Coming out of hiding

I'm not ready to do so, but I have to get it off my chest. He called me last Monday night. He said he didn't want to hear me bitch and what not about him being gone. He knew he was gonna hear it anyway, but whatever. So I told him I need to think about us and what is going to happen. I am going to decide. I refuse to leave it up to him. I already know what I am going to do I am just letting him stew in it like I was forced to. I will call him Thursday and end it. He has only called a few times and I have instructed all to tell him I am busy. I am still hurt and angry that he could be so inconsiderate of my feelings. So anyway, back into hiding.

No word yet

I figure he will call when he wants to see Giselle. I wrote him a letter that I will send on Monday. I know it won't matter and there is a one percent chance that I might have spoken to him by the time he gets it but I needed to do it. To let him know exactly what has been on my mind since Wednesday. If I knew how to copy and paste it (it's not in MSWord) to the blog I would. Oh well. It just hurts. I don't know how else to react. I'm angry and hurt and I am channeling an early Alanis right now. I am bitter and cynical and I don't even care anymore. I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.

It's after midnight...again!

His phone is back on. Left another message. I can't believe this. This is not normal behavior. I wish he would just call me and let me know what is going on. Bastard.

Confused as hell...

I went by his house. His car and motorcycle were there but he didn't answer the door. So whoever he is with picked him up. I tried to call from a payphone but his voicemail picked up right away again. I went by to drop a letter at his house. I basically said that the ball is in his court. Of course, I am sticking by my "It's over" but he doesn't have to know that. I want answers and if he thinks he doesn't have to explain I will never have any closure. I am so angry right now! You don't even know! So now I wait. That's the hardest part.
I hate this because I love him. This is so not fair!

Friday afternoon

I still haven't heard from him. The only reason a man stays away from his girl this long without a phone call is because he is with another woman. That is my honest opinion right now. Why wouldn't he try to call or something? I don't want to jump to conclusions but I think that is my most intelligent choice. I would never ever do anything like this! I can't believe that he would do something like this either. He lied to me. No he didn't tell me he was going but lying by omission is still lying. In fact it's worse than lying! It's deceitful and dishonest. I am going to end it with him. There is no excuse for this. I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life and into beyond. God give the strength to do this.
I hope he at least tries to get me to not end it with him. That would make me feel a little better. Like I matter. But it's over. You can't treat someone like they don't exist and think everything will be okay. I love him but I didn't deserve this.
Karma will be my friend. She will look down on me and embrace me. Revenge will be mine without having to do a thing. I will come out smelling like a rose and he will the compost that nourishes my very being. I love Karma!

I can't deal

He never called me. How can someone be so callous? I am dying inside. Why doesn't he care enough to even call? It's not fair. I have left message after message and still nothing. What excuse could he possibly have for treating me so horribly? And why do I still the jerk after all this? I don't know if I will be able to get past this. Please God give me strength. There might be another post if he answers his phone on his lunch hour. Don't hold your breath.

It's after midnight

and I still haven't heard from him. I am dying inside. I don't know what to do or to think. Why would he ignore me like this? Sure the first few messages were not very kind. But then I begin to get panicky and they became more worrisome and then they got angry again then they got sad and hopeless. What a joke. Why would he do this unless he is cheating again? Please help me. I need strength.

Well, his phone is back on. I left a message for him to call me. It's been half an hour and nothing. It's the end isn't it? God I hate being left in the dark in my own life.

You gotta be shittin' me!

I still haven't heard from him. I tried calling at his lunch hour and his voicemail picked up again. I left him a message telling him that I am actually getting scared that something bad has happened to him. So after stewing for a few minutes I went to his sister Mari's house (she lives a few blocks from me) to find out if they had heard from him. His mom was there and I asked her and she said he told her he was going camping with his friends from work. My first reaction was that I was glad he wasn't dead or in a hospital or in jail! Then it turned to rage and I excused myself saying I had to get back home. I rolled up my windows and let out this big scream of frustration. So I came back home and left another message on his machine thanking him for telling me about his little vacation. So I said that we need to talk cuz it's was kinda weird that he would tell his girlfriend that he was going away. Then I ended with "Or am I your girlfriend?" I have a bad feeling. I have a feeling it's over. I just wish I had been let in on that piece of information. So anyway, I am going to write up a document over custody and child support for Giselle and have him sign it so he doesn't have to think that he needs to be with me to be with her.
The hardest part about this is that I don't want to be without him. I love him. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I just want to explode! I am so angry and so hurt that I really don't know how to react! Now it really needs to be about me. He and I have a lot of talking to do when he comes home. I deserve answers. That's the least he could do for me.
And I just thought of something else. He had to have known by Friday that he was going because he would have had to tell his boss. So now I think he is just up to no good. It really pisses me off because I used to ask him all the time to take a day off of work so he and I could spend time together and he wouldn't do it. And there is NOOO way his boss would let more than one guy at a time take a few days off. He has a small company and each man has one specific job to do. Robert is the one always telling me that Bob would have a hard time replacing him if he quit. So I find it hard to believe that Bob would let him and his friends all take Monday and today off. And he was acting weird Sunday night when he dropped Giselle off.
Dear God, I really need your strength right now. Please make me strong and protect me from what I am sure is to come. Please give me the strength to have the dignity to hold my head up high. My Karma has already come back, Lord, and I have paid for my sins with heartache and pain. Please stand by me in my hour of need. Amen.
I just want to be happy. With or without Robert. I must be an idiot. Here is a guy who is hurting me and I still want to be with him. This cannot be normal. Why would I want to stay when I know that he has concerns for my feelings at all? I am not stupid. I know what I am worth. I know what I am capable of giving a man and what I deserve. So why am I so hopelessly in love with this man? But at the same time they say love is only love when it is honestly returned in kind. But how can I be so sure in my own feelings? The moment it hit me that I truly loved him was when I took him back after cheating on me. I have NEVER done that. That has always been the dealbreaker with me. I don't care how long I have been with someone. You cheat on me that's it. You're done. But I didn't do that with Robert. I really thought about how much he meant to me and I let him back in after alot of thought and prayers and talking to my friends. Maybe I shouldn't have. If he is cheating again I will never speak to him again. I don't deserve it again.

OOOKAAAAY...

I haven't heard from Robert at all. I star 67'd my number and tried to call but his voicemail picked up right away. So now my suspicious mind is working overtime. So I wonder where we stand. I guess I wait. I did tell him that I would wait for his call when he had time for me so I can't call him. It's pissin me off. So anyway, maybe I will have something interesting to say tomorrow.

Sorta irritated. No...I AM irritated!!!!

I haven't heard from Robert since he dropped Giselle off last night around 7pm. I always call him in the morning at 6:20 to make sure he gets up. His phone went straight to voicemail. Then I called at lunch and he didn't pick up. No biggie. Then I called after I knew he should have been home about 5:30. Nothing. I left him a message to call me when he got the message. It's nearly 10:30 and nothing. Here goes my suspicious mind again. It should be interesting if he calls me. I was supposed to go see him tonight. Fat chance that is gonna happen now. So anyway, I'm irritated. Where's the respect? If he was gonna be busy he could've called. Sure I would have been upset but that has never stopped him before from doing whatever the hell he wants. So anyway, keep ya posted.

Saturday

It was nice party. The band sucked. So the music sucked. The only time Robert and I danced was when the band took a break and they turned on the CD player. I now know I haven't lost it for him. I still feel the same connection when we dance. The rest of the night, however, is a different story. Sure he was busy. I can't deny that. He had to sit at the table with the other attendents (including my son who looked gorgeous in his zoot suit!) for dinner. Then they did the dance. Then he went and sat with his family (mostly his brother Mike who he hadn't seen in months!). So that was fine. But then he mostly igored me the rest of the night. I had to beg him to dance or I would find someone else to dance with. He laughed and pulled me to the dance floor. So after it was over I went back to his house after dropping Brandon off at home and he was asleep! After I said I was coming over to spend some time with him. I was disappointed but I didn't get upset. At least not until I got home this morning and begin to think about last night. I asked him why we don't go dancing anymore and he said because of the baby. I said "What if I get a babysitter?" He said we'd go. So I begin to think about that this morning. He keeps saying he doesn't pay enough attention to me because of the baby. He paid attention to his wife after they had a kid. Enough to knock her up again. So if she left him for another guy I don't understand why. I can understand if he paid here the attention he pays me. I felt so neglected last night. I just can't bring myself to cheat. He is so much to me. When I called him a little while I actually felt a little better. So I told him that I was coming over tomorrow night and that I craved attention from him. I have learned over the last 2 and a half years that subtlety doesn't work with him. I have to just spit out what I want and need. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.