WTF?

So Robert went to play his last night of soccer last night. He said he would call when it was over. No call. Big shock. Not. So he says he need his overnight pass back cuz his friend's car was towed last night. This is the same friend who's wife freaks out if her husband isn't within 5 feet of her at all times. I told him straight up I don't believe him. I am no longer afraid of telling him that. For a long time I was because I didn't want to upset the apple cart. Now I just want the truth. So today he comes over and we go to Old Country Buffet cuz he's starving (apparently his other girlfriend didn't cook for him before she left!). And he's kinda acting all loveydovey and shit. I'm not buying it. He's trying to hard. Okay, I admit it that I'm freaking psycho. He's either cheating cuz he's not loveydovey or he's cheating cuz he's too loveydovey. Girls understand this better than guys. Guys don't understand that we know when there is a difference in their affection. Why do you think the only time girls really ever get caught is when it's redhanded with another guy? Cuz guys don't have that little whatever it is in the back of their head goin' "Okay, something's not right." Girls go with their gut and are probably 85% right. I don't want to be right. And another thing is that his phone was off. Another big sign. I think I am staying with him so I can actually catch him and say "I told you so!" and be the poor cheated on exgirlfriend. Man I must be a fucking idiot.
I really don't know what to do. I love him. I hate the fact that I love him. If it were less the I could just let him go and not think twice about it. I have only been dumped twice in my life. Both in my freshman year in high school. Every other guy I have ever dated I dumped because either I was bored or someone better came along. So why am I afraid to end it with Robert? It's not because we have a child together. I dumped Asshole and we have four kids togeteher. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've been alone before. So what the hell is? Is it that I feel that I'm not getting any younger? Is it because I know I have five kids and no guy wants to deal with that? I don't think it's any of those things because I have found men with those things (Except it was four kids). I don't know. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Anyway, debating whether I want to go see him tonight. We told each other we would try to spend more time with each other. Can't wait to see what his excuses are for not seeing me Fridays now that soccer is over. I think "Jonas" is gonna become a really close friend to him that he hangs out alot with. We'll see.

I've just been going on with life.

I don't hear from Robert unless I call him. I don't call so much anymore. He asked me Tuesday if I love him. I told him "with all my heart." I didn't ask him. He would say he loves me. The question is: Is he in love with me? There is a big difference. Call me Cleopatra for I am the Queen of De-Nile. So many scattered thoughts going through my head right now. If I seem to jump from one idea to the next I apologize. Am I afraid of being alone? Maybe a little. But I was alone before he came. Why does he stay? I won't die if he ends it with me. I've been preparing myself for that moment for a long time. He tells me to stop thinking that he's cheating on me. Well give me one good reason why I should. He's acting shady again. This time I am calling him on each and every move he makes. I won't sit by and let him get away with this again. I give him ample opportunities to come clean. Something's going on. I feel it in my heart. One day at a time. That's all I can do.
He came by a few nights ago to help me fix my tire and he asked me if things were okay because I didn't kiss him hello or anything. Then he started asking me all kinds of other things and says to me (Paraphrasing here folks) "This is why I don't know if we should live together." I said to him "Oh please! You don't want anything serious from me. I'm not an ididot. We've been together two years and you have never mentioned anything like that. At least not with me." My comment was met with silence. After all, what could he say? I spoke the truth.
So not much of an update. Haven't found a job. I've been working on a book I started back in '98 the last few days. It's coming along. Writing takes me away from my daily life and lets me feed my need for true love and passion and all that I wish I had. Maybe someday. But I won't hold my breath.

Not too much has been going on...

but I am taking things one day at a time. He blew me off Saturday night even though we had made plans the day before. He didn't answer his phone and then he turned it off. I'm starting to back off harder and he has noticed. He asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I said no and asked him why he would ask me that. I knew why but I wasn't gonna let him know that. He just said that I didn't seem to be making an effort in spending time with him. Yeah, this is after he blew me off. I didn't keep my cool either though when I confronted him Sunday morning when he decided to call. I didn't care. I told him if he was cheating on me to let me go. If I am not enough for him there is a man somewhere out there who I am enough for. He is insisting that he isn't cheating but my gut says otherwise. Supposedly he was with his sister on Saturday and I asked if we were still on. He was disant and vague but I blew it off. Then Sunday when he's over he says something about calling his mom cuz he hasn't talked to her all weekend. She was supposedly at his sister's house. So he obviously wasn't there. When I asked him where he really was he said he was at his sister's. I confronted him about how he blew his own cover and he still insisted he was there. Now I'm thinking maybe he was there. But maybe he didn't show up alone. His sisters all covered for him the last time he cheated on me. Who's to say they wouldn't do it again. It's frustrating. So I'm pulling away. And I am making sure it is noticeable. Let him think what he wants. I know I am a faithful person. Two years and I'm still as hot for him as I was when I met him.
I invited him over for dinner tonight. I said if you show up you do. If you don't you don't. I don't think he'll come. God forbid he make some sort of effort in this relationship. I'm tired of being the only one who works at it. He was married for 7 years. He knows it's a two way street. Maybe that's why the first chance his wife got she went and cheated on him and subsequently left him for this other guy. I'm beginning to understand her motives.

Talk about your topsy-turvy day!

Today was filled with so many crazy emotions! First I got sick again. So that wasn't much fun. Three hours of trying to keep the contents in my stomach (mostly water!) inside. Then Giselle gets sicker. She had a runny nose then a stuffy nose, then a nasty cough then nasty icky diapers that would gross out the world's strongest stomach! So I took her to the hospital. The doctor said she has an upper respitory infection. She didn't prescribe anything for it which I found rather odd. So I tried to call Robert at 4:45 to let him know what was going on, knowing he would be getting out of work around 5:15. Giselle was in and out within 45 minutes (musta been a slow day!). So I try to call again. Nothing. By now it's 5:45. And I am starting to get that same ole feeling when I get to thinking. So I decided to drive by his place. No one's home. So I think I will go past his work. It's in the next town over. 15 minutes tops. That's how long it takes him to get to work. Man, I sat in some fucked up traffic for nearly an hour and a half! I finally get close to his work when I see a car pull out. Shit! Busted! Freakin that he'll bitch about me spyin or whatnot. Whew! Not him. So I pull over and call him just in case he's gettin in his car to leave. Don't need him seein me check up on him. That's my secret. So he says he's still there and doesn't know when he's gettin out. So I went into the parking lot and sure enough his car's there. I felt instantly guilty. It's not fair. I keep saying to myself what will I say if he's not there and he says he is. What will I do? I still don't have an answer to that. So he calls at 9:20 and says he dropped off one of his coworkers at home and is on his way home. The question is, when will I finally learn to trust him again? What will it take? I want to trust him. Really I do, it's just that I feel so betrayed even more than a year later. They say it takes time, but I am still at square one. If anyone is reading this and has some experience with this sort of thing and some advice with what has helped them, PLEASE let me know!