"You complete me."
Believe it or not, last night was the first time I have ever seen Jerry Maguire. I am not a Tom Cruise fan or a Renee Zellweger fan so I had no reason to really be interested in it (although I am a Cuba fan!). So I was at Robert's house last night and it was on TBS. It had just started and I was taking care of Giselle and he was sleeping and the part when they're on the elevator and the deaf couple are signing and he says to her, "You complete me." comes on. I lost it. I didn't cry, I just had a moment of clarity. Those three words meant more to that woman than "I love you" ever could. She doesn't say it, but the look on her face spoke louder than her mouth (or in her case, her hands) ever could. "I love you" is thrown around so loosely nowadays. Take for example a few years ago.
I called the sperm donor and his wife answered. At that point we were on friendly terms and we had been talking for a while. When we hung up I said "See you in a little while" (I was to drop two of the boys over there that evening). She said "I love you." I hung up thinking, it must be habit. The sad part is, it shouldn't be a habit. Saying it all the time takes the meaning out of it. Robert once asked me why I hardly say it to him. I simply said, "I don't need to. I show you." I think that is what it's all about. I understand that hearing it makes a person feel good. And I do tell him and when I say it he knows I mean it even though he says "?Segura?(Sure?) ?Positiva?(Positive?) ?Cien percento?(100 percent?)" every time after it. I laugh and nod and he smiles. (See it's times like those that makes me happy!) Showing your love can come in little ways and in ways that you don't even think about until someone asks you why you love someone. That's when you think of the time he starts your car in 5 degree weather so you don't freeze your ass off on your way to work at 5 in the morning. Or when he watches your favorite show with you even though he hates it and doesn't say a word. It's time like that that I forget all the drama and past bullshit and am just really happy to be in the moment. It's times like that that make me realize how much I love him and why.
The thing is, those other three words really struck a cord with me. Does Robert complete me or is he everything to me? I have no life other than Robert and the kids. I don't work, my friends are always busy with work and family obligations and our time together is precious and far between. Maybe I am too clingy because I have nothing else. I had a job when I first met him and I was happy. I was dating and just for the first time ever really happy. Nothing was serious it was all fun. I had a ton of friends at work and we hung out all the time on our days off. Then I started to date Robert. And while I still had the friends, I realized that he was becoming more and more part of my life because he was invited to go out with my friends. And although a lot of the time he declined (and now I know it was because he was busy dating someone else! (Damn why is hindsight always 20/20?)) he was always welcome and made to feel like one of the group. Now that I am gone from there and some of my friends are also gone or on different shifts than when we together, we don't hang. I mean, every once in a while, I'll get an email saying so and so went here and there one day, but it's not like it was. I miss having a life. I miss being Jen. I miss the wildness (man I could party it up with the best of them! Paris Hilton watch out!!!!) and the fun and just being me. Not that I'm not still me. I don't fake things. But I have pushed things down so I can be more of what society (namely Robert!) expects of a single mom around 3o.
On the other hand, I'm kinda glad that I'm not the crazy girl that used to jump up on stage at a club and let loose! I love having someone to love and hold and tell all my crazy dreams to. A lot of people say that you can talk to your kids and whatnot, but it's not the same as having someone to kiss and touch and call you and ask about your day.
We may not be at the point where Robert says "You complete me." and it might never get there the way things are going. But for now I'll take "You're here with me and I need you next to me."
I called the sperm donor and his wife answered. At that point we were on friendly terms and we had been talking for a while. When we hung up I said "See you in a little while" (I was to drop two of the boys over there that evening). She said "I love you." I hung up thinking, it must be habit. The sad part is, it shouldn't be a habit. Saying it all the time takes the meaning out of it. Robert once asked me why I hardly say it to him. I simply said, "I don't need to. I show you." I think that is what it's all about. I understand that hearing it makes a person feel good. And I do tell him and when I say it he knows I mean it even though he says "?Segura?(Sure?) ?Positiva?(Positive?) ?Cien percento?(100 percent?)" every time after it. I laugh and nod and he smiles. (See it's times like those that makes me happy!) Showing your love can come in little ways and in ways that you don't even think about until someone asks you why you love someone. That's when you think of the time he starts your car in 5 degree weather so you don't freeze your ass off on your way to work at 5 in the morning. Or when he watches your favorite show with you even though he hates it and doesn't say a word. It's time like that that I forget all the drama and past bullshit and am just really happy to be in the moment. It's times like that that make me realize how much I love him and why.
The thing is, those other three words really struck a cord with me. Does Robert complete me or is he everything to me? I have no life other than Robert and the kids. I don't work, my friends are always busy with work and family obligations and our time together is precious and far between. Maybe I am too clingy because I have nothing else. I had a job when I first met him and I was happy. I was dating and just for the first time ever really happy. Nothing was serious it was all fun. I had a ton of friends at work and we hung out all the time on our days off. Then I started to date Robert. And while I still had the friends, I realized that he was becoming more and more part of my life because he was invited to go out with my friends. And although a lot of the time he declined (and now I know it was because he was busy dating someone else! (Damn why is hindsight always 20/20?)) he was always welcome and made to feel like one of the group. Now that I am gone from there and some of my friends are also gone or on different shifts than when we together, we don't hang. I mean, every once in a while, I'll get an email saying so and so went here and there one day, but it's not like it was. I miss having a life. I miss being Jen. I miss the wildness (man I could party it up with the best of them! Paris Hilton watch out!!!!) and the fun and just being me. Not that I'm not still me. I don't fake things. But I have pushed things down so I can be more of what society (namely Robert!) expects of a single mom around 3o.
On the other hand, I'm kinda glad that I'm not the crazy girl that used to jump up on stage at a club and let loose! I love having someone to love and hold and tell all my crazy dreams to. A lot of people say that you can talk to your kids and whatnot, but it's not the same as having someone to kiss and touch and call you and ask about your day.
We may not be at the point where Robert says "You complete me." and it might never get there the way things are going. But for now I'll take "You're here with me and I need you next to me."
posted by Jen @ 1/13/2006 08:06:00 AM
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