Okay, crisis averted...(read post below)

So I just tried to call Robert again. This time I left a message: "It would really be nice if you would answer your phone so I would stop thinking so suspiciously. You've been out of work for a few hours now and I don't appreciate this." That's it. I won't call him again. Point made. I know a few guys he played soccer with don't know he's with me. He didn't tell me that, it's just something he said in a roundabout way (When he introduced himself to one of the girls that he would be playing soccer with he said he "was divorced (lie #1 ( he's still married and has a girlfriend)) and had 2 kids (lie #2 (he has 4))." Nice, eh? So he's probably out with those guys and won't answer because he isn't supposed to be with me. I think that's bullshit. The guy who doesn't want him to be with me thinks I'm not pretty enough for him. Whatever dude! He thought I was hot enough to approach me in a club and tell me exactly what he thought of me! So fuck you! But for him to play into it really pisses me off. It will be interesting to see what his excuse is why he didn't call me. And he has been seeing me basically every other Friday, I did the math. The things that make you go hmmmm. Don't stay with me for the baby. That's the one thing I want him to know. I deserve better. I've dumped better.

All in all a good few days...

Yesterday was Mom's birthday. Robert came by and we barbequed chicken and arrencheras. It was a good meal. And it was wonderful spending time with him. He spent more time with the boys last night than Dickhead has in the last 6 months. Speaking of Dickhead, he isn't answering his phone. Big shock. God forbid he spends time with his kids. So anyway, I am to go see Robert tonight. I have yet to hear from him even though he got off at quarter after five. I hate when he doesnt' answer his phone. If he tells me he was with Jonas I am gonna scream! It seems he is with someone every other Friday. Hmmm...not jumping to conclusions, not jumping to conclusions, not jumping to conclusions...Who the fuck am I kidding? Yes I am.
Okay, gotta go. Brett just locked himself in the bathroom because no one will play soldiers with him. I told him to stop cheating and people will want to play.

A good day

Today was a good day. Got a lot done. Didn't find a job yet. Walked for 45 minutes pushing the baby in her stroller. Went up one good hill. I just need to remember to wear better shoes. My feet still hurt 2 hours later!
Checked my email and got a good one from Kelly: http://mis-group.com/funny/drunk/help_the_drunk_get_home.php. It's addictive!

Easter and an Angel

This is my angel on Easter Sunday. I can't believe how beautiful she is! Every day I thank God for her! Had a fairly good weekend. Made Easter dinner on Saturday because Dickhead was supposed to take the boys Sunday after church. Ham, garlic and herb pork roast (my oldest son detests ham!), salad with homemade dressings: bleu cheese, ranch (didn't turn out very good!) and thousand island, twice baked potatoes (a staple at every holiay meal in our house!), quesadillas, tortillas con frijoles, deviled eggs, green beans, and bunny cake. The bunny cake has been a tradition in our family since my mom was a kid. We have made it every year unfailing. Cakes from when the boys were young included gumdrop faces and twizzler whiskers being put everywhere that there was free space. I wish I had pictures! So the tradition continues. I didn't get a finished bunny cake picture because I ran out of room on my camera and by the time I got the pictures onto the hard drive, the greedy little gluttons had already hacked away at it! Needless to say, Easter was good. Dickhead didn't take the boys because there was just soooo much going on. Asshole. I hope the boys don't treat their children like their father treats them.

Spent last night with Robert. It was nice. I showed him Giselle's site. He likes it. He had me email the address to everyone he knows. He is soooo proud of her! Having alone time with him was nice. It had been awhile since I had been over there. I saw him Saturday as he was invited to dinner. He is so good with the boys. Much better than their father. That's sad. Anyway, things seem to be looking up. Still no job. But at least my head is in a better place! At least for the moment. Take each day a minute at a time!

So anyway...

It's been a long week. Or two. How long has it been since I've been here? It's basically the SSDD thing. Never heard back from the doctor. I'm getting desperate. I might end up at a crappy factory over in C'ville. They're the only ones hiring and they don't pay shit. So anyway, money's getting tighter. My phone will be shut off any day now. My car is dead in the drive. I'm frustrated. Dickhead said he was gonna go on disability and the feds would pay my support. Hey I don't care as long as the boys are taken care of. It just irritates me that he always gets off scott free. While the rest of us bust ass (hey! I did for years!!) he gets to sit back and collect money cuz he' s a freaking alchy. How fair is that? Actually it's more than that. He has a chemical imbalance which drives him to drink. That's what his doctors are gonna tell the feds. Man, if it were only that easy for the part of the population who follow the laws of the land and don't try to screw the govt out of money.
So anyway, here I am at home on a Friday night that Robert doesn't have to play soccer. Actually he hasn't been playing for a few weeks now that season is over. But anyway, I tried to call him to tell him I was coming by and he didn't answer. And he didn't call me back. I swear something fishy is going on. Last Friday I saw him, the Friday before I didn't. Hmmm. And then he said he worked last Saturday. He called me about 1:30 PM. Then later that night we were at his sister Mari's house watching the Mayweather/Judah fight (my boy won!!) and he said something that threw me off about a fight that one of the other guys had mentioned. He said that it was on that morning. Now you tell me. If he was at work how the hell would he know that? Since we were in front of his parents and people that we didn't know I didn't ask. As a matter of fact I didn't want to ask at all. I'm tired of him lying to me. If I don't ask he can't lie to me right? So now I'm wondering where he is. I'm getting fed up with this. If he doesn't want to be with me, then end it. He thinks I'm gonna do something shitty to him about Giselle. Sorry, the last time I checked I was a grown up. I don't play games. I keep telling him that he can end it with me if he doesn't want to be with me. I don't want him to feel like he has to be with me. I kept feeling that way when I was pregnant with her. I even went as far as leaving state and thinking of starting a new life so he would not feel like he had to be there. I think he regrets me coming back. I remember sitting at the hotel in Lawrence Kansas, a million miles from home and him calling me and telling me to come back home. When I called him at 2AM telling him I was coming back he sounded like he didn't want me to. I should've stayed. Who knows where my life could have been right now? I could've been happy. Instead I'm...I don't even know the word. I'm not miserable. I went through miserable with Asshole. I'm halfway between miserable and happy. It's like a rollercoaster. Some days I am so happy I want to burst! And other days I am so miserable I want to cry and just dump him and get it over with. I think it's mostly just depression. I'm not working therefore I am a fat lard therefore I am unattractive to men therefore I am useless to men other than my sons and daughter. Or something like that. I honestly have to work on my self esteem before Giselle gets too old. I don't want her to go down the same path I did. I want her to see her mom as a strong woman who can be happy with who she is no matter what her dating situation might be. Cuz lets face it folks. If there is one thing I know, it's that Robert is not sticking around for the long haul. I'm not exactly sure what he's waiting for. I mean, we have been together for 2 years and not once has he mentioned moving in together, getting married or anything. And he is fond of saying, you never know what's gonna happen in the future. Sure I do and it's not us!!! Well, I'm off to bed. Still no call. I have to get up early and start our Easter dinner.

Just when I didn't think life could get any worse...

Okay, so I get a phone call at 9:30 this morning from a doctor to come in for an interview. I get there 20 minutes early to show responsibility (there is NO ONE in this place but a few patients), I fill out the application and wait. So the doctor is the one who greeted me. I assumed as much but wasn't really sure. So after he gets teh patients taken care of he leads me to his office and the interview begins. It goes allright despite two interruptions. So then he says "It's a salaried position, I can't offer insurance because with just the two of us it wouldn't be practical." Then he proceeds to show me what I would be doing. Working some machinery, and yada yada yada. So then he says the hours, still going okay although I would be basically busting ass all day long at 10 and a half hours a day. Still, I enjoy being busy. The kicker is what comes next. He says to me "Well I have a few more applicants and if I still think you're right for the job I will call you in for a second interview." Apparently he hasn't done this before. All the things he did is what you do for someone who is getting the job. The first time he left the office during the interview I asked God to give me this job. After he told me the benefits and pay and such he was pulled out again and I thanked God for giving me this job. Then it all gets dashed to hell. Why? I am horrible at interviews. But I have to remember each one is a learning tool. I'm tired of learning tools. I want a fucking job! I'm tired of being broke. I know I had to have done something right if he had shown me what I was to do. But for the life of me I don't know what. I was so tempted to tell him I could start right then and cancel the other interview for him. Would that have been appropriate? I didn't think so either. But it might have shown something. I am so depressed right now. I went to Monster and those dumbasses still keep offering me jobs I have no skills in. They keep giving me stuff like "Management for a small manufacturing company" or "Install airconditioners for AAA Co" and shit I'm not even qualified for! What the hell are they doing there? Is one person trying to singlehandedly create chaos for the place? If he/she is, it's working from where I am sitting from. So now it's back to the streets, and the paper and the net. Maybe I shouldn't have quit the job from hell. Well, it doesn't matter, I would have been fired by now anyway. No one I worked with is still there. Except maybe one girl. But I doubt it. She was his whipping board for awhile and I hope she got out of there in a hurry.

Redneck trash (and he's damned proud of it!)

Dickhead called me back today. I called him yesterday to tell him I needed childsupport to feed the kids cuz we were out of food. He told me he was having too much fun to care and to call back tomorrow (today). Man I was pissed! So he calls back today and I am the wonderful sweet exgirlfriend (I am totally being sarcastic by the way!) He says he ran away from home (yes, he really did say that!) and that he didn't know when he was coming back. Hopefully never. But he said he would wire me money. So then he starts telling me how much his life sucks, blah blah blah. I aske him how much Wild Turkey has he had to drink? He said he's almost finished the bottle. Big surprise. Then he said to me "Why don't you leave Robert and be with me?" I nearly choked! So I said "I would rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil than be with you!" Thinking that would be the end of it he says "But why did you leave me?" Oh so many ways to handle this one! I went the way of salt, whiskey and bleach in an open wound type way! "Cuz you were a loser. You were more worried about sleeping around and partying and your friends, when you should have been at home taking care of your family." Silence. And I mean a long silence. I thought he had hung up. Then the Glutton for Punishment asks me "Were you ever happy?" "Yes." I answered. Then I was silent for a moment. "When I thought you had given yourself alcohol poisoning and were dead." No shit. That was one of the best moments of my life! Here I thought God had finally had enough with Shit For Brains and his bullshit and finally just put him out of my misery. No such luck. He says "That was harsh." "So was living with you." "Did you ever love me?" "I thought I did. I was wrong. I now know what love is. So no. I never loved you." "I married 'Halfwit' to make you jealous." "Ooohhh, you're bad. Can't win 'em all, huh?" "Why are you being so mean to me?" "Cuz you put me through 9 years of hell. How am I supposed to be towards you?" "You're the mother of my kids and I love you." "Get over it. I can't stomach the thought of you. And that 'mother of my kids' stuff is bullshit. You're the sperm donor to my sons and I hate you." Long long silence. "Okay, well, I'll wire you the money."

Man, if QuarterBrain were smart (and she isn't, really, she's not!) she'd file divorce papers, get her ass to Public Aid and Housing and have it made. Maybe, just maybe he'd stay in Gary,IN and I would never have to deal with him again. Of course, that would mean she would have to use the few braincells she has, and I don't think she has the capacity to do that.

God I would love to call her and tell her where he is. But that would mean I would have to listen to her whine and complain about all the terrible things he's done to her. I should feel sorry for her. A kinship, if you will. But I don't. Only because I warned her. I told her what a loser he was. But the Dumbass that she is she still married him and procreated with him. (On that second one I can't really say anything. At least for the first two boys. When I was pregnant with the second was when I really realized that I was miserable. But I was afraid to leave. I never gave it up willingly again to him.) Okay, anyway...so now I won't have to see him until he comes home. And he will. When he wants a piece of ass he doesn't have to pay for. Or that isn't related to him. And trust me. Neither of those options are below him. He is, after all, "a proud redneck." And he has the Tshirt to prove it.

I am so freakin' frustrated!

Tonight Robert and I were to go to a party at one of his friend's cousin's house. When we get into Palatine and call the guy up to get exact directions he says that they're leaving, party's over. Fine, whatever. So Robert and I go to dinner and have some much needed alone time. It was great! So we go pick up the baby from his sister and when we get back to his place and I put her to bed. So then I tell him I need something from him and I get the lame ass excuse that he's tired. I'm like "You're kidding right?" He says he's not. It's been like almost a week. Gees, he used to be all over me. Then he began to date someone else and it backed off. Alot. Then we get together just us and it's gone. I always tell him when I need it but he doesn't do a damn thing about it. It's like my needs don't matter. He tells me that we'll get busy tomorrow night. I have a feeling that he is going to go out with his cousin tomorrow and I'm not invited.
Anyway, I had this weird dream on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. It was very detailed and that's probably why I remember it still. I dreamt that he was seeing an ex-girlfriend from HS and me at the same time. In real life he keeps running into her family members. So anyway, he says to me in the dream that he has to keep his options open. In the dream even my mom knows. And also my dream very specificallly said that this has been going on since October 18. That is the part that won't leave my head. I don't know how to ask him what that date means to him. Part of me wonders if God was telling me something. Please don't laugh at that last statement. I mean, it's a date that has no significance to me whatsoever. So why would it pop up in my dream? Someone is trying to tell me something. I want to ask him face to face. Body language is everything to me. I don't know. I think it's pretty messed up. But the feeling that I need to know the truth about that day won't go away. I'm tired of ignoring my gut. When I see him next I will ask him. Maybe for once I will get the truth out of him.