysitter?" He said we'd go. So I begin to think about that this morning. He keeps saying he doesn't pay enough attention to me because of the baby. He paid attention to his wife after they had a kid. Enough to knock her up again. So if she left him for another guy I don't understand why. I can understand if he paid here the attention he pays me. I felt so neglected last night. I just can't bring myself to cheat. He is so much to me. When I called him a little while I actually felt a little better. So I told him that I was coming over tomorrow night and that I craved attention from him. I have learned over the last 2 and a half years that subtlety doesn't work with him. I have to just spit out what I want and need. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Numb to it all...

2006-06-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

I haven't been thinking at all. I haven't been overanalyzing anything or hashing and rehashing things over and over like I have done in the past. I think this is my way of being in denial. But at the same timeI have just been doing my thing and if Robert happens to be included and shows up that's fine. He came by yesterday to take my oldest to get his tux fitted for Robert's niece's quincenera. He stuck around for a little while and hung with the boys. I just kind of ignored him while he was here. I don't think he noticed. There hasn't been any drama lately and that's good. Of course I haven't really gone over anything with him or asked him anything. In the last 2 weeks I have seen him 4 times. My choice. My depression is just sort of taking over. I think that if I don't spend so much time with him I won't go insane wondering why he isn't paying more attention to me or whatever goes through my head when I am with him. And it also give me a chance to actually miss him. I don't spit shit out and he knows it so when I tell him I miss him, it's heartfelt.
Tomorrow is Maritza's quincenera and we will be together all day. I am actually looking forward to it. We haven't danced together in forever. That is my connection to him. I miss that. That is when I feel closest to him, when he holds me close and looks into my eyes and smiles. If that connection is gone then I have nothing. Okay, so now I'm scared. Shit. Will report back on Sunday.

Smile!

2006-06-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

I am at a good place right now. I feel at peace with myself even though I have not seen Robert since Friday night. I probably won't see him for a few more days and that is actually okay with me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder I expect. The last few days when I have begun to get anxious wondering where he is, what he's up to, etc. I just tell myself that God is looking out for me and wouldn't put anything on my plate that I can't handle.
Anyway, Giselle is now officially mobile. I wish I could put video on her blog site so everyone could see! She was so cute last night when she finally did it. She got this big goofy grin on her face and just took off and hasn't stopped! My angel!

Things are just going along

2006-06-22T17:25:00.000-05:00

Nothing to "report" today. Things are actually okay. I have been sorta been avoiding Robert. I went over Monday night and he came by Tuesday night for an hour and I haven't seen him since. I have called him a few times, he's called me a few times. But I don't feel like I'm at the end of a relationship. I think taking some time for me has helped even if it's only been 2 weeks. We haven't fought and I am not constantly wondering where he is if he's not with me. I think this is what I've needed. I think that maybe in a few weeks I will be really ready to start fresh with Robert. I know I will never forget that he cheated on me but I think I will be able to completely forgive him. I thought I had, but after doing some soulsearching and going to church and praying, I realized that I hadn't. Not completely. I'm ready now. To love him completely and fully. Something I haven't been able to do in more than a year. I decided it's time to either commit or quit. I want to commit. One hundred percent.

Finding myself despite myself

2006-06-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

The talk went well. I told Robert that I need to find myself to make myself happy before I could make him happy. He agreed with me and said he loved me despite of my apparent bouts of irratonality (Is that even a word?) Anyway, I am still taking things one day at a time and have decided to do more things for me and fit him in when I need to. I told him this and told him that in no way did it mean that I would ignore him or blow him off but I needed to find me again. Not the crazy party girl me cuz that is WAY over, but the me who had standards and dignity and was okay with who I was and could be alone and still be happy. That woman is in me somewhere and she needs to come back. That is who he fell in love with to begin with right? I was outgoing and carefree and did whatever I pleased without worrying what he thought and now I am submissive and constantly trying to please him without regard for myself. If I end up not being with him after "finding" myself, I will be okay because that is who I was at one time. I could live without a man. The only difference is now I don't want to live without him. I guess in a way I have grown in this relationship. But I will only take it one day at a time. I love him. That is what is important. I need to be happy. Whether with him or without him.

I'm baaa-aaack!

2006-06-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

I had a total computer meltdown! Okay, I'm exaggerating. I had to have a part replaced in my computer. So it's been gone for 8 whole days! And in those 8 days nothing has really changed. Still don't have a job, still with Robert (but that might end soon), kids are still driving me nuts and I had to put my cat down that I have had since I was 14.
Anyway, my suspicions are really running deep and nowI am deciding if I want to stay in this relationship or not. Robert is coming over tonight and we are going to talk. I'm scared that I might lose him. I'm beginning to be more afraid that I have lost myself.

Why people? Why???

2006-06-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

I went to a job interview this morning. I was stoked! Turns out I am not even close to qualified for this position! I used a quarter of a gallon of gas to get to this place and it seems that they made a mistake! A mistake? It might be a small inconvience to you, but to me that is valuable gas and precious time! Idiots! I'm so frustrated! I have NEVER had a problem getting a job! And now that my kids are nearly starving to death I am getting fucking desperate! I have been putting off welfare for so long. Nine years to be exact. I really don't want to have to do that. Maybe the place I used to work is hiring. I think I will check into that. But with gas prices, it will be a bitch! I don't know.

My turn

2006-05-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

I took some advice and told Robert that I couldn't see him tonight because I had other plans. He looked completely shocked and asked what I was doing. I told him I was going to catch up with some friends. I left it at that and he didn't question it. The only people I am catching up with are the blogs I read religeously. But he doesn't need to know that! Make myself less available to him. That was the advice. I will try it and see what happens. He called me a little while ago and I told him I couldn't talk for long but I would call him tomorrow and that I loved him. He was speechless! I like this idea!
Anyway, I was watching "Riding in Cars with Boys" yesterday and I was reminded of my favorite line in that movie and I totally identify with it. Drew Barrymore says to Peter Facinelli "I'm 22 years old and I haven't accepted that this is my life...I wish I wasn't smart so I wouldn't realize it." That is EXACTLY how I feel about my life! I haven't accepted my life. I wish I didn't have to. I have no one to blame but myself for the choices I have made. If I could go back and change things I would in a heartbeat. The question is: would I actually be happy? I guess I will never know. I have to do what I can with what I have. I have to make my own happiness and allow others into my life share it. I think that is how it is supposed to be.

Frustrated

2006-05-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

This is how I feel right now. I have been blown offf 3 times this weekend by Robert. I was supposed to go out with him last night but he decided to hang out with his brother in law. Then he was supposed to come over today to make up for it but decided to go out with friends. So I was to go over tonight to have him make it up to me but he decided to stay at his friends. Fine. Fucking stay. But when you want me to come over (which honestly isn't too often anymore!) I won't be bothered. I'm taking some good advice about getting a life. Maybe as time goes along he won't fit in my life. His loss. I'm good girlfriend/wife material. Maybe I should let someone else find that out.

Few and far between

2006-05-27T21:10:00.001-05:00

That will be the frequency of my posts for 10 to 15 business days. My AC adapter is messed up and they will be sending me a new one in that amount of time. So I will barely have any battery to do long posts. So in short, everything here is okay. No drama the last few days which is great for my sanity. And I have been happy since Thursday. Three days. Wow. I'm impressed.

Few and far between

2006-05-27T21:10:00.000-05:00

I was havin' a good day...

2006-05-24T16:49:00.000-05:00

mindin' my own business when I decided to check the mail. It'd been a few days. So I grab it, begin to sort it and stop dead in my tracks when an enveloe with familiar handwriting is staring me in the face. I look at it then flip it over. No return address. Should I open it? Should I throw it away? Oh what the hell!
" Dear Weda,
Hey you! Remember me? Hope so. Cause I have not forgotten about you.
Every time I see a Cubs game on the tube I think of you & I when we went to the game and I see the section we sat at. Boy what a time that was. It was the best. Bet you wish you were a sox fan! HAHAHA! It's okay, I'll let you change over.
So you have to tell me how you've been. I'm sure you are doing fine. An you boys are probably taller than you. So are you still with Robert? I wonder if you married him or moved in with him.
I'm still in Crystal Lake. Right off Main St. Behind La Rosita store. You can see Duke's from my crib.
So I don't want to write too much. Hey I work at Kohl's in the evenings and weekends. You should stop by. I'll give you my discount on anything you admire. 15% on clothes and 10% on shoes. Well you take care. Here is my phone # ***-***-****. Please call me or text me. Soon! So anxious to here from you.
Your friend,
the loco Tejano"

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, that is an exboyfriend. More pointedly, the one I was engaged to that cheated on me with his wife. I can't figure out why he would want to contact me after all this time. I talked to him about a month after Robert and I started dating. I told him to leave me alone because I was looking for some happiness in my life. After reading the letter I began to reminisce (and I feel only a little guilty for that) about us. He actually made me feel loved and wanted. Even after he cheated with her he was coming to my house begging my forgiveness telling me he loved me more than life itself. But I stuck to my guns about not being with a cheater. And after reading it, I know I made the right choice. The last time I talked to him he and his wife and kids were moving to Texas. He would leave me alone but he would forever love me. Apparently things didn't work out with his wife and Texas. Should have stayed true, babe. Should have stayed true.
I will not contact him. It would be wrong. Not only that, I don't have the desire to. The past is the past. Besides, what would I tell him? That my life is teetering on the edge of sanity? No, better to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think I could be with him again anyway. He was more drama than Robert and I put together. I must admit though we did have a fantastic time together! We were the party no matter where we showed up! Okay, enough of this. I'm going to call Robert. And no, I am not going to tell him my past is trying to catch up with me. I see no need for it. It will only increase our drama. I am his alone.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

2006-05-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

I whole heartedly believe that. I believe that you can find happiness as long as you are truly looking. Things happen for a reason. With all that being said, I am still afraid to call that number. I'm not ready for my life to possibly fall apart. I would rather sit in my blissfully ignorant state right now.
I went to Robert's last night. We talked. He asked me if I loved him. Without all the dramatics I am well known for I simply answered "With all my heart, body and soul." Not another word was spoken between us as I fell asleep in his arms. Today, however I am wondering why he would ask me such a thing. Since my break up with Asshole, I have never stayed in a relationship that I didn't want to be in. Life is too short to be miserable. Is it normal to ask that question of someone who is so obviously enamored of you that they are willing to do whatever it takes to show you? Did that make sense? It sounded good in my head before I wrote it. Anyway, I am taking the advice that was given to me and am going to wait until I am ready to accept what is to be my future. I am not strong enough to handle what may happen. I am at a bad place in my life and in my head and I don't want the "OMFG I was right!" to take over my thinking right now. I have things I need to concentrate on. My kids, getting a job and just becoming the old me again. I have not spent as much time with Robert lately. It helps and hurts at the same time. While I do miss him, I also get a chance to clear my head and think about my future and what I want and need. I need to find my strength. I need to become myself in order to be myself. I have been lost for so long. I am afraid.

More TRUTHZ...

2006-05-19T21:09:00.000-05:00

Someone who I have come to trust over the last six months has come back. With some wisdom no less! I have done everything but call. I think I'm afraid of what I will hear. She asked me some hard questions (hard to me anyway). I'm not sure where I would go with any information I would get. It's so easy to say I would leave. In the past I would have. Now I don't know what I would do. I want to think that I would leave because I am worthy of better. But my heart would be screaming the whole time "WTF are you doing?" So again, I find myself questioning if it's worth it or should I keep myself in the dark? It's a hard question. I am afraid of the answer.

Still a chicken...

2006-05-18T13:01:00.000-05:00

I still have that phone number glaring in my face and no balls to do anything about it. Gees, I am so passive that I can't stand it yet I do nothing to change it. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I want to call so badly! I wouldn't know what to say. How do you call someone who might be messin with your man (whether she knows it or not) and not sound like a complete nutjob? Do you demand to know who is on the other side of the phone? Do you politely ask for the name on the paper or the name from switchboard.com? What if they are one and the same because of an illegal status? (The cousin is from Peru.) I'm gonna go check out Myspace. See if I can find the name there or at classmates.com. Anything about right now would help. Back soon.

Edit: Okay. Nothing. In the unlikely event that someone is reading this and has an idea how to search for people (for free!) or an idea to make the call without looking like a total ass, let me know. I'm open for suggestions. Thanks!

Long time no post

2006-05-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile. Haven't had the want to blog. Things are at a stand still in every aspect of my life. Had a job interview today. Same ol' same ol': "We'll get back to you." Gees, if it's a no just say so. I'm an adult I can handle it. Then I can go to other interviews and not be waiting to see if you'll call. Yes, I tend to do that if I think I did well on an interview. Now I know better. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The kids are alive and well and getting out of school soon. UGH! Not looking forward to days upon days of fighting. Their dad has been nowhere around since he took them all the one Sunday Robert and I went to the Baptism. Big shock. I don't even care anymore. He can drop off the face of the planet for all I care. My eldest's attitude has changed in the last few weeks. He is despondent and depressed and taking it out on all the wrong people. The other 3 I think have come to realize that he is what he is and that he is selfish and is only out for himself. My second eldest has actually said that he hopes his dad stays out of the picture. He says he doesn't want to see him anymore. I'm okay with that.
Things with Robert and I are also same ol' same ol'. I have taken to writing down everything and anythng that happens between us day by day. Searching for patterns. I did find something yesterday that has disturbed me. He told me that it was his co-worker's cousin and that we had met. Okay. So I wrote the number down and put into http://www.switchboard.com. It didn't come up as the name it should have. Now, it could be an old name accompanying the number. I don't know how often the site is updated. But I am terrified to call. What do I say? What if all my worst fears are about to come about? This is denial in all its glory. I don't know how to do this. I keep thinking about when Gabi called me and what she said. I don't think I can do that. I don't know.
Gonna go. I have a watcher. More later, perhaps.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

2006-05-05T20:26:00.000-05:00

That would be how I have felt the last week. He ended up call me a few hours after I posted the last entry. Said he went to play volleyball. He called to tell me he was going out with his cousin Ricky. In other words he was blowing me off again. So last night he says he's going to play volleyball again and to call at 5:30. Guess what? No answer. (What? You didn't think I was actually say he answered did you?) So he calls me about 7:45. He tells me I sounded irritated on my voice message. Well duh! Then he informs me he is having Ricky over. And Jonas. Thanks. Blowing me off again eh? All this after I told him he has been blowing me off every other Friday. He said he would spend a month of Fridays with me to prove nothing is going on. I replied with then I guess I will be seeing you every other Saturday. He laughed his stupid "I can't believe you" laugh ( You know the one. The one where you just want to claw his eyes out for just dismissing your emotional outrage.) and said no. So where are we now? He's blowing me off again. Yes I know I already said that but I need to hammer the point into my own head. Then the conversation just takes off from there touching on different things (why he doesn't want to live together, how I ended up pregnant (he said it was very convienent of me to get knocked up after I found out he was cheating. Now isn't usually the other woman who gets pregnant to trap the man? Or is that only on Springer?) how I haven't forgiven him (hello? I took him back!!! Or maybe that's just punishment. Who knows?) or forgotten. I don't think I will ever forget. Wait, scratch that! I know I will never forget it!). He said he would call me later. I told him don't expect to hear from me. He then said something about the new bed he's getting tomorrow about how we were to break it in. I told him to go break it in with someone else. He hung up on me and I haven't heard back from him. And I am actually okay with that. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And if I had to be honest, I think he's purposely pushing me away. Well guess what Asshole? It's working! If you push anymore I'm gonna break through my threshhold! So now what? We had a fight. We haven't broken up so if he pulls shit tonight when he goes out we are so done. Fuck you and the slut you rode on muthaf***er!

Okay, crisis averted...(read post below)

2006-04-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

So I just tried to call Robert again. This time I left a message: "It would really be nice if you would answer your phone so I would stop thinking so suspiciously. You've been out of work for a few hours now and I don't appreciate this." That's it. I won't call him again. Point made. I know a few guys he played soccer with don't know he's with me. He didn't tell me that, it's just something he said in a roundabout way (When he introduced himself to one of the girls that he would be playing soccer with he said he "was divorced (lie #1 ( he's still married and has a girlfriend)) and had 2 kids (lie #2 (he has 4))." Nice, eh? So he's probably out with those guys and won't answer because he isn't supposed to be with me. I think that's bullshit. The guy who doesn't want him to be with me thinks I'm not pretty enough for him. Whatever dude! He thought I was hot enough to approach me in a club and tell me exactly what he thought of me! So fuck you! But for him to play into it really pisses me off. It will be interesting to see what his excuse is why he didn't call me. And he has been seeing me basically every other Friday, I did the math. The things that make you go hmmmm. Don't stay with me for the baby. That's the one thing I want him to know. I deserve better. I've dumped better.

All in all a good few days...

2006-04-28T19:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Mom's birthday. Robert came by and we barbequed chicken and arrencheras. It was a good meal. And it was wonderful spending time with him. He spent more time with the boys last night than Dickhead has in the last 6 months. Speaking of Dickhead, he isn't answering his phone. Big shock. God forbid he spends time with his kids. So anyway, I am to go see Robert tonight. I have yet to hear from him even though he got off at quarter after five. I hate when he doesnt' answer his phone. If he tells me he was with Jonas I am gonna scream! It seems he is with someone every other Friday. Hmmm...not jumping to conclusions, not jumping to conclusions, not jumping to conclusions...Who the fuck am I kidding? Yes I am.
Okay, gotta go. Brett just locked himself in the bathroom because no one will play soldiers with him. I told him to stop cheating and people will want to play.

A good day

2006-04-20T21:56:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. Got a lot done. Didn't find a job yet. Walked for 45 minutes pushing the baby in her stroller. Went up one good hill. I just need to remember to wear better shoes. My feet still hurt 2 hours later!
Checked my email and got a good one from Kelly: http://mis-group.com/funny/drunk/help_the_drunk_get_home.php. It's addictive!

Easter and an Angel

2006-04-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

This is my angel on Easter Sunday. I can't believe how beautiful she is! Every day I thank God for her! Had a fairly good weekend. Made Easter dinner on Saturday because Dickhead was supposed to take the boys Sunday after church. Ham, garlic and herb pork roast (my oldest son detests ham!), salad with homemade dressings: bleu cheese, ranch (didn't turn out very good!) and thousand island, twice baked potatoes (a staple at every holiay meal in our house!), quesadillas, tortillas con frijoles, deviled eggs, green beans, and bunny cake. The bunny cake has been a tradition in our family since my mom was a kid. We have made it every year unfailing. Cakes from when the boys were young included gumdrop faces and twizzler whiskers being put everywhere that there was free space. I wish I had pictures! So the tradition continues. I didn't get a finished bunny cake picture because I ran out of room on my camera and by the time I got the pictures onto the hard drive, the greedy little gluttons had already hacked away at it! Needless to say, Easter was good. Dickhead didn't take the boys because there was just soooo much going on. Asshole. I hope the boys don't treat their children like their father treats them.

Spent last night with Robert. It was nice. I showed him Giselle's site. He likes it. He had me email the address to everyone he knows. He is soooo proud of her! Having alone time with him was nice. It had been awhile since I had been over there. I saw him Saturday as he was invited to dinner. He is so good with the boys. Much better than their father. That's sad. Anyway, things seem to be looking up. Still no job. But at least my head is in a better place! At least for the moment. Take each day a minute at a time!

So anyway...

2006-04-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a long week. Or two. How long has it been since I've been here? It's basically the SSDD thing. Never heard back from the doctor. I'm getting desperate. I might end up at a crappy factory over in C'ville. They're the only ones hiring and they don't pay shit. So anyway, money's getting tighter. My phone will be shut off any day now. My car is dead in the drive. I'm frustrated. Dickhead said he was gonna go on disability and the feds would pay my support. Hey I don't care as long as the boys are taken care of. It just irritates me that he always gets off scott free. While the rest of us bust ass (hey! I did for years!!) he gets to sit back and collect money cuz he' s a freaking alchy. How fair is that? Actually it's more than that. He has a chemical imbalance which drives him to drink. That's what his doctors are gonna tell the feds. Man, if it were only that easy for the part of the population who follow the laws of the land and don't try to screw the govt out of money.
So anyway, here I am at home on a Friday night that Robert doesn't have to play soccer. Actually he hasn't been playing for a few weeks now that season is over. But anyway, I tried to call him to tell him I was coming by and he didn't answer. And he didn't call me back. I swear something fishy is going on. Last Friday I saw him, the Friday before I didn't. Hmmm. And then he said he worked last Saturday. He called me about 1:30 PM. Then later that night we were at his sister Mari's house watching the Mayweather/Judah fight (my boy won!!) and he said something that threw me off about a fight that one of the other guys had mentioned. He said that it was on that morning. Now you tell me. If he was at work how the hell would he know that? Since we were in front of his parents and people that we didn't know I didn't ask. As a matter of fact I didn't want to ask at all. I'm tired of him lying to me. If I don't ask he can't lie to me right? So now I'm wondering where he is. I'm getting fed up with this. If he doesn't want to be with me, then end it. He thinks I'm gonna do something shitty to him about Giselle. Sorry, the last time I checked I was a grown up. I don't play games. I keep telling him that he can end it with me if he doesn't want to be with me. I don't want him to feel like he has to be with me. I kept feeling that way when I was pregnant with her. I even went as far as leaving state and thinking of starting a new life so he would not feel like he had to be there. I think he regrets me coming back. I remember sitting at the hotel in Lawrence Kansas, a million miles from home and him calling me and telling me to come back home. When I called him at 2AM telling him I was coming back he sounded like he didn't want me to. I should've stayed. Who knows where my life could have been right now? I could've been happy. Instead I'm...I don't even know the word. I'm not miserable. I went through miserable with Asshole. I'm halfway between miserable and happy. It's like a rollercoaster. Some days I am so happy I want to burst! And other days I am so miserable I want to cry and just dump him and get it over with. I think it's mostly just depression. I'm not working therefore I am a fat lard therefore I am unattractive to men therefore I am useless to men other than my sons and daughter. Or something like that. I honestly have to work on my self esteem before Giselle gets too old. I don't want her to go down the same path I did. I want her to see her mom as a strong woman who can be happy with who she is no matter what her dating situation might be. Cuz lets face it folks. If there is one thing I know, it's that Robert is not sticking around for the long haul. I'm not exactly sure what he's waiting for. I mean, we have been together for 2 years and not once has he mentioned moving in together, getting married or anything. And he is fond of saying, you never know what's gonna happen in the future. Sure I do and it's not us!!! Well, I'm off to bed. Still no call. I have to get up early and start our Easter dinner.

Just when I didn't think life could get any worse...

2006-04-05T13:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I get a phone call at 9:30 this morning from a doctor to come in for an interview. I get there 20 minutes early to show responsibility (there is NO ONE in this place but a few patients), I fill out the application and wait. So the doctor is the one who greeted me. I assumed as much but wasn't really sure. So after he gets teh patients taken care of he leads me to his office and the interview begins. It goes allright despite two interruptions. So then he says "It's a salaried position, I can't offer insurance because with just the two of us it wouldn't be practical." Then he proceeds to show me what I would be doing. Working some machinery, and yada yada yada. So then he says the hours, still going okay although I would be basically busting ass all day long at 10 and a half hours a day. Still, I enjoy being busy. The kicker is what comes next. He says to me "Well I have a few more applicants and if I still think you're right for the job I will call you in for a second interview." Apparently he hasn't done this before. All the things he did is what you do for someone who is getting the job. The first time he left the office during the interview I asked God to give me this job. After he told me the benefits and pay and such he was pulled out again and I thanked God for giving me this job. Then it all gets dashed to hell. Why? I am horrible at interviews. But I have to remember each one is a learning tool. I'm tired of learning tools. I want a fucking job! I'm tired of being broke. I know I had to have done something right if he had shown me what I was to do. But for the life of me I don't know what. I was so tempted to tell him I could start right then and cancel the other interview for him. Would that have been appropriate? I didn't think so either. But it might have shown something. I am so depressed right now. I went to Monster and those dumbasses still keep offering me jobs I have no skills in. They keep giving me stuff like "Management for a small manufacturing company" or "Install airconditioners for AAA Co" and shit I'm not even qualified for! What the hell are they doing there? Is one person trying to singlehandedly create chaos for the place? If he/she is, it's working from where I am sitting from. So now it's back to the streets, and the paper and the net. Maybe I shouldn't have quit the job from hell. Well, it doesn't matter, I would have been fired by now anyway. No one I worked with is still there. Except maybe one girl. But I doubt it. She was his whipping board for awhile and I hope she got out of there in a hurry.

Redneck trash (and he's damned proud of it!)

2006-04-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

Dickhead called me back today. I called him yesterday to tell him I needed childsupport to feed the kids cuz we were out of food. He told me he was having too much fun to care and to call back tomorrow (today). Man I was pissed! So he calls back today and I am the wonderful sweet exgirlfriend (I am totally being sarcastic by the way!) He says he ran away from home (yes, he really did say that!) and that he didn't know when he was coming back. Hopefully never. But he said he would wire me money. So then he starts telling me how much his life sucks, blah blah blah. I aske him how much Wild Turkey has he had to drink? He said he's almost finished the bottle. Big surprise. Then he said to me "Why don't you leave Robert and be with me?" I nearly choked! So I said "I would rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil than be with you!" Thinking that would be the end of it he says "But why did you leave me?" Oh so many ways to handle this one! I went the way of salt, whiskey and bleach in an open wound type way! "Cuz you were a loser. You were more worried about sleeping around and partying and your friends, when you should have been at home taking care of your family." Silence. And I mean a long silence. I thought he had hung up. Then the Glutton for Punishment asks me "Were you ever happy?" "Yes." I answered. Then I was silent for a moment. "When I thought you had given yourself alcohol poisoning and were dead." No shit. That was one of the best moments of my life! Here I thought God had finally had enough with Shit For Brains and his bullshit and finally just put him out of my misery. No such luck. He says "That was harsh." "So was living with you." "Did you ever love me?" "I thought I did. I was wrong. I now know what love is. So no. I never loved you." "I married 'Halfwit' to make you jealous." "Ooohhh, you're bad. Can't win 'em all, huh?" "Why are you being so mean to me?" "Cuz you put me through 9 years of hell. How am I supposed to be towards you?" "You're the mother of my kids and I love you." "Get over it. I can't stomach the thought of you. And that 'mother of my kids' stuff is bullshit. You're the sperm donor to my sons and I hate you." Long long silence. "Okay, well, I'll wire you the money."

Man, if QuarterBrain were smart (and she isn't, really, she's not!) she'd file divorce papers, get her ass to Public Aid and Housing and have it made. Maybe, just maybe he'd stay in Gary,IN and I would never have to deal with him again. Of course, that would mean she would have to use the few braincells she has, and I don't think she has the capacity to do that.

God I would love to call her and tell her where he is. But that would mean I would have to listen to her whine and complain about all the terrible things he's done to her. I should feel sorry for her. A kinship, if you will. But I don't. Only because I warned her. I told her what a loser he was. But the Dumbass that she is she still married him and procreated with him. (On that second one I can't really say anything. At least for the first two boys. When I was pregnant with the second was when I really realized that I was miserable. But I was afraid to leave. I never gave it up willingly again to him.) Okay, anyway...so now I won't have to see him until he comes home. And he will. When he wants a piece of ass he doesn't have to pay for. Or that isn't related to him. And trust me. Neither of those options are below him. He is, after all, "a proud redneck." And he has the Tshirt to prove it.

I am so freakin' frustrated!

2006-04-01T00:19:00.000-06:00

Tonight Robert and I were to go to a party at one of his friend's cousin's house. When we get into Palatine and call the guy up to get exact directions he says that they're leaving, party's over. Fine, whatever. So Robert and I go to dinner and have some much needed alone time. It was great! So we go pick up the baby from his sister and when we get back to his place and I put her to bed. So then I tell him I need something from him and I get the lame ass excuse that he's tired. I'm like "You're kidding right?" He says he's not. It's been like almost a week. Gees, he used to be all over me. Then he began to date someone else and it backed off. Alot. Then we get together just us and it's gone. I always tell him when I need it but he doesn't do a damn thing about it. It's like my needs don't matter. He tells me that we'll get busy tomorrow night. I have a feeling that he is going to go out with his cousin tomorrow and I'm not invited.
Anyway, I had this weird dream on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. It was very detailed and that's probably why I remember it still. I dreamt that he was seeing an ex-girlfriend from HS and me at the same time. In real life he keeps running into her family members. So anyway, he says to me in the dream that he has to keep his options open. In the dream even my mom knows. And also my dream very specificallly said that this has been going on since October 18. That is the part that won't leave my head. I don't know how to ask him what that date means to him. Part of me wonders if God was telling me something. Please don't laugh at that last statement. I mean, it's a date that has no significance to me whatsoever. So why would it pop up in my dream? Someone is trying to tell me something. I want to ask him face to face. Body language is everything to me. I don't know. I think it's pretty messed up. But the feeling that I need to know the truth about that day won't go away. I'm tired of ignoring my gut. When I see him next I will ask him. Maybe for once I will get the truth out of him.

WTF?

2006-03-25T20:47:00.000-06:00

So Robert went to play his last night of soccer last night. He said he would call when it was over. No call. Big shock. Not. So he says he need his overnight pass back cuz his friend's car was towed last night. This is the same friend who's wife freaks out if her husband isn't within 5 feet of her at all times. I told him straight up I don't believe him. I am no longer afraid of telling him that. For a long time I was because I didn't want to upset the apple cart. Now I just want the truth. So today he comes over and we go to Old Country Buffet cuz he's starving (apparently his other girlfriend didn't cook for him before she left!). And he's kinda acting all loveydovey and shit. I'm not buying it. He's trying to hard. Okay, I admit it that I'm freaking psycho. He's either cheating cuz he's not loveydovey or he's cheating cuz he's too loveydovey. Girls understand this better than guys. Guys don't understand that we know when there is a difference in their affection. Why do you think the only time girls really ever get caught is when it's redhanded with another guy? Cuz guys don't have that little whatever it is in the back of their head goin' "Okay, something's not right." Girls go with their gut and are probably 85% right. I don't want to be right. And another thing is that his phone was off. Another big sign. I think I am staying with him so I can actually catch him and say "I told you so!" and be the poor cheated on exgirlfriend. Man I must be a fucking idiot.
I really don't know what to do. I love him. I hate the fact that I love him. If it were less the I could just let him go and not think twice about it. I have only been dumped twice in my life. Both in my freshman year in high school. Every other guy I have ever dated I dumped because either I was bored or someone better came along. So why am I afraid to end it with Robert? It's not because we have a child together. I dumped Asshole and we have four kids togeteher. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've been alone before. So what the hell is? Is it that I feel that I'm not getting any younger? Is it because I know I have five kids and no guy wants to deal with that? I don't think it's any of those things because I have found men with those things (Except it was four kids). I don't know. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Anyway, debating whether I want to go see him tonight. We told each other we would try to spend more time with each other. Can't wait to see what his excuses are for not seeing me Fridays now that soccer is over. I think "Jonas" is gonna become a really close friend to him that he hangs out alot with. We'll see.

I've just been going on with life.

2006-03-23T21:33:00.000-06:00

I don't hear from Robert unless I call him. I don't call so much anymore. He asked me Tuesday if I love him. I told him "with all my heart." I didn't ask him. He would say he loves me. The question is: Is he in love with me? There is a big difference. Call me Cleopatra for I am the Queen of De-Nile. So many scattered thoughts going through my head right now. If I seem to jump from one idea to the next I apologize. Am I afraid of being alone? Maybe a little. But I was alone before he came. Why does he stay? I won't die if he ends it with me. I've been preparing myself for that moment for a long time. He tells me to stop thinking that he's cheating on me. Well give me one good reason why I should. He's acting shady again. This time I am calling him on each and every move he makes. I won't sit by and let him get away with this again. I give him ample opportunities to come clean. Something's going on. I feel it in my heart. One day at a time. That's all I can do.
He came by a few nights ago to help me fix my tire and he asked me if things were okay because I didn't kiss him hello or anything. Then he started asking me all kinds of other things and says to me (Paraphrasing here folks) "This is why I don't know if we should live together." I said to him "Oh please! You don't want anything serious from me. I'm not an ididot. We've been together two years and you have never mentioned anything like that. At least not with me." My comment was met with silence. After all, what could he say? I spoke the truth.
So not much of an update. Haven't found a job. I've been working on a book I started back in '98 the last few days. It's coming along. Writing takes me away from my daily life and lets me feed my need for true love and passion and all that I wish I had. Maybe someday. But I won't hold my breath.

Not too much has been going on...

2006-03-15T15:31:00.000-06:00

but I am taking things one day at a time. He blew me off Saturday night even though we had made plans the day before. He didn't answer his phone and then he turned it off. I'm starting to back off harder and he has noticed. He asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I said no and asked him why he would ask me that. I knew why but I wasn't gonna let him know that. He just said that I didn't seem to be making an effort in spending time with him. Yeah, this is after he blew me off. I didn't keep my cool either though when I confronted him Sunday morning when he decided to call. I didn't care. I told him if he was cheating on me to let me go. If I am not enough for him there is a man somewhere out there who I am enough for. He is insisting that he isn't cheating but my gut says otherwise. Supposedly he was with his sister on Saturday and I asked if we were still on. He was disant and vague but I blew it off. Then Sunday when he's over he says something about calling his mom cuz he hasn't talked to her all weekend. She was supposedly at his sister's house. So he obviously wasn't there. When I asked him where he really was he said he was at his sister's. I confronted him about how he blew his own cover and he still insisted he was there. Now I'm thinking maybe he was there. But maybe he didn't show up alone. His sisters all covered for him the last time he cheated on me. Who's to say they wouldn't do it again. It's frustrating. So I'm pulling away. And I am making sure it is noticeable. Let him think what he wants. I know I am a faithful person. Two years and I'm still as hot for him as I was when I met him.
I invited him over for dinner tonight. I said if you show up you do. If you don't you don't. I don't think he'll come. God forbid he make some sort of effort in this relationship. I'm tired of being the only one who works at it. He was married for 7 years. He knows it's a two way street. Maybe that's why the first chance his wife got she went and cheated on him and subsequently left him for this other guy. I'm beginning to understand her motives.

Talk about your topsy-turvy day!

2006-03-02T21:09:00.000-06:00

Today was filled with so many crazy emotions! First I got sick again. So that wasn't much fun. Three hours of trying to keep the contents in my stomach (mostly water!) inside. Then Giselle gets sicker. She had a runny nose then a stuffy nose, then a nasty cough then nasty icky diapers that would gross out the world's strongest stomach! So I took her to the hospital. The doctor said she has an upper respitory infection. She didn't prescribe anything for it which I found rather odd. So I tried to call Robert at 4:45 to let him know what was going on, knowing he would be getting out of work around 5:15. Giselle was in and out within 45 minutes (musta been a slow day!). So I try to call again. Nothing. By now it's 5:45. And I am starting to get that same ole feeling when I get to thinking. So I decided to drive by his place. No one's home. So I think I will go past his work. It's in the next town over. 15 minutes tops. That's how long it takes him to get to work. Man, I sat in some fucked up traffic for nearly an hour and a half! I finally get close to his work when I see a car pull out. Shit! Busted! Freakin that he'll bitch about me spyin or whatnot. Whew! Not him. So I pull over and call him just in case he's gettin in his car to leave. Don't need him seein me check up on him. That's my secret. So he says he's still there and doesn't know when he's gettin out. So I went into the parking lot and sure enough his car's there. I felt instantly guilty. It's not fair. I keep saying to myself what will I say if he's not there and he says he is. What will I do? I still don't have an answer to that. So he calls at 9:20 and says he dropped off one of his coworkers at home and is on his way home. The question is, when will I finally learn to trust him again? What will it take? I want to trust him. Really I do, it's just that I feel so betrayed even more than a year later. They say it takes time, but I am still at square one. If anyone is reading this and has some experience with this sort of thing and some advice with what has helped them, PLEASE let me know!

I'm sick as a dog!

2006-02-28T18:06:00.000-06:00

I am miserable. And what is wrong with me isn't fit to print. Two days of wanting to die. Two days of my insides becoming my outsides. Two days that sweet glorious death hasn't bothered to take me. So needless to say I won't be going to Robert's tonight. Even though it is our 2 year anniversary. I feel like a Mack truck ran over me. And my poor little princess isn't faring much better. I was supposed to go over to Robert's house to celebrate. I was looking forward to it. Now I'm bummed but I can barely move. I was hoping he would come here but I haven't even heard from him yet. He hasn't answered his phone all day. I thought he would at least call and ask how I was feeling. And he knows it's our anniversary because I told him Sunday. You know men, they never remember anything. So now I won't get to see him and he might call, but I have learned to not hold my breath when it comes to Robert.

It's been a good 4 days (today's not over yet!)

2006-02-22T19:48:00.000-06:00

Saturday night Robert, his parents and I went dancing at Carmina's. The DJs were obviously new at their job (The Talisman). They were having a hard time mixing the music and following tracks. It was fun though. They started playing Banda and this girl who was half negrita was doing this odd jumping thing. She had to be 75 pounds soaking wet and really tall on top of it. The guy who was with her was a stocky guy shorter than her and threw her like she was a freakin ragdoll. It was funny. But it was a good time.
Went to church Sunday morning. Went to 11AM service. I didn't like it. It's contemporary. I prefer church the old fashioned way so I will be going back to the 9 oclock services again. Robert had Giselle and I went and stayed with him Sunday night. Haven't seen him since.
Monday was boring. Did non-stop laundry.
Tuesday folded the non-stop laundry.
Today, I rested. Blake stayed home sick from school so I was basically catering to him all day. I miss being needed by him and his older brother. Tonight I am going back to Robert's to stay. I miss him. I've been trying to keep my suspicions in check. It's sorta working. Of course, he hasn't gone anywhere really yet. So anyway, until...

The funeral

2006-02-17T22:29:00.000-06:00

It was very nice. It was odd to be in a funeral home for it. I'm used to them being in churches so this was very different for me. Seeing my exboyfriend there was actually easier than I thought. He looded even better now so that was disappointing. But what hasn't changed is that he hasn't aspired to do anything with his life, all those good looks and brains gone to waste being a waiter. Not an aspiring actor trying to make ends meet, but a waiter. What a shame. I was expecting Robert to ask me if I had spoken to him (which I didn't) but he didn't. I'm surprised. Maybe he didn't put two and two together. Or maybe he just hasn't asked yet. Who knows. All I know is that maybe breaking up with him wasn't a big mistake. Seeing he is exactly where he was 3 years ago and no ambition. I hate that in a guy.
So anyway, tomorrow night Robert and I are going out dancing with his Mom and Dad. We haven't been out dancing in forever! I think I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant and clumsy as an ox. Hopefully I haven't lost it! I want to take salsa lessons and surprise him with them. That would be fun!
So the last week has been interesting yet boring. Bought Saw 2. LOVED IT!! Of course, I love movies like that. I want to see Final Destination 3. I really like the 2nd better than the first. Same with Jeepers Creepers. Of course, seeing the 2nd in the theatre helped that experience. I love me a good scary movie. The Grudge scared the shit out of me for months. I am NOT lying! It wouldn't have been so scary for me if those things couldn't leave the house! I kept seeing long flowing black hair at night. And it doesn't help that I am honest to God scared to death of the dark! One night soon after seeing that movie, Robert creeped me out by tapping on the wall and making it sound like the little boy thing running across the floor. I was half asleep when he did it so it really scared me to the point where I was silently crying. He turned to me and kissed my cheek and realized that I was crying and he apologized and said he would never scare me again. He has kept that promise. I know it sounds stupid, but I get scared about some scary movies but I love them! I have only been able to watch The Grudge in bits and pieces on HBO. And I CANNOT watch the part when that girl thing crawls up the sheet. To me, that was the scariest thing I have ever seen! The Ring also creeped me out. The second one? Not so much. Even though I saw that one in a theatre. I want to see Pulse. It looks wicked creepy! So anyway, I recommend Saw 2 if you are a scary movie fan. It's more gory than scary. It's really good though. I can't say a damned word about it without giving anything away that is how well put together the movie is. Kinda like The Sixth Sense was. You couldn't tell anyone anything cuz that would ruin it for them. Okay. Enough. I'm off to play my Sims game. I have neglected my family for The Movies game (which is sort of hard and I am usually good at games like that!). Til next time!

A single red rose

2006-02-17T09:03:00.000-06:00

Things have been crazy here lately. Robert and I have been going strong after talking. Valentine's day was good. I was disappointed that all I got from him was a rose. I mean, we're talking 2 years here, not two months. I bought him a freaking Bears jersey. I wish I could say it's the thought that counts but how much thought goes into a gas station rose? His sister called me up and asked what we had done and what he got me. I told her we went to dinner and he got me a rose. I said in his defense that he took me to dinner for V day. She said ( and I quote!) "Uh-Uh! No! Dinner is not a gift! Dinner is where you talk and enjoy each other and show the whole world you're a couple in love. So all you got was a rose. You got gypped!" And she's right! 2 years? A rose? A dozen might have been a better gift and I wouldn't be so disappointed in him. It's not like I'm expecting a ring or anything. I'm not even comfortable with jewelry yet with him because of our past. I mean, he goes from getting me a digital camera for Xmas to a rose? Call me selfish or whatever, but I spent more on his gift than he did on dinner and his rose. Maybe I am being ungrateful, but some thought put into something would be nice. Anyone can buy a rose.
I'm going to a funeral today. My best friend's grandma died. It's funny because she was more of a grandma to me than my own grandmother. Pretty sad. So I have to go get ready. Oh yeah, and I will see the ex-boyfriend that I shouldn't have dumped today for the first time since we broke up. Figures, I look like shit cuz I got my haircut and the bitch screwed it up! Bad! Looks to be an interesting time.

The decision has been made...

2006-02-09T14:14:00.000-06:00

we have decided to stay together. We talked for hours about what we both wanted and needed in this relationship. And after being 100% honest with each other, we agreed it would be worth it to try one last time. He told me that I don't show him/tell him how much I appreciate what he does for me and the boys. I had to agree to that. So now I will make sure everytime he does something, I thank him. With words. He laughed and said actions would be accepted too but it would be nice to hear it. He also said sometimes I am too honest with him. I still don't think there is such a thing, but that's just me. I guess I'm gonna have to figure out what he wants to really know about and what he doesn't. That will probably prove to be my downfall. He also asked me to get a grip on thoughts about his infidelity. I told him that was easier said than done because I have never been in the situation where I have had to deal with the aftermath. I never stuck around. So I asked him to bear with me because it is still very raw (even though it's been more than a year) and just keep reassuring me that he loves me and that I will get over it eventually. He agreed. Then I told him all of my "demands." I will not re-hash them but go back to past entries to see what they are if you're interested. He said he would try to be more loving to me. In the attentive way.
So I am going to still keep my calendar. If only for my own sanity. I'm hoping that maybe I am just a little crazy and everything is in my imagination. Only God knows.
On the job front, still nothing. I really don't want to go back to factory work. I don't like it. I want to retain the office positions but I'm just not getting the calls. It's irritating. Anyway, Giselle is awake so I must go now!

Guess what?

2006-02-08T20:38:00.000-06:00

He finally called. At 6:05 to be exact. He said he wants to see me tonight. Now whether or not we get back together is probably still undecided. But if he is gonna end it with me, it won't over the phone. So after I put the boys to bed I'm headed over. I'm afraid that he is gonna break up with me. But if he does there is nothing I can do about it right? I'm not one to beg someone to be with me who doesn't want to be. That is totally pathetic. I'm scared that he doesn't want me but I will be okay. No one will want to read my blog for quite a while while I bitch moan and groan until I get over him. And I don't know how long that will be. So anyway, I'm off to get ready to go.

Stuck in Limbo

2006-02-07T23:23:00.000-06:00

It seems more like purgatory actually. Stuck between heaven and hell. Still no word. Now I can see the glass as either half full or half empty. Lately it's been half empty because I am depressed. I have left the decision to God because He has a plan for all of us. Maybe His plan for me is to see that I need to stick with my original thinking to never stay with a cheater. Or maybe He will tell me that I need to trust in this man and stop making mountains out of molehills. Whatever His plan is I will respect it. My fingers keep itching to call him. I want to hear his voice but I don't want to scare him away. But at the same time I keep thinking "what if he's waiting for you to call to show you care and that you're sorry (I do need to take some of the blame because I did go off the deep end instead of just talking to him.)". And part of me wonders what happened Saturday night that he hasn't talked to me. If he did meet someone then he'd better end and fast. Cuz like the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I just want to be happy Lord. Even if it means he is no longer in my life, I just want some peace. Brandi's "Have You Ever" is back in my head again. I always hear that song when we are fighting. I need some guidance. I need some help. I need...I don't know what I need. I need Robert.

I am going completely insane.

2006-02-07T18:08:00.000-06:00

No joke. It has been 56 hours and 11 minutes since I have spoken to Robert. I am getting more and more depressed as the hours drag on. I feel like I am going to break down and cry any minute now. I am holding back the tears because once they start they won't stop. I haven't told the boys that Robert and I might not be together any more. They love him so much and he has been there when their father hasn't been. I want to call him but I am afraid that if I do I will push him to end it with me. So I sent him a text instead. I just said that I was sorry, that I missed him and that I loved him. I don't want it to be over between us. I don't know how to breathe without him. Why can't he understand what I was telling him? I have to admit he was right that I am unappreciative of what he does for me and the boys. No, I do appreciate it, I just don't tell him. Maybe this is a wake up call for me. I don't know how to get it across to him that I do appreciate him and I don't want to lose him. I think he is already gone. My heart is breaking. I am miserable. I miss him terribly. I don't want to think of life will be without him. It's funny with all the bullshit I have been writing about lately that I am more miserable right at this instant than I have been since I began blogging. The wait continues...

2006-02-07T12:37:00.000-06:00

I miss him.

No word

2006-02-06T11:06:00.000-06:00

Okay. So today is really bad. On top of all the drama with Robert who I haven't heard from since Sunday morning, the doctor that I had the appointment with this morning didn't show up. No phone call, nothing. How unprofessional. What a jackass. And then my tax preparer calls and says I was turned down for an instant refund loan. So now I have to wait. I'm broke and I can't find a job for shit and my heart is breaking. What the hell else can go wrong? At least I'm alive and my kids are healthy. Hey, I had to say something like that right? Depression sucks. But at least I know that is why I'm so crazy.

2006-02-05T19:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I went over to Robert's really quickly after church this morning to get my cell. I asked him if he had anything to say. He said no. So then I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he was sick of the bullshit. I was thinking to myself, "tell me about it!" but remained silent. He didn't say anything else so I asked him if he wanted to end it. He said he didn't know. Now see, this is what I'm torn on. The common sense side of me says if he's unsure why bother. The side of me that is absolutely head over heels in love with him says at least it's not a no. I love him. I think if we were to really try to be a couple instead of like high schoolers dating things might be better. If we do this I want to see a real effort of him trying to be with me. If I didn't bring the baby to see him I never would. He never comes over or anything. It's frustrating! If he sees no future with me then he should leave me alone. The thing that pisses me off is that he thinks because of the kids I can't get anyone. He thinks I have to settle for anyone that comes around. Sorry buddy. Wrong!! I'm pretty good at weeding out the guys after single mom ass who think we are all desperate. God I hate those guys. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I'm gonna put out to you cuz you think I can't get anyone else! Having kids has made me a better person. I am not selfish anymore, I know what unconditional love is, I know how to show respect and I am kinder and know patience. Having children reminds you of how frail the human race really is. Once you have the love of a child you don't want a love that is superficial. Nothing can replace the feeling of a little one asking you to check under the bed and in the closet for monsters. Nothing comes close to little arms throwing themselves around your neck, kissing your cheek and telling you that when they grow up they want to marry you. These precious moments are what keeps the pussy-prowlers at bay for me. You have to run a pretty damn good game on this mami to fool her. Maybe I just got played.

Another rant

2006-02-04T22:08:00.000-06:00

I spent the day with him. It went well. Until tonight. I told him I wanted to come back because I needed some attention. He told me he was going out with his cousin. Thanks for making me a fucking priority. Even when I tell him what I want it doesn't matter. I don't ever want to hear a man say he doesn't know what women want cuz I know that women tell them. They just choose to ignore it. It really hurt me. He did the same thing last week. Then he began to say he needed to think if we should be together. That is a huge red flag to me! If you need to think about it (considering you're the one that cheated on me, you're the one who dumped me countless times, you're the one who is selfish) then I know exactly where I stand with you. Nowhere. And when you see me where you want to be in your life, but you're not there, don't come begging back to me. You had your chance and you blew it. If you want it to work, work on it. A relationship is a constant work in progress. Why don't people see that? They think that once they are committed, or living together or married, that the work is over. The chase and casual dating are the easy parts. It's what comes after that really matter. Jees, he's been married, he knows. Maybe this is why she cheated. He didn't listen to her needs. It gets kinda old to repeatedly tell someone what makes you happy. Especially if you've been in the relationship for a while. On the 28th we'll have been together 2 years. Not once has he mentioned anything going any farther than us dating. I find it odd. I realize that my package is a larger one than normal, but he knew from the first time we talked that I had 4 boys. It obviously wasn't a problem for him before. I have always pulled my weight. I've only been without a job twice since we've been together. The first time was only for about a month and a half and that was because thought I was gonna stay in Kansas.
Hmmm...Kansas. Maybe leaving should be an option again. As good as he is to Giselle, I'm the one making the effort for him to see her. If I didn't bring her by, he would never see her. Nothing cures a broken heart like distance right? Maybe I should go again. If I don't get this job on Monday. I honestly don't think he knows how much I love him. Maybe I do get bent out of shape on things as trivial as going out without me. But that's how he ended up cheating on me in the first place. He doesn't understand that I still have that mentality. Just because he's over it doesn't mean I am. I am the one who was betrayed and hurt. I'm the one constantly wondering if I did anything wrong. I'm the one wondering if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Because he cheated on me I am the one filled with insecurities. Not him. I have never ever made him feel like he wasn't enough for me. Maybe that was my downfall. I was too easily accessible. He knew how I felt. I never have hidden any feeling from him. But that's my personality. How are people to know how you are doing and such if you don't tell them? How are people to know what you want if you don't tell them? No one is a mind reader! That's what makes everyone unique. Different things make different people tick. If you knew what someone else wanted without having to communicate with them it would be a very quiet and boring world.
It's funny cuz my one girlfriend says I have all this insight into things like this but I'm dumb as dogshit (common sense wise, anyway!). Why can't I apply all these things I think into my relationship with Robert? Is it because it's a one way street? God I hate not knowing. It's times like these where I wish I could read his mind. If he doesn't want to be with me I wish he would just tell me. I hate feeling like I'm hanging on the end of a rope. I have been nothing but honest from the get go. I told him that if I had thought I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I would have never bothered to go past a first date. I think women know what they want with a man in the first month or two. Me? I usually know after a first date if it is someone I'd like to try out for a few months to see where it goes. I must have wanted to be with him because even after he cheated I took him back. He is the first guy I have ever taken back. I was to be married this summer with the guy I was with before him. He cheated on me with his exwife and I didn't take him back. That must say alot about my feelings for Robert. I sat on the decision for two weeks. I didn't tell him that getting back together was an option. I told him I have never stayed with a cheater. We talked a little on and off during the two weeks and I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him. I still don't. But if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me it will be his loss, not mine like he thinks.
I need to make a list of things I will not accept in a relationship. But not tonight. I have to get up early for church.
Good night.

Are you freakin'' kiddin' me?

2006-02-04T12:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, so he called about quarter to twelve. He said that he went to out for beer after and was home by 11. So why didn't he call after we had just talked about him not calling? He said he was tired. Thanks babe. How do you think I felt when I had to get up with the baby this morning? Jackass!!! And I'm actually saying that more to myself than to him! It reminds me of Alicia Keys' "Karma" about waiting til 3 Am! Won't do that again! Of course I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway. So now I'm goin over there and we'll see what happens. I hope he lets me come over later. Like I said, I'm using a calendar to keep up with events. Should prove interesting. More later.

Just a rant...ignore if you wish!

2006-02-04T02:43:00.000-06:00

Remember how I said I would bitch and moan here if I couldn't bitch and moan at Robert? Well, this is one of those posts. I asked him to call Friday night after his soccer game to tell me how it went. It ended at 8:30. It is now 2:48 AM and I have heard nothing. I refuse to call him because he said something about how he wouldn't forget. MMM-HMM!!! Now I will wait for him to call me. He gave me some bullshit earlier about how his phone is messed up. Yeah right! I've heard that before. I'm gonna start keeping a calendar and see if there are any noticeable patterns. If I detect one (and I will give it 2 months to give him the benefit of the doubt!) we're done. End of story. This way I can also keep track of things that were said and so on. Maybe it is petty and stupid. But I think it might make things add up and not only in my head. I had better be wrong on this. I will post results one month from today. If anyone is interested. So I'm off to read the blogs I subscribe to and then off to bed. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day. Man! I can't even blame this on PMS!

Happy days are here again!

2006-02-02T04:03:00.000-06:00

That song is in my head as I write this. Of course, that is the only line I know! It's 4 AM and I'm up because I can't sleep. Insomnia sucks. And with a newborn baby it's kinda hard to nap when you want. Anyway, I spent Monday and Tuesday with Robert. No drama. We did get into a discussion last night about us but by the time I got there it was done and forgotten.
I got a call for an interview for Monday for a doctor's office. Believe it or not, the doctor himself called me! So we are meeting at Starbucks (his office isn't finished yet) for the interview. Jeez, sounds like a date! HaHa! I'm excited! I hope I get this job. I keep getting crap from Monster.com that I'm not nearly qualified for!!!!!! I got one "lead" to become a financial analyst. Okay, where the f do you get that from reception/clerical/telephone? Dumbasses. I clicked on it out of curiosity and it says that I need a degree. Why didn't Monster pick that up?
Got a call from Dad yesterday. He's ticked that I took my picture off of Giselle's website. Well hell! I look like crap and I don't want that shit floating around!! I told him when I get my haircut I will post a new picture up. And a fellow blogger gave me some advice to lose 13 pounds in a week by cutting carbs. Not a problem. The soda thing has been impossible, but I have a new faith. I'm gonna try really hard to stick with it now. I want to be a thinner, happier me. When I get the guts I will post a before picture. I'm really embarrassed of how bad I look. I miss the old me. The one who dressed a little naughty but still looked presentable. Now I look like shit. Wish me luck with the job interview and with the weight loss!

A wonderful Sunday morning

2006-01-29T11:54:00.001-06:00

Church was beautiful. I have forgotten how much I actually like it! The boys went to their church and I went with the baby to mine. It has changed. Not physically, but the way things are done. It was a good change and when I am more comfortable it will be a change I am willing to participate in. I saw two people I remember from when I was growing up. They didn't remember me but that is okay. It has been 20 years since I was there last!!!!!! Giselle did okay in the nursery. She was crying when I got there, but Missy (the nursery worker) said she hadn't been crying for very long. I made her a bottle and she calmed down.
I will definately be going back from now on. It's a little weird, but it had the same feeling that I remember from being a girl. I think it will bring some much needed peace.
I talked to Robert this morning. He asked me why I left him the text message about needing some attention from him. I told him about my promise to myself that I wouldn't go to bed angry and that was the only way to reach him. I also felt better today. I think going to church was very good for me.
I came home to the smell of pot roast cooking in the crockpot! Can't beat that! The kids should be home soon and Gale will be calling to be picked up and hopefully Robert will come by. I won't hold my breath on that last one! I really want him to come over.
I got my W2's back so by the end of the week I won't be broke anymore. I hope to have a job too by the end of the week.
I got into a nasty argument with Dickhead's wife yesterday. I had one of the kids call to see if they were going this weekend and she told him to put me on the phone. She was all "why are you putting the kids in the middle of this?" I told her I didn't want to deal with them anymore and there was no reason why the boys couldn't call to find out if their dad wants to see them. Then it escalated into he's in the hospital (again?) and can't pay you. Yeah, right. He was "out" a few days ago and now he's back? Bull! Then she said that they were flat broke and wasn't sure when he could pay me. Then it escalated about why he hasn't bothered to find another job if this one isn't paying him like it should. Then she tried saying that she was the only one able to push him to be a better person. Like it was an attack on me. I blew it off. Remember, I'm the one that left him cuz he wanted to be a loser all his life. I just said to her when we were together there was always someone working and we didn't worry about getting the bills paid and the kids were taken care of . I left it at that. She can have that freaking loser! I don't miss him at all! He is still a drunk and a jerk and selfish! Nope! I'm WAY better off without him! Maybe one day she'll realize that she is too. Anyway, barring any crazy happenings around here, I probably won't post til tomorrow! I hope I get a job call back!!!!! Wish me luck!

It was an okay day today.

2006-01-28T23:24:00.000-06:00

Spent the day with Robert and the kids. We went grocery shopping and hung out at his house. Made tacos and rice. Was a boring day. No drama. I did get a little irritated him before I left because I told him I wanted to come back because I needed some attention from him. He told me no. I was shocked! I just sent him a text message because he's not answering his phone. Hmmmmmm...back in the bad place. I had been trying each day to make things better in my head about him and our past. It has been slow goings but now I'm at a standstill. It's like I ran into a brick wall and looking up, trying to figure out how to climb over it.
I'm going to church tomorrow for the first time in a very long time. I think I need to bring some peace into my life. Finding God is just the beginning.
I also found a very inspirational quote while searching the web. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."--Eleanor Roosevelt. It is so true! I am good enough! Robert isn't any better than me. He acts superior at times to me and I am always quick to put him in his place when he tries. Sometimes I think that boy just needs a reality check. He's not perfect and he is in no way better than I am. It's funny cuz the things he says don't bother me. I just know that I also am not perfect and I try everyday to be the best person I can be to everyone who comes into my life. I keep trying to teach him that little piece of wisdom. Still not sure why he thinks he's better than me. Maybe he's jealous that I have my family intact and he doesn't. Who knows. Anyway, I am a little nervous about going to church tomorrow. It is my childhood church and I went to the website to check out times and everything and there is another new pastor there. I hope I enjoy his sermons because I would really like to stay at my church. Good night!

Blogging on someone else's site...

2006-01-27T02:35:00.000-06:00

is wrong! My apologies to the one I did it to.
Anyway, things are looking a little better for me. I have gone on a few job interviews. One might actually work out. I won't find out til probably Monday. It's a data entry job, entry level but since I'm not too proficient with the computer it should be interesting. She didn't mention if it was 10 key cuz if it is I'm screwed!!!!!!
So the kids don't have school tomorrow. That means that they're gonna do their best to drive me crazy! And my oldest is having a friend stay the night. It's gonna be a "Draggin' Ass Saturday." That's okay.
I wanted to go out Saturday night, but when I looked at myself in the mirror tonight I wasn't happy with what I saw. I got at least 40 extra pounds on me. And on a 5 foot frame that looks really bad! I used to be thinner. Not skinny, never skinny. But shapely in a really pretty way. My girlfriends were jealous of me cuz I had curves and they were sticks and I was jealous of them because they were thin and could wear anything. Funny how things are when you're a teenager. I just want my old body back. Having Giselle really messed me up. I gotta get up offa my ass and do something about it. Instead of complaining about it. My worst problem is that I eat when I'm bored. Not when I'm hungry. And I drink a lot of soda. I think that will be what I do first. I will give up the Pepsi. They say if you give up soda you can lose like 5 pounds. Giving up caffeine is gonna be rough on me. After I get that out of my system (I'll give it a week) I'll figure out what to do next. What works with my personality is to do one thing at a time. If I try to do too much I'll crash and burn. Anyway, it's nearly 3AM so I suppose I should go to bed.
Night all!
One more thing! Check this out! Too funny!http://www.robrob8.com/song_parody/dl_songs2/petnamesforgenatalia.mp3

Things are going well!

2006-01-22T20:39:00.000-06:00

It must've been PMS that made me completely insane. Things have been really good this week. I didn't jump off the deep end once this week. Yay me! Ha ha! Anyway, I thought I'd post cuz I was bored. Robert has the baby and I'm gonna go over later and get her. And maybe get some. I hope. It's been pretty good lately.
Anyway, I was thinking about a post that Pinky made yesterday. She said that her ex told her she shouldn't date until her daughter is 18 (she's 5). This asshole has a lot of nerve considering he has a girlfriend. I don't know if she's live in or whatever but I can't believe he would even ask her of that. Dickhead did that to me when we broke up too. Little did I know he had a girlfriend a the time. I actually agreed only because said it would be a good idea for both of us to focus 100% on the kids. He never mentioned it again. I think most men are afraid of being replaced in their children's life. Well, if you're there for them noone will ever replace a father. My dad lived in Florida when I was growing up and he was always there for me! Dickhead lives 15 minutes away and nothing! Once again he's "in the hospital." Yeah, right. He hasn't seen them since Xmas and hasn't paid child support since before Xmas. He is the ultimate loser! And Ann is no better. When I had Brandon call on Friday to get money from him, she went on and on about how she was gonna divorce his dad if he didn't go into rehab. Brandon said "I hope you do." Hmmm...I don't think he likes her, do you? Ha Ha. She is truly pathetic if she has to confide in a 14 year old boy. Get a friend dammit!
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I will find a job. I have 4 places I can send my resume and 3 places to actually go to find a job. Then hopefully I won't feel like so much of a loser myself. Anyway, wish me luck!

No drama...

2006-01-20T07:27:00.000-06:00

which is a great thing! It must have been my friend that was making me irrational. He has another soccer game tonight and I know he'll go to Alex's and hang and today I'm okay with it. Last week I went off the deep end about it. Man, my friend makes me psychotic! But I got to see him and I really missed him even though I had seen him 2 days before. Anyway, I finally got some. It was good. Not earthshattering but satiating. It'd been awhile. It was the first time I had told him I loved him in a while. It's not that I haven't loved him it's just, well, I was waiting to see if he would tell me first. He hadn't said it in a while and I just felt like it. I think that's a really good sign. That I haven't lost it. After two years, that is saying alot for me. Usually after a year or so I get bored and move on. Maybe he is the one for me. He says that I'm settling for him cuz with as many kids as I have I can't have anyone else. Bullshit Papi! When I first met you I could get any guy I wanted and I usually did. Most just didn't measure up to my expectations. Then you came along and just took my breath away. How do guys do that to us? I was having a good time getting my party on with my friends and out of the blue comes this totally amazing guy who seemed too good to be true. Turns out he was too good to be true. Okay, so no one is perfect. It took me alot to forgive him for cheating on me. I still haven't forgotten. Every once in a while I say something about it to him. Or I say things that will provoke what I hope is guilt without "realizing" it. Like mentioning him working late, like I haven't put two and two together. I don't know how people could forget something as heartbreaking as infidelity. I think about it every day and it's been a little over a year since I found out. The worst part of it is that it doesn't take anything to trigger it. I could be sitting watching TV or playing on the computer or even making dinner and I will think about it. So it's not just when it's an unoccupied mind. It's whenever my brain is awake. And that is hard. I read about infidelity in other's blogs and I can relate to the victim. I feel so bad and just want to commiserate, but I usually just move on. I mean, the person already feels bad enough, but I feel that if I say something, it will somehow make them feel worse. It's hard to believe how many of us have been cheated on. What ever happened to "This isn't working. I don't think we should be together." and then the other goes and finds someone. They say you know on the first date if you could spend the rest of your life with someone. Women know in the first 5 minutes if they would sleep with a guy. If it's a no, then don't pursue a relationship. I've been on a million first dates. Most don't work out and I'm honest and just say whether or not (not rudely of course) i had a good time and if I'd like to see the guy again. I guess I was one of the few people that was raised right. How hard is it to break it off with someone you don't want to be with? You always hear "I didn't want to hurt him/her." And cheating is the answer? Dumbass! Be a man/woman! You will get far more respect from a person for honesty. I don't think there is such a thing as too honest. There are tactful ways off telling people hurtful things. It just takes common sense and common courtesy. These are traits you should be instilling in your children, people! But I guess it makes it hard when kids see their favorite stars doing it. And the worst part of the stars is that they don't seem like they are held accountable for they vicious behavior. Look at the whole Brad/Jennifer/Angelina fiasco. He cheated on his wife and no one treats him like it. Now if he were poor white trash announcing it on Jerrry Springer, everyone would treat him like the piece of shit he really is. But because he is famous, we excuse the behavior. Once a cheater always a cheater. And Angelina to me is a homewrecker. I used to love her! I have all of her movies. And then she does something like this. I am firmly on Team Anniston! And about the once a cheater always a cheater, I do firmly believe it. Even though I stayed with Robert I honestly believe that he would cheat on me again. But I love him enough to take that chance one more time. You only get one more chance with me, babe. I have never given anyone else a second chance, so don't blow it. If it isn't working for you, let me know. I'm an adult. I can take it. Just don't be a dick about it and blame me cuz I'm showing you on a daily basis that I'm worth any man's time. You're not the only fish in the sea. You're just the fish that I'm deeply, headoverheels, fireworks in the sky in love with. Yours always, Jen.

Damn!

2006-01-19T20:54:00.000-06:00

My rant from yesterday isn't here! I wonder where it went? Oh well. It was nothing important. Just about how fuckedup my extended family is. But it's not important now. Anyway, the last few days with Robert have been good ones. I think I was temporarily insane because of PMS. I seem to go on horrible tangents that, when my friend is gone, I realize they are completely unfounded. Just another crazy female I guess. Anyway, I'm headed over to Robert's in awhile so hopefully things will still be good.

Crazy messed up weekend(and it's only Saturday!)

2006-01-15T01:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, technically it's Sunday, but whatever. Robert and I got into it again last night. Nothing to earthshattering. But I said something I should have never said. Well, two things actually. One, I told him that I had dumped better guys than him and two, if he treated his ex-wife even a tenth of the way he treats me, I could see why she stepped out on him! From what his sister has told me, Sandra was a fiery one not to take any bullshit. So anyway, I feel bad for what I said and apologized because they were unfair shots at him.
Anyway, I stopped being angry after telling him all that was bothering me and we made up. Or so I thought. So he calls me today and tells me his car was towed. It's sorta my fault because I parked in his assigned spot and he parked in a visitor's spot and apparently that is against the rules cuz when he got up this morning, his car was gone! So I went to get him and take him to his car cuz I felt super guilty! I'm lucky they didn't tow my car or I would have been FUCKED! So after he got his car ($125! Scam artists!) we went back to his place (the kids and I) and hung out there. While he and I were making dinner he said something about what I had said (the two things mentioned above) and said if they were said again he would end it. Now I realize that I shouldn't have said and I told him I said it out of anger and although I have said it here I had NO intention of ever saying it to him! But the heat of the moment got to me and I said both of them! Anyway, I just came back with "whatever floats your boat!" cuz I could tell that I had hurt him and I said to him "it doesn't feel good to be insulted and put down does it?" No answer. I mean, what could he have possible said anyway! So I am going to start each day brand new. If I'm angry with him I will put it to rest before I go to bed. If I don't talk to him I will put it here as a kind of therapy. I am good enough. I deserve the best! I want to be with Robert, but if it doesn't work I won't die. Okay, maybe I will die just a little, but with so many guys in the world there has to be one out there for me!
Anyway, off to Giselle's site to take off my picture. Now that Daddy has seen it I don't have to embarrass myself anymore. I need a freakin haircut and Bally's super badly and I don't need the whole world to see it and agree with me!

Before I bore you with more tales of woe....

2006-01-13T08:57:00.000-06:00

I want to thank Isabelle (who I don't know, but I read her blog religiously! The link is to the right under "Isabelle ROCKS!!!) for this tidbit: http://www.twochineseboys.blogspot.com.

"You complete me."

2006-01-13T08:06:00.000-06:00

Believe it or not, last night was the first time I have ever seen Jerry Maguire. I am not a Tom Cruise fan or a Renee Zellweger fan so I had no reason to really be interested in it (although I am a Cuba fan!). So I was at Robert's house last night and it was on TBS. It had just started and I was taking care of Giselle and he was sleeping and the part when they're on the elevator and the deaf couple are signing and he says to her, "You complete me." comes on. I lost it. I didn't cry, I just had a moment of clarity. Those three words meant more to that woman than "I love you" ever could. She doesn't say it, but the look on her face spoke louder than her mouth (or in her case, her hands) ever could. "I love you" is thrown around so loosely nowadays. Take for example a few years ago.
I called the sperm donor and his wife answered. At that point we were on friendly terms and we had been talking for a while. When we hung up I said "See you in a little while" (I was to drop two of the boys over there that evening). She said "I love you." I hung up thinking, it must be habit. The sad part is, it shouldn't be a habit. Saying it all the time takes the meaning out of it. Robert once asked me why I hardly say it to him. I simply said, "I don't need to. I show you." I think that is what it's all about. I understand that hearing it makes a person feel good. And I do tell him and when I say it he knows I mean it even though he says "?Segura?(Sure?) ?Positiva?(Positive?) ?Cien percento?(100 percent?)" every time after it. I laugh and nod and he smiles. (See it's times like those that makes me happy!) Showing your love can come in little ways and in ways that you don't even think about until someone asks you why you love someone. That's when you think of the time he starts your car in 5 degree weather so you don't freeze your ass off on your way to work at 5 in the morning. Or when he watches your favorite show with you even though he hates it and doesn't say a word. It's time like that that I forget all the drama and past bullshit and am just really happy to be in the moment. It's times like that that make me realize how much I love him and why.
The thing is, those other three words really struck a cord with me. Does Robert complete me or is he everything to me? I have no life other than Robert and the kids. I don't work, my friends are always busy with work and family obligations and our time together is precious and far between. Maybe I am too clingy because I have nothing else. I had a job when I first met him and I was happy. I was dating and just for the first time ever really happy. Nothing was serious it was all fun. I had a ton of friends at work and we hung out all the time on our days off. Then I started to date Robert. And while I still had the friends, I realized that he was becoming more and more part of my life because he was invited to go out with my friends. And although a lot of the time he declined (and now I know it was because he was busy dating someone else! (Damn why is hindsight always 20/20?)) he was always welcome and made to feel like one of the group. Now that I am gone from there and some of my friends are also gone or on different shifts than when we together, we don't hang. I mean, every once in a while, I'll get an email saying so and so went here and there one day, but it's not like it was. I miss having a life. I miss being Jen. I miss the wildness (man I could party it up with the best of them! Paris Hilton watch out!!!!) and the fun and just being me. Not that I'm not still me. I don't fake things. But I have pushed things down so I can be more of what society (namely Robert!) expects of a single mom around 3o.
On the other hand, I'm kinda glad that I'm not the crazy girl that used to jump up on stage at a club and let loose! I love having someone to love and hold and tell all my crazy dreams to. A lot of people say that you can talk to your kids and whatnot, but it's not the same as having someone to kiss and touch and call you and ask about your day.
We may not be at the point where Robert says "You complete me." and it might never get there the way things are going. But for now I'll take "You're here with me and I need you next to me."

There is so much good advice...

2006-01-12T20:37:00.000-06:00

given to me by people I don't know and it's funny cuz I know these ladies are right but do I take the advice? Of course not! They say it's easier to be on the outside looking in. And I know I should listen. But I know I won't. Why? Cuz I'm stuck in stupid. Or is it on stupid? I don't know. Anyway, I'm just gonna lay low for a while. See what happens. See if he chases after me. When he broke up with me all them times I didn't chase him. I went on. I was miserable, but I didn't call him, nothing. He called me to apologize. Maybe I was stupid for taking him back, maybe not. February 28th will be 2 years. Besides the boys' sperm donor that will be the longest relationship I have been in. Usually about a year to a year and a half I'm bored or miserable and I end it. So, while I'm definately not bored, I'm not happy. I think miserable is a harsh term to use at this point, but if something doesn't change, it won't be that long until it gets there. So to the girls who keep giving me good advice that I'm not taking, please don't be discouraged. I don't know my heritage cuz I'm adopted but I think I have some Italian in me cuz I'm as stubborn as a damn mule! Your words echo in my head all the time (and trust me, it's the truth!) and when push comes to shove, your voices will once again be heard and heeded! Thank you for your wisdom and support. When I can't trust the voices in my head to tell me the right thing to do, I know I can count on you!

I'm a little surprised...

2006-01-10T18:56:00.000-06:00

...that Robert actually called me today. When I asked him if he even got the message from last night he said yes. He said it sounded like I needed to cool down before we talked so he didn't call. Well, duh!!! Anyway, I still don't know if this is a relationship I should stay in. My heart is screaming at me that if I end things, it will kill me. My head says I deserve to be treated right. Unfortunately, I agree with both. So what's a woman to do? Maybe I should try to weather the storm. Maybe this is just a bad phase we're (or more probably I am) going through. He does own some of this though. These feelings aren't just in my head. I might not be the brightest crayon in the box but I know when I am hurting and I know when I'm hurtin cuz of Robert. I'm gonna go over there tonight and talk with him. If he wants to end it then I will let him go. If not, he had better fight to keep things going strong. I won't put up with a man who lets things be half ass! It's all or nothing til the end baby and you'd better believe it!
I keep telling myself I should back off slowly and see what happens. But every time I try that I fall in deeper.
On a lighter note, I put in some job applications today. Here's a lesson girls: DON'T DROP OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A GUY!!!! I can't find a good paying job to save my life! My girlfriend says to get into stripping cuz the cash is unbelievable, but I can't do that! I got kids! If I'm not proud of what I'm doing, how are they gonna be proud of their ma? So now I am gonna wait a few days to see what comes up. Hopefully by this Monday I will be a working woman once again!
Ok all! Take care and until next time America! Oh God I have to get a job! I'm quoting Murry!

What the hell is the matter with him? Or is it me?

2006-01-09T19:37:00.000-06:00

I got into a nasty argument with Robert tonight. He asked me how my day went and I told him that I finally got money from Dickhead. But that jerk thought it would be funny to give me my child support in the form of a Walmart card. Any other time it wouldn't be a big deal, hey, money is money right? But I nearly ran out of gas getting there then he hands me the card and says it has 100 bucks on it. I was pissed! How the hell was I supposed to get back home? I was counting on that money so I could look for a job tomorrow! I scraped together a dollar in change and put enough gas in the car to get me home. So now I'm stranded at home, my mother has been on my ass nonstop about money (but she has the money to fly to Florida for the holidays!) and I don't have anyway to get anywhere to get applications! But I digress.
Well, I don't know what exactly started the argument but it ended up he said something shitty about I wouldn't have these problems if I hadn't spread my legs (his crude words!). Okay, let's get something straight asshole! That man was abusive in every conceivable way! He beat me, he hurt me emotionally, he repeatedly raped me. That's why I have 4 sons instead of the two I willing slept with him for! I endured that abuse for years! And you have the nerve to tell me I shouldn't have opened my legs? ASSHOLE!!!!! So I hung up on him. After a few minutes of breathing I called him back and said to him "What gives you the right to judge me?" He apologized but I know he didn't mean it because he has said it before and apologized. Well then I asked him if he ever forced his exwife to do anything she didn't want to do and he said no. Then I asked him if his wife ever forced him to do anything he didn't want to do and he made some smartass comment about how she would make him let her go down on him! I was furious and hung up on him. After another few minutes of breathing I called him back. Voicemail. Same thing the next 4 times I tried to call. So I left him a message that when he is ready to treat me right to call me. I don't expect to ever hear from him again.
Jeez! Why do I put up with this bullshit? I've dumped better guys than him! Why does love have to hurt so much? I thought when love hurt it was cuz someone you cared for was hurt or died or something like that. I always thought that love was the be all, end all to a relationship and everything else would just work itself out when the time was right. Boy what a fool I've been!!! Is love really enough? Apparently not. I have given him everything I have and am dried to the bone and I get no respect at all. But am I being selfish because I expect some respect? I mean, I know true love is selfless, so am I wrong to want respect from him? Good Lord, I gave birth to his child. That in and of itself deserves some sort of respect! I hate this! Even after all the bullshit we've been through I show him respect! He cheated on me and lied to my face about it and I still show him respect! That was how I was brought up. In order to earn respect you have to give respect. Maybe he's just used to taking. Like I have said in every relationship I have ever been in: I will leave with my head held high because I know I have done everything in my power to try and make him happy. If he doesn't think I'm good enough he needs to leave me alone. I know I can make a man happy. Mamita was brought up right. If he doesn't want me then I will find someone who does. I'm a good person and an honest person and I know that I am worthy of respect. Take that!

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-03T15:02:00.000-06:00

So I'm 3 days late with that! Sorry! Have been feeling a little under the weather. But I'm better now. I was reading my resolutions for last year and they haven't changed a bit for this year. Last year I wanted to lose the last 15 pounds of my 85 pound wieght loss. Now I want to lose the extra 30 pounds I put on since being pregnant and having Giselle. I want to find a great job. I want to be happy (with or without Robert!!) I want to be my kids' friend without having to compromise what is right for them. Wish me luck on all endeavors!!!

Help!

2005-12-28T20:55:00.000-06:00

I would like to change the links where it says "Edit me". If anyone can help I would appreciate it. Leave me a message if you can help. I want to put "Gisellelynn.blogspot.com" there and where it says to do it in the edit template, it didn't work. So if someone can PLEASE put the exact letters and words for me so I can copy it, I would appreciate it! Thanks!! PS. Giselle is my adorable baby girl!

Trouble Ahead?

2005-12-27T02:06:00.000-06:00

The last 24 hours have been crazy! Got into a nasty tiff with Robert last night (Christmas evening) about whether or not we should stay together. Right now, I could honestly take him or leave him. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. It does tell me I'm not emotionally dependent on him anymore. That's a good thing. But it almost makes me question how I feel toward him. I know I love him and not because he's my baby's father. I can't say how deep it is because I always believed a deep, strong love had to be mutual and totally even. But it is undeniable that I truly love him. Maybe one day I will feel that from him. But trust me when I say I won't hold my breath!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2005-12-25T07:56:00.000-06:00

I love this time of year! I hate that my kids are up at 4 AM and they know not to bug me before 6 but do anyway! This X-mas was a little tight. But they're happy. I got a digital camera from Robert. Not the most romantic gift, but a nice one. Of course, I'm no better. I gave him a tortilla warmer and a golf scope. When taxes come back he's gonna get something nicer from me. More personal. If we're still together! Anyway, gonna go because Bradley wants to play with his new PC game.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! And God bless everyone!!!!!

It's been awhile!!!!!!!!!

2005-12-23T16:55:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile because my computer crashed and I had to take it to Best Buy to get it fixed. Then there was a problem setting up my internet so I had to wait for the "Geek Squad" (God I love that name!) to come fix it. So now I'm back! And things are going pretty well the last few days. Robert has become second in my world instead of being my world. It suits my world and my family better. And I think it also will either make or break us because instead of his feelings being the most important thing (next to my children's of course) I have put my feelings first. Christmas weekend proves to be a good thing. Saturday is our big family Christmas. Then the kids and I are going to Robert's sister Lisa's house in the evening. Sunday the boys will be with their dad after Christmas morning at home. I don't know what I will do while they are gone. I'm thinking about going to the movies. Not sure yet. I always thought people that went to the movies on Christmas were pathetic. Now that I am one of those people it doesn't seem to be that big of a deal! Ha Ha! Anyway, thanks to all who have left such encouraging messages to me! You guys are the best! Love, Jen

"U Should've Known"

2005-12-07T22:34:00.000-06:00

I'm listening to Monica's "U Should've Known." This song really makes me think. I wonder what Robert thought when he was cheating on me. I mean, did he think he was really unhappy with me? Was he with her because he didn't think I would settle down? Did he know I wouldn't leave? Did he know she wouldn't stay? Why did he "choose" me? I mean, she wouldn't take him back although she did admit to me he never tried to get back with her after we both confronted him. But was that because he knew she wouldn't go back? Did he love her? He told her he did. He chased after for 6 weeks when she found out about me the first time. (She ended it after seeing us together at Transit but she didn't confront him there. Had she done that, I might have ended it too. At that point I was a lot stronger.) He must have felt something for her to break up with me to be with her. He did that a few times. He never broke up with her to be with me. I feel like I have her "sloppy seconds."

It's funny cuz when we first met, I was partying it up on the weekends, dating, macking, and the like. Then this guy comes into my life and my whole perspective on life changes within a few months. I realize that I want to be someone's wife (at that point I didn't know if he was "The One"), I wanted someone to love in that special way. Then that Hoobastank song came out. Y'know "The Reason." I connected with that song and burned the single for him and wrote him a note about how he changed my life and how I felt. I never gave him the note. I didn't want to give him that power over me. Somehow, he got it (the power, not the note!) anyway. Long before I found out about the cheating. Why did God give us hearts if he knew how easily they break. There is a song by Jessica Andrews called "Unbreakable Heart" and Lord how I wish it were true! I'm tired of being the bleeding heart in the relationship. Just once I want him to feel like I do and put it all out on the table like I do. I don't bullshit with him. Even if I know what I'm gonna say is gonna piss him off or hurt him I still tell him. I still believe in "Honesty is the best policy." I always told him if he found someone he would rather be with to call me up and tell me. Give me the chance to decide if I still want to be with him.

It just pisses me off that he always accused me of cheating. He said he couldn't do it cuz his ex-wife cheated on him and took their kids to go live with her lover and he was so hurt that he couldn't do that to someone. He lied. Out and out to my face. And when I confronted him about the woman he was cheating on me with, he lied. I've learned that a man's credo is "deny deny deny." After hours of arguing and telling him what I'd heard on her voicemail he finally admitted it to me. I was so devastated! I felt like someone had taken my heart out and ran a freaking steamroller over it about 500 times! That was the moment I realized he had the power that I thought I hadn't given him. The power to hurt me. After thinking things over for a week I decided that I must've loved him enough to let the walls down so he could hurt me. I learned a valuable lesson that night. If I let him back into my heart, I would be damned if he would hurt me again. My one friend said I should've cheated on him to show him how it felt. But that would've made me no better than him. I believe to this day that if this relationship ends I can leave it with my conscience and integrity and with my head held high because I did everything in my power to make him happy. I hope he knows what he has. And if things do end I'm done. I gave my all and I don't have anymore to give.

Robert, I know you will never read this but I hope you know how much I love you!

This is the man that I have been stressin' over!

2005-12-06T23:10:00.000-06:00

This is him. My beautiful heartache. That's my nickname for Robert. These are two of the 6 reasons I breathe! Even looking into his eyes in a picture leaves my feeling breathless!
Anyway, he did come over tonight and we talked. He said he loves me, that he wouldn't cheat on me again. He says that little girl right there is reason enough to stay faithful. Is that possible? Can having a child really change your attitude toward someone? I know it made me love him more! I don't know how that happens but it did. When I'm not with him I'm thinking about him, missing him like crazy. Wanting to be with him forever. Am I a glutton for punishment, who knows! I just want to be happy and I want Robert the one to make me happy!!!

World's biggest idiot?

2005-12-04T21:29:00.000-06:00

It's 9:30 on Sunday night and what am I doing? Nothing. Waiting for Robert to call. He was gonna come over tonight and apparently he's not gonna bother. But the really bad part is that he hasn't even bothered to call me. Three Sundays in a row? And he wonders why I don't trust him! When I call he doesn't answer his phone. Then calls me back in a few minutes. Been there, done that. I hate this! I want to end it but my heart won't let me! I don't think it's fair that my heart always takes over my head! And it wonders why it ends up hurt all the time! You think it would learn it's lesson! I don't know what to do. I have had so many nice messages from yesterday's post and a little encouragement and trust me, that helps. But I know me and I know I'm not going anywhere. Unfortunately, Robert knows it too! Soy la estupida...Anyway, until...

A little goes a long way!

2005-12-03T14:55:00.000-06:00

I miss Robert sooo much!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to see hime every day nearly but since Giselle was born I see him maybe once or twice a week. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions I used to visit him at night after the boys were asleep. Now that the baby is here I don't want to bring her into the cold. So now I see him at least one weekend night a week and once during the week when he comes to visit. I'm hoping that by March 2007 I will have enough money and the job stability to get a house for rent to own. Then he can come see us whenever he wants!
Anyway, I got to see him for about 15 minutes yesterday cuz I had to take Brett to his dad's. So seeing Robert lives about 2 minutes from Dickhead's house I made a little detour. I held on to him like it was the last time I would ever see him. It was nice to just be completely alone with him again. I missed that!
So then Dickhead calls this morning and says to bring the other boys for a few hours for his other son's birthday party. I called Robert hoping he blew off work today so I could see him. He never even called me today during his lunch break. He didn't call until 2:30. He says I don't call him anymore. Why bother? He never answers his phone anyway. Okay, enough bitchin. Until...

Cool!

2005-12-02T02:00:00.000-06:00

I think I finally figured out how to download pix! Now if I could find out who to give credit for this picture of my favorite hottie! Next to Robert of course! Thanks to the photographer (From KeanuWeb).

Robert's mom Maria

2005-12-02T00:08:00.000-06:00

Robert's mom went in for routine eye surgery today. Everything went okay. Robert, Mari and his mom went back to Mari's house and I guess a few hours later Mari's son Tonio called Lisa and said that they had to take Maria back to the hospital because she had some sort of reaction to something after she took her diabetes meds. She got really sick but when I called him a few hours after that he said she was okay. I'm glad.
Anyway, another boring day in the house. Dickhead finally paid me. I'm tired of his bullshit excuses. He said that Ann had forgotten to put the zip code on the envelope. Bullshit! He didn't want to pay me. I nearly ran out of gas getting out there. I had to count change to put a gallon in and it was barely enough to get me there and to the bank to cash the check. Anyway, when I got there I asked him if he was taking the boys this weekend. He said no cuz they hurt Ann's feelings. Umm...excuse me! What about the shitty things she has said to them! He doesn't want to listen to their side. Oh well. I talked to the boys about it and said that they should have a family meeting and talk out the problems. Problem is, Ann is too immature to do her part and plays into the kids. The boys try to make their dad see what she does but he is too blind to it. Maybe one day they will work out the problems but I don't think so as long as he takes sides.
Well tonight there is no bad feelings about Robert. I know he had a bad day with his mom. Even if something had been done it would be too selfish to put it cuz I know he had a rough day.

Do I have to have a title every time?!?

2005-11-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

I spent the night at Robert's last night. Mom wasn't very happy about it but I said "What! It's not like we can have sex or anything!" She didn't like my sarcasm. But it had been nearly a week since I stayed there and 4 days since I've seen him. When I got there he hugged me very close to him. Part of me was relieved. Part of me thought maybe he has figured out how to throw me off track and not think he's cheating on me. Jeez am I a pessimist or what?!?! It was a little strange being over there. I spent the night next to Giselle, listening to him lightly snore. I couldn't sleep for I had too much going on in my head. I kept thinking to myself "Is this worth it?" and "Can I really not be with him and be okay?" I also kept thinking that by the time Giselle is a year old we won't be together anymore. Maybe by then my self esteem will be better and things will look up for me and I won't care so much. Who knows!
Anyway, I'm gonna try to get a few pictures uploaded here so catch ya later!

So what do I do?

2005-11-27T20:23:00.000-06:00

Now I am more confused than ever. I invited Robert over today cuz neither of us had anything to do and he didn't come by. Now I know this sounds stupid but I am tired of feeling like I am the only one actually trying to make this relationship work. Why can't he just come right out and say that he doesn't want anything to do with me? He can't honestly believe that I would keep Giselle from him. Dickhead is a terrible father and I don't keep the kids from him! So why does Robert think that I would do that to him? (After a long pause...)Oh, right. The money. He thinks I'm gonna screw him over financially. I'm not gonna bother. His wife will do a good job of that. Besides, I'm doing okay without his help. I knew I should've stayed in Lawrence. Maybe I will do it again when taxes come back again. This time I won't let anyone stop me or ask me to come back. Not that Robert will. Dickhead definately will. Maybe I will disconnect my phone right before I go. I don't know. Robert seems like he will be a good dad. I mean, I haven't ever seen him with his kids. He hasn't bothered to try and see them. Maybe that is part of the problem.
And this is all emotionally hard on me cuz on the first of December it will have been a year since I got that fateful phone call saying that he was seeing someone else. I'm a fucking wreck and I know it is no longer post partum. It is totally because of him. Y'know, the other night he asked me why I love him. I was totally honest and said I didn't know why. But I know I do. I don't question my feelings I just go with them. When I asked him the same question he said he couldn't explain it either but he knew he had strong feelings for me and they don't just go away. Well maybe they don't just go away. Maybe they went away when he started to date Gaby last year. Or maybe when he thought he should move her and her daughters in with him. Or maybe when he broke up with me a million times last year to be with her. Part of me wonders why I went back to him. He told me to follow my heart. Maybe I should've followed my head. It was what let me see all the signs. My heart let me ignore them. Man am I an idiot!!!!!

Second Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T14:55:00.000-06:00

It went without a hitch! The food was excellent! I didn't get a standing O from Robert but he did say it was all really good! And now he can't tell me that I can't cook cuz I think I have probably proven him wrong! I think for Xmas dinner I will add Enchiladas to the menu cuz they are his favorite food. That way he knows I made something especially for him! Anyway, yesterday was good and I have to tell the whole world that I am thankful for my parents, my kids, my family, my health and Robert.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2005-11-24T19:54:00.000-06:00

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. At least for me. I spent the night at Robert's last night with Giselle and this afternoon we went to his sister Maribel's house for dinner. We had only been there about an hour and a half when Dickhead called and said come get the boys. He said yesterday to pick them up between 6 and 7 and it wasnt' even 4 when he called. I was pissed cuz when I told him that he said he didn't say that. He then said he and his wife had plans for dinner. When I picked the boys up they said that he lied cuz their stepmom was tired of them. What pisses me off about that is she knew he had kids when they were dating. If she didn't want to have stepchildren she shouldn't have married him. Fucking bitch! She treats the boys like shit and Dickhead backs her up all the time without hearing their side. Maybe I will just not let them go over there for awhile. It's not punishment for him but it will let the kids get a break from her which I think they need. He also said he was only gonna take two at a time again. Pretty sad when you can't deal with your own kids. I do it everyday with an infant as well! Those two are nothing but ASSHOLES!
Tomarrow is our Thanksgiving. Robert is coming over tomorrow afternoon for dinner. He always teases me that I can't cook. Considering we don't live together and I don't ever get a chance to cook for him he really doesn't know. But he'll see tomorrow that I can cook better than anyone he knows! I'm throwing a real gourmet feast! Turkey with apple-sage stuffing, tarragon green beans, twice baked potatoes with cheese, salad with tomato and tarragon dressing, homemade bread, and three kinds of pie: French Silk, Pumpkin and Apple. Maybe after tomorrow he'll never make fun of me again!
But anyway, I had a great time with Robert. We went out for last night and went back to his place to watch TV. Then went to bed about 10:30. Giselle slept all night for the first time! Hopefully it won't be the last time! When she woke up, Robert woke up with her and let me sleep! I was so thankful. Then we lounged around til we had to get ready to go at 1:30. It was really nice! I wish everyday was like that! I wish he wished everyday was like that! I really love him. I don't know why. With all the drama between us I really don't know why but I refuse to question it! My heart soars when I'm with him or even when I just think about him! I must be insane! That's okay thought! It's a nice insane! Anyway, gonna go read a few blogs. 'Til...

So now what?

2005-11-20T23:23:00.000-06:00

This week has been full of ups and downs. Last Saturday I was supposed to go to Robert's sister Lisa's for his birthday. He basically said to me he didn't want all of us there. Here I'm thinking "Then what the fuck are you doing dating a single mom if you don't want to deal with her kids?" Then the next day he comes over and spends the entire day with the boys. I must be on crack or something or still severely depressed cuz everything still sets me off. This week went by fairly quickly.
Friday night is Robert's soccer night and I thought he was finally gonna "allow" us to go. See, he hasn't told his co-workers about the baby. Why I don't know. He says he doesn't know why. I know it's not cuz he cheating at work. He works with all men. It's like he's embarrassed. So anyway, he plays with his co-workers on a league and I didn't have the boys (I still can't believe Dickhead took them all!) that night so I thought for sure we would be able to go to the game. He left us at home. And didn't come home til nearly 2 am. I was livid! I never get to spend any real time with him and the one night I can stay as long as I want he doesn't even bother to come home at a decent hour! So then Saturday night I go over there and all he wanted was something sexual from me. I gave in easily. Gotta keep my man happy right? Then he's supposed to come over today and he doesn't show up. He doesn't even call! And he doesn't pick up his phone. He finally called me at 8:30 tonight with the lame excuse he was at his sister's. I remember those excuses from when he was cheating on me. Still not sure if I buy it. My gut is all over the place with this one. Last year I was right and didn't trust my gut. What if I'm right again? Then what? How's the saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." He tells me he won't cheat because he won't make the same mistake twice. Yeah, right. I keep trying to give him his out by saying don't be with me just for the baby. He says he wants to be with me but his actions and words say something different. Unfortunately for me, I love that asshole.

Can He Be Serious?

2005-11-12T00:05:00.000-06:00

I told Robert tonight that I didn't think we would last too much longer and NOT because I was the one who wanted to end it. He said that I was wrong and that he loved me and the baby. It's not his love for Giselle that I'm questioning. He knows that. I think I'm definately suffering from post partum depression. I am stuck in the house with nothing to do but housework and taking care of the baby. I miss working and going out and having fun. I know I probably sound spoiled or whatever but I'm not used to being home at all. And even when I go to the store my ma is calling me checking on me! For God's sake, I'm not 13! I'm an adult! This sucks! He said I trapped him by getting pregnant on purpose. How can that be when he is the one free to go do whatever the hell he wants and I'm at home tending to his daughter night and day?!? Nice try babe! If anyone is trapped it is I. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about taking care of Giselle, cuz I truly love being a mom to her. But it pisses me off when he says he was the one who was trapped. I haven't asked him for a damn thing. Everything he has done for her has been of his own doing. Part of me wishes I had never left Kansas. Maybe things would've worked out for me there. But NOOOOO! I had to love him and miss him and come back to him! Man was I stupid! But I can't deny that I do love Robert very much! I have never felt this way about anyone! And I made the mistake of telling him that. Which means he knows he can play me like a fiddle with no hesitation. I hate that I gave him that power but I don't know how to get it back and keep the relationship in tact. It's times like this that I wish I had Dr. Phil on speed dial! He'd know what to do! And he would help me learn to trust Robert again. And THAT is what I want more than anything in the world! Until...

Just Bored

2005-11-09T02:49:00.000-06:00

I know I really shouldn't fill this up when I have nothing to say. I was just looking at more blogs. I didn't these existed and I was afraid someone would find my journal. So I tossed it today right before the garbage truck came. You wouldn't believe some of the stupid stuff I did and wrote about! Couldn't have anyone find that! But now I just live your average suburban life. I don't know if I would even want to go back to the old days of clubbing and partying. Getting drunk and macking on unknown guys. While it seemed fun at the time, I think I have grown up a little since then and the quiet life doesn't seem so bad. Besides, if I really wanted to go clubbing all I would have to do is ask Robert. He loves it as much as I do! Okay, enough of the nothing. Maybe something interesting will happen today. If so, I'll be back but don't hold your breath!!!

Very Interesting

2005-11-09T01:44:00.000-06:00

I just spent the last 3 hours looking at the site and reading some of the blogs. It's nice to see that I'm not the only boring person here! But I can't believe all the pornographic stories that kept popping up! Some of the titles made me blush and I'm hardly a prude! I did see a few that I would like to read on a continued basis. One just cuz the guy was super hot! Anyway, I think I will really enjoy this site. Well, good night!

The Answer

2005-11-08T19:30:00.000-06:00

Okay. So I didn't exactly get an answer. But I do feel a little better. Maybe I am suffering from post partum depression. Who knows. But Robert and I spent a few hours together today before he went into work and everything seemed okay. I once again told him I was okay with the way things are between us. He said it was because I was afraid to lose my freedom. What freedom? I'm basically another child in this house because I have to ask permission to go anywhere if I leave even one child at home. How can that be considered freedom? That's what I told him. I don't think he wants anything from me because of the Deadbeat. He doesn't really keep up his end financially and I think that is what keeps Robert from pursuing anything. He doesn't want to pay for kids that aren't his. Especially when he will have his own to pay for when the divorce is finalized. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Who knows. But as I said, I do feel better about things. At least today. Maybe tomorrow I won't. Until whenever...

Men

2005-11-07T21:25:00.000-06:00

I don't understand them. I'm confused by Robert's behavior. I can't even understand where it started tonight. All I know is that I now really have the feeling that he was only with me because I was pregnant. And I think he thinks that if he ends it with me I will really screw him. I'm going over to his house in a little while and I'm going to confront him about this. I love him. He doesn't get that. If he doesn't want to be with me then he should stop wasting my time. I am too old for this crap. If he doesn't want to be in an adult relationship he should go date someone younger. I want someone who really truly wants to be with me. Not tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I want the truth. Why can't he just be honest for once? We have been through so much for him to do this to me. I'm a big girl now. I can handle it...I think.
The thing that really bothers me is that only 2 hours before he said that he wanted to see me and the baby and blah blah blah. And I bought it. Then he says it sure is costing a fortune to see his daughter and maybe he should keep receipts for when I turn into a bitch. I have never given him any reason to think that I would be like that. I'm not even like that with the Deadbeat. Gonna go. Will write more later.

An Introduction

2005-11-06T20:42:00.000-06:00

My name is Jennifer and I'm a first timer so please go easy on me! My life isn't that exciting or fabulous or any of the things I thought it would be when I was young and full of crazy dreams.
I'm 30...ish. I have 5 kids. Brandon, 14, Blake, 12, Bradley, 10, Brett, 9 and Giselle, one week. Yeah, I know, what was I thinking? I'm am now unemployed but even when I did have a job I couldn't afford to move out of my mother's house. So I'm a single mom with no job and live off my mother. How pathetic is that? But I refuse to go on welfare! I'm adamant about it because I have always looked down on those who were healthy and able to work but were just too damn lazy to get off their asses and work. Even McDonald's hires. There are no excuses.
I do plan, however to go back to work in January. I had a job I absolutely loved in international sales for a small company. Unfortunately, the boss was seriously bi-polar and called people stupid and worthless and liars at the drop of a hat. I was among those people and being pregnant at the time, I decided that environment was not for me. So I quit. I had no qualms about it until I realized that now I really am a pathetic person. At least before I had a job.
This is not how I envisioned my life when I was in high school. I was in honors classes with a dream to go to college and study French and become an interpreter for the US Embassy. Then, in a whirlwind, came my sons' father.
Now HE was a total loser but at 17 all I cared about was that he had a car. I didn't care that he drank and smoked pot as long as he took me where I wanted to go when I wanted to go there. Seven months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant. I was okay with it. I wasn't in school anymore but college could wait right? He, on the other hand, didn't even really acknowledge it. We were living together by then, in seedy motels or whatever he could afford at the time when he had his beer bought and paid for. I was miserable, but I thought the baby should be raised by 2 parents. Hey, give me a break! I was only 18. And stuck on stupid for 8 more years. We had four sons together and he is still a deadbeat. He wants to be friends with me now even though he physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me all that time. Maybe he has forgotten, but I sure as hell haven't.
Anyway, after leaving him, I came to my mother's with the plan to leave in 2 years. I had a good job but didn't make enough money to support my family. Their father never paid me child support despite the fact that I took him to court countless times. I kept hoping the fear of jail would make him pay up. It didn't and the state never held up their end by putting him in jail for back child support. The jails were filled up.
So 2 years after leaving him and giving up hope of ever finding a life of my own and a little happiness, a great guy comes into my life. He was my best friend's brother. The funny thing is in high school we were so mean to each other and had you told me that ten years later we would be dating I would have laughed! That lasted about a year and half. I ended it with him because he seemed to be more interested in my boys than in me (and I don't mean that in a Michael Jackson sort of way). In hindsight, maybe that wasn't a bad thing.
I started to date a little more, and was more careful about the guys I would accept dates from. I had a whirlwind romance and was actually engaged to one man. Things seemed to be looking up until one day he confessed to cheating on me with his ex-wife. That was my one rule. You don't cheat on me. I ended it immediately.
So then some friends from work invited me to a club in town and I went. I was still a little crazy and not to discretionary but I met the most amazing guy. It was lust at first sight, on both our parts apparently. Things got heavy really quickly and before I knew it I was crazy head over heels in love with Robert. I had never felt this way about anyone in my entire life! Then one day last December I got a phone call I will never forget. Another woman called me and asked me about my relationship with Robert. I told her we'd been dating for nearly a year. That's when she proceeded to tell me she'd been dating him on and off for five months and that we had actually met in a club. She had come up to us a few months before and was really nasty to Robert in a way that I didn't quite catch. He explained to me at the time that she was someone that he had talked to one of the few times we had broken up. I bought it, hook line and sinker. Especially when he introduced me as his fiancee. That was new to me considering we hadn't even discussed marriage. I was confused that night, but let it go. Until that fateful December night.
So we talked. Forever it seemed. I was so angry with him because he always said he could never cheat because his ex-wife had cheated on him and it really hurt him and he didn't want to do that to anyone. I was also really hurt. At first, when I confronted him he denied it. He had a lot of nerve because I heard proof on her voicemail and where her car had been parked the night before in his driveway because of the fresh snow. There were tons of other signs but I blew them off as paranoia. So after a week of talking to her (and to this day I don't know why I did that) I talked to him. I mean, really talked to him. He told me to follow my heart. If I didn't want to see him he'd walk out of my life and never bother me again. I sat on that for a few days and called him. I told him I loved him. I mean completely over the moon, fireworks in the sky, loved him. I had never felt that way about anyone in my life and I didn't know if I would ever find that kind of love again. I gave him another chance. Two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to death to tell him. I was afraid he would think I trapped him. I didn't honestly! I was on the Pill. I took it religously. It was the antibiotic I took for my flu that did it.
He kept on insisting I had done it on purpose. I vehemently denied it. Here I am 30ish and my youngest son is 8. Why the hell would I do something stupid like that? So to prove to him that I really didn't need anything from him I dropped my sons off with the deadbeat and ran away to Kansas. 800 miles from home. He called me later that night and asked me to come over. I told him that it wasn't possible then explained why. He then told me to come home. To this day I'm not sure if he really wanted me to or not. But I came back. Part of me regrets it only for the fact that I still don't know where I fit in his life. He doesn't share his feelings with me, he doesn't speak of any kind of future together, nothing. I told him a day at a time works for me but it doesn't. I want the future I envisioned as a teenager. Maybe someday.