Another rant

I spent the day with him. It went well. Until tonight. I told him I wanted to come back because I needed some attention. He told me he was going out with his cousin. Thanks for making me a fucking priority. Even when I tell him what I want it doesn't matter. I don't ever want to hear a man say he doesn't know what women want cuz I know that women tell them. They just choose to ignore it. It really hurt me. He did the same thing last week. Then he began to say he needed to think if we should be together. That is a huge red flag to me! If you need to think about it (considering you're the one that cheated on me, you're the one who dumped me countless times, you're the one who is selfish) then I know exactly where I stand with you. Nowhere. And when you see me where you want to be in your life, but you're not there, don't come begging back to me. You had your chance and you blew it. If you want it to work, work on it. A relationship is a constant work in progress. Why don't people see that? They think that once they are committed, or living together or married, that the work is over. The chase and casual dating are the easy parts. It's what comes after that really matter. Jees, he's been married, he knows. Maybe this is why she cheated. He didn't listen to her needs. It gets kinda old to repeatedly tell someone what makes you happy. Especially if you've been in the relationship for a while. On the 28th we'll have been together 2 years. Not once has he mentioned anything going any farther than us dating. I find it odd. I realize that my package is a larger one than normal, but he knew from the first time we talked that I had 4 boys. It obviously wasn't a problem for him before. I have always pulled my weight. I've only been without a job twice since we've been together. The first time was only for about a month and a half and that was because thought I was gonna stay in Kansas.
Hmmm...Kansas. Maybe leaving should be an option again. As good as he is to Giselle, I'm the one making the effort for him to see her. If I didn't bring her by, he would never see her. Nothing cures a broken heart like distance right? Maybe I should go again. If I don't get this job on Monday. I honestly don't think he knows how much I love him. Maybe I do get bent out of shape on things as trivial as going out without me. But that's how he ended up cheating on me in the first place. He doesn't understand that I still have that mentality. Just because he's over it doesn't mean I am. I am the one who was betrayed and hurt. I'm the one constantly wondering if I did anything wrong. I'm the one wondering if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Because he cheated on me I am the one filled with insecurities. Not him. I have never ever made him feel like he wasn't enough for me. Maybe that was my downfall. I was too easily accessible. He knew how I felt. I never have hidden any feeling from him. But that's my personality. How are people to know how you are doing and such if you don't tell them? How are people to know what you want if you don't tell them? No one is a mind reader! That's what makes everyone unique. Different things make different people tick. If you knew what someone else wanted without having to communicate with them it would be a very quiet and boring world.
It's funny cuz my one girlfriend says I have all this insight into things like this but I'm dumb as dogshit (common sense wise, anyway!). Why can't I apply all these things I think into my relationship with Robert? Is it because it's a one way street? God I hate not knowing. It's times like these where I wish I could read his mind. If he doesn't want to be with me I wish he would just tell me. I hate feeling like I'm hanging on the end of a rope. I have been nothing but honest from the get go. I told him that if I had thought I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I would have never bothered to go past a first date. I think women know what they want with a man in the first month or two. Me? I usually know after a first date if it is someone I'd like to try out for a few months to see where it goes. I must have wanted to be with him because even after he cheated I took him back. He is the first guy I have ever taken back. I was to be married this summer with the guy I was with before him. He cheated on me with his exwife and I didn't take him back. That must say alot about my feelings for Robert. I sat on the decision for two weeks. I didn't tell him that getting back together was an option. I told him I have never stayed with a cheater. We talked a little on and off during the two weeks and I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him. I still don't. But if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me it will be his loss, not mine like he thinks.
I need to make a list of things I will not accept in a relationship. But not tonight. I have to get up early for church.
Good night.