Numb to it all...

I haven't been thinking at all. I haven't been overanalyzing anything or hashing and rehashing things over and over like I have done in the past. I think this is my way of being in denial. But at the same timeI have just been doing my thing and if Robert happens to be included and shows up that's fine. He came by yesterday to take my oldest to get his tux fitted for Robert's niece's quincenera. He stuck around for a little while and hung with the boys. I just kind of ignored him while he was here. I don't think he noticed. There hasn't been any drama lately and that's good. Of course I haven't really gone over anything with him or asked him anything. In the last 2 weeks I have seen him 4 times. My choice. My depression is just sort of taking over. I think that if I don't spend so much time with him I won't go insane wondering why he isn't paying more attention to me or whatever goes through my head when I am with him. And it also give me a chance to actually miss him. I don't spit shit out and he knows it so when I tell him I miss him, it's heartfelt.
Tomorrow is Maritza's quincenera and we will be together all day. I am actually looking forward to it. We haven't danced together in forever. That is my connection to him. I miss that. That is when I feel closest to him, when he holds me close and looks into my eyes and smiles. If that connection is gone then I have nothing. Okay, so now I'm scared. Shit. Will report back on Sunday.