"U Should've Known"

I'm listening to Monica's "U Should've Known." This song really makes me think. I wonder what Robert thought when he was cheating on me. I mean, did he think he was really unhappy with me? Was he with her because he didn't think I would settle down? Did he know I wouldn't leave? Did he know she wouldn't stay? Why did he "choose" me? I mean, she wouldn't take him back although she did admit to me he never tried to get back with her after we both confronted him. But was that because he knew she wouldn't go back? Did he love her? He told her he did. He chased after for 6 weeks when she found out about me the first time. (She ended it after seeing us together at Transit but she didn't confront him there. Had she done that, I might have ended it too. At that point I was a lot stronger.) He must have felt something for her to break up with me to be with her. He did that a few times. He never broke up with her to be with me. I feel like I have her "sloppy seconds." It's funny cuz when we first met, I was partying it up on the weekends, dating, macking, and the like. Then this guy comes into my life and my whole perspective on life changes within a few months. I realize that I want to be someone's wife (at that point I didn't know if he was "The One"), I wanted someone to love in that special way. Then that Hoobastank song came out. Y'know "The Reason." I connected with that song and burned the single for him and wrote him a note about how he changed my life and how I felt. I never gave him the note. I didn't want to give him that power over me. Somehow, he got it (the power, not the note!) anyway. Long before I found out about the cheating. Why did God give us hearts if he knew how easily they break. There is a song by Jessica Andrews called "Unbreakable Heart" and Lord how I wish it were true! I'm tired of being the bleeding heart in the relationship. Just once I want him to feel like I do and put it all out on the table like I do. I don't bullshit with him. Even if I know what I'm gonna say is gonna piss him off or hurt him I still tell him. I still believe in "Honesty is the best policy." I always told him if he found someone he would rather be with to call me up and tell me. Give me the chance to decide if I still want to be with him. It just pisses me off that he always accused me of cheating. He said he couldn't do it cuz his ex-wife cheated on him and took their kids to go live with her lover and he was so hurt that he couldn't do that to someone. He lied. Out and out to my face. And when I confronted him about the woman he was cheating on me with, he lied. I've learned that a man's credo is "deny deny deny." After hours of arguing and telling him what I'd heard on her voicemail he finally admitted it to me. I was so devastated! I felt like someone had taken my heart out and ran a freaking steamroller over it about 500 times! That was the moment I realized he had the power that I thought I hadn't given him. The power to hurt me. After thinking things over for a week I decided that I must've loved him enough to let the walls down so he could hurt me. I learned a valuable lesson that night. If I let him back into my heart, I would be damned if he would hurt me again. My one friend said I should've cheated on him to show him how it felt. But that would've made me no better than him. I believe to this day that if this relationship ends I can leave it with my conscience and integrity and with my head held high because I did everything in my power to make him happy. I hope he knows what he has. And if things do end I'm done. I gave my all and I don't have anymore to give. Robert, I know you will never read this but I hope you know how much I love you!