You gotta be shittin' me!

I still haven't heard from him. I tried calling at his lunch hour and his voicemail picked up again. I left him a message telling him that I am actually getting scared that something bad has happened to him. So after stewing for a few minutes I went to his sister Mari's house (she lives a few blocks from me) to find out if they had heard from him. His mom was there and I asked her and she said he told her he was going camping with his friends from work. My first reaction was that I was glad he wasn't dead or in a hospital or in jail! Then it turned to rage and I excused myself saying I had to get back home. I rolled up my windows and let out this big scream of frustration. So I came back home and left another message on his machine thanking him for telling me about his little vacation. So I said that we need to talk cuz it's was kinda weird that he would tell his girlfriend that he was going away. Then I ended with "Or am I your girlfriend?" I have a bad feeling. I have a feeling it's over. I just wish I had been let in on that piece of information. So anyway, I am going to write up a document over custody and child support for Giselle and have him sign it so he doesn't have to think that he needs to be with me to be with her.
The hardest part about this is that I don't want to be without him. I love him. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I just want to explode! I am so angry and so hurt that I really don't know how to react! Now it really needs to be about me. He and I have a lot of talking to do when he comes home. I deserve answers. That's the least he could do for me.
And I just thought of something else. He had to have known by Friday that he was going because he would have had to tell his boss. So now I think he is just up to no good. It really pisses me off because I used to ask him all the time to take a day off of work so he and I could spend time together and he wouldn't do it. And there is NOOO way his boss would let more than one guy at a time take a few days off. He has a small company and each man has one specific job to do. Robert is the one always telling me that Bob would have a hard time replacing him if he quit. So I find it hard to believe that Bob would let him and his friends all take Monday and today off. And he was acting weird Sunday night when he dropped Giselle off.
Dear God, I really need your strength right now. Please make me strong and protect me from what I am sure is to come. Please give me the strength to have the dignity to hold my head up high. My Karma has already come back, Lord, and I have paid for my sins with heartache and pain. Please stand by me in my hour of need. Amen.
I just want to be happy. With or without Robert. I must be an idiot. Here is a guy who is hurting me and I still want to be with him. This cannot be normal. Why would I want to stay when I know that he has concerns for my feelings at all? I am not stupid. I know what I am worth. I know what I am capable of giving a man and what I deserve. So why am I so hopelessly in love with this man? But at the same time they say love is only love when it is honestly returned in kind. But how can I be so sure in my own feelings? The moment it hit me that I truly loved him was when I took him back after cheating on me. I have NEVER done that. That has always been the dealbreaker with me. I don't care how long I have been with someone. You cheat on me that's it. You're done. But I didn't do that with Robert. I really thought about how much he meant to me and I let him back in after alot of thought and prayers and talking to my friends. Maybe I shouldn't have. If he is cheating again I will never speak to him again. I don't deserve it again.