So anyway...

It's been a long week. Or two. How long has it been since I've been here? It's basically the SSDD thing. Never heard back from the doctor. I'm getting desperate. I might end up at a crappy factory over in C'ville. They're the only ones hiring and they don't pay shit. So anyway, money's getting tighter. My phone will be shut off any day now. My car is dead in the drive. I'm frustrated. Dickhead said he was gonna go on disability and the feds would pay my support. Hey I don't care as long as the boys are taken care of. It just irritates me that he always gets off scott free. While the rest of us bust ass (hey! I did for years!!) he gets to sit back and collect money cuz he' s a freaking alchy. How fair is that? Actually it's more than that. He has a chemical imbalance which drives him to drink. That's what his doctors are gonna tell the feds. Man, if it were only that easy for the part of the population who follow the laws of the land and don't try to screw the govt out of money.
So anyway, here I am at home on a Friday night that Robert doesn't have to play soccer. Actually he hasn't been playing for a few weeks now that season is over. But anyway, I tried to call him to tell him I was coming by and he didn't answer. And he didn't call me back. I swear something fishy is going on. Last Friday I saw him, the Friday before I didn't. Hmmm. And then he said he worked last Saturday. He called me about 1:30 PM. Then later that night we were at his sister Mari's house watching the Mayweather/Judah fight (my boy won!!) and he said something that threw me off about a fight that one of the other guys had mentioned. He said that it was on that morning. Now you tell me. If he was at work how the hell would he know that? Since we were in front of his parents and people that we didn't know I didn't ask. As a matter of fact I didn't want to ask at all. I'm tired of him lying to me. If I don't ask he can't lie to me right? So now I'm wondering where he is. I'm getting fed up with this. If he doesn't want to be with me, then end it. He thinks I'm gonna do something shitty to him about Giselle. Sorry, the last time I checked I was a grown up. I don't play games. I keep telling him that he can end it with me if he doesn't want to be with me. I don't want him to feel like he has to be with me. I kept feeling that way when I was pregnant with her. I even went as far as leaving state and thinking of starting a new life so he would not feel like he had to be there. I think he regrets me coming back. I remember sitting at the hotel in Lawrence Kansas, a million miles from home and him calling me and telling me to come back home. When I called him at 2AM telling him I was coming back he sounded like he didn't want me to. I should've stayed. Who knows where my life could have been right now? I could've been happy. Instead I'm...I don't even know the word. I'm not miserable. I went through miserable with Asshole. I'm halfway between miserable and happy. It's like a rollercoaster. Some days I am so happy I want to burst! And other days I am so miserable I want to cry and just dump him and get it over with. I think it's mostly just depression. I'm not working therefore I am a fat lard therefore I am unattractive to men therefore I am useless to men other than my sons and daughter. Or something like that. I honestly have to work on my self esteem before Giselle gets too old. I don't want her to go down the same path I did. I want her to see her mom as a strong woman who can be happy with who she is no matter what her dating situation might be. Cuz lets face it folks. If there is one thing I know, it's that Robert is not sticking around for the long haul. I'm not exactly sure what he's waiting for. I mean, we have been together for 2 years and not once has he mentioned moving in together, getting married or anything. And he is fond of saying, you never know what's gonna happen in the future. Sure I do and it's not us!!! Well, I'm off to bed. Still no call. I have to get up early and start our Easter dinner.