Do I have to have a title every time?!?

I spent the night at Robert's last night. Mom wasn't very happy about it but I said "What! It's not like we can have sex or anything!" She didn't like my sarcasm. But it had been nearly a week since I stayed there and 4 days since I've seen him. When I got there he hugged me very close to him. Part of me was relieved. Part of me thought maybe he has figured out how to throw me off track and not think he's cheating on me. Jeez am I a pessimist or what?!?! It was a little strange being over there. I spent the night next to Giselle, listening to him lightly snore. I couldn't sleep for I had too much going on in my head. I kept thinking to myself "Is this worth it?" and "Can I really not be with him and be okay?" I also kept thinking that by the time Giselle is a year old we won't be together anymore. Maybe by then my self esteem will be better and things will look up for me and I won't care so much. Who knows!
Anyway, I'm gonna try to get a few pictures uploaded here so catch ya later!

So what do I do?

Now I am more confused than ever. I invited Robert over today cuz neither of us had anything to do and he didn't come by. Now I know this sounds stupid but I am tired of feeling like I am the only one actually trying to make this relationship work. Why can't he just come right out and say that he doesn't want anything to do with me? He can't honestly believe that I would keep Giselle from him. Dickhead is a terrible father and I don't keep the kids from him! So why does Robert think that I would do that to him? (After a long pause...)Oh, right. The money. He thinks I'm gonna screw him over financially. I'm not gonna bother. His wife will do a good job of that. Besides, I'm doing okay without his help. I knew I should've stayed in Lawrence. Maybe I will do it again when taxes come back again. This time I won't let anyone stop me or ask me to come back. Not that Robert will. Dickhead definately will. Maybe I will disconnect my phone right before I go. I don't know. Robert seems like he will be a good dad. I mean, I haven't ever seen him with his kids. He hasn't bothered to try and see them. Maybe that is part of the problem.
And this is all emotionally hard on me cuz on the first of December it will have been a year since I got that fateful phone call saying that he was seeing someone else. I'm a fucking wreck and I know it is no longer post partum. It is totally because of him. Y'know, the other night he asked me why I love him. I was totally honest and said I didn't know why. But I know I do. I don't question my feelings I just go with them. When I asked him the same question he said he couldn't explain it either but he knew he had strong feelings for me and they don't just go away. Well maybe they don't just go away. Maybe they went away when he started to date Gaby last year. Or maybe when he thought he should move her and her daughters in with him. Or maybe when he broke up with me a million times last year to be with her. Part of me wonders why I went back to him. He told me to follow my heart. Maybe I should've followed my head. It was what let me see all the signs. My heart let me ignore them. Man am I an idiot!!!!!

Second Thanksgiving

It went without a hitch! The food was excellent! I didn't get a standing O from Robert but he did say it was all really good! And now he can't tell me that I can't cook cuz I think I have probably proven him wrong! I think for Xmas dinner I will add Enchiladas to the menu cuz they are his favorite food. That way he knows I made something especially for him! Anyway, yesterday was good and I have to tell the whole world that I am thankful for my parents, my kids, my family, my health and Robert.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. At least for me. I spent the night at Robert's last night with Giselle and this afternoon we went to his sister Maribel's house for dinner. We had only been there about an hour and a half when Dickhead called and said come get the boys. He said yesterday to pick them up between 6 and 7 and it wasnt' even 4 when he called. I was pissed cuz when I told him that he said he didn't say that. He then said he and his wife had plans for dinner. When I picked the boys up they said that he lied cuz their stepmom was tired of them. What pisses me off about that is she knew he had kids when they were dating. If she didn't want to have stepchildren she shouldn't have married him. Fucking bitch! She treats the boys like shit and Dickhead backs her up all the time without hearing their side. Maybe I will just not let them go over there for awhile. It's not punishment for him but it will let the kids get a break from her which I think they need. He also said he was only gonna take two at a time again. Pretty sad when you can't deal with your own kids. I do it everyday with an infant as well! Those two are nothing but ASSHOLES!
Tomarrow is our Thanksgiving. Robert is coming over tomorrow afternoon for dinner. He always teases me that I can't cook. Considering we don't live together and I don't ever get a chance to cook for him he really doesn't know. But he'll see tomorrow that I can cook better than anyone he knows! I'm throwing a real gourmet feast! Turkey with apple-sage stuffing, tarragon green beans, twice baked potatoes with cheese, salad with tomato and tarragon dressing, homemade bread, and three kinds of pie: French Silk, Pumpkin and Apple. Maybe after tomorrow he'll never make fun of me again!
But anyway, I had a great time with Robert. We went out for last night and went back to his place to watch TV. Then went to bed about 10:30. Giselle slept all night for the first time! Hopefully it won't be the last time! When she woke up, Robert woke up with her and let me sleep! I was so thankful. Then we lounged around til we had to get ready to go at 1:30. It was really nice! I wish everyday was like that! I wish he wished everyday was like that! I really love him. I don't know why. With all the drama between us I really don't know why but I refuse to question it! My heart soars when I'm with him or even when I just think about him! I must be insane! That's okay thought! It's a nice insane! Anyway, gonna go read a few blogs. 'Til...

So now what?

This week has been full of ups and downs. Last Saturday I was supposed to go to Robert's sister Lisa's for his birthday. He basically said to me he didn't want all of us there. Here I'm thinking "Then what the fuck are you doing dating a single mom if you don't want to deal with her kids?" Then the next day he comes over and spends the entire day with the boys. I must be on crack or something or still severely depressed cuz everything still sets me off. This week went by fairly quickly.
Friday night is Robert's soccer night and I thought he was finally gonna "allow" us to go. See, he hasn't told his co-workers about the baby. Why I don't know. He says he doesn't know why. I know it's not cuz he cheating at work. He works with all men. It's like he's embarrassed. So anyway, he plays with his co-workers on a league and I didn't have the boys (I still can't believe Dickhead took them all!) that night so I thought for sure we would be able to go to the game. He left us at home. And didn't come home til nearly 2 am. I was livid! I never get to spend any real time with him and the one night I can stay as long as I want he doesn't even bother to come home at a decent hour! So then Saturday night I go over there and all he wanted was something sexual from me. I gave in easily. Gotta keep my man happy right? Then he's supposed to come over today and he doesn't show up. He doesn't even call! And he doesn't pick up his phone. He finally called me at 8:30 tonight with the lame excuse he was at his sister's. I remember those excuses from when he was cheating on me. Still not sure if I buy it. My gut is all over the place with this one. Last year I was right and didn't trust my gut. What if I'm right again? Then what? How's the saying go? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." He tells me he won't cheat because he won't make the same mistake twice. Yeah, right. I keep trying to give him his out by saying don't be with me just for the baby. He says he wants to be with me but his actions and words say something different. Unfortunately for me, I love that asshole.

Can He Be Serious?

I told Robert tonight that I didn't think we would last too much longer and NOT because I was the one who wanted to end it. He said that I was wrong and that he loved me and the baby. It's not his love for Giselle that I'm questioning. He knows that. I think I'm definately suffering from post partum depression. I am stuck in the house with nothing to do but housework and taking care of the baby. I miss working and going out and having fun. I know I probably sound spoiled or whatever but I'm not used to being home at all. And even when I go to the store my ma is calling me checking on me! For God's sake, I'm not 13! I'm an adult! This sucks! He said I trapped him by getting pregnant on purpose. How can that be when he is the one free to go do whatever the hell he wants and I'm at home tending to his daughter night and day?!? Nice try babe! If anyone is trapped it is I. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about taking care of Giselle, cuz I truly love being a mom to her. But it pisses me off when he says he was the one who was trapped. I haven't asked him for a damn thing. Everything he has done for her has been of his own doing. Part of me wishes I had never left Kansas. Maybe things would've worked out for me there. But NOOOOO! I had to love him and miss him and come back to him! Man was I stupid! But I can't deny that I do love Robert very much! I have never felt this way about anyone! And I made the mistake of telling him that. Which means he knows he can play me like a fiddle with no hesitation. I hate that I gave him that power but I don't know how to get it back and keep the relationship in tact. It's times like this that I wish I had Dr. Phil on speed dial! He'd know what to do! And he would help me learn to trust Robert again. And THAT is what I want more than anything in the world! Until...

Just Bored

I know I really shouldn't fill this up when I have nothing to say. I was just looking at more blogs. I didn't these existed and I was afraid someone would find my journal. So I tossed it today right before the garbage truck came. You wouldn't believe some of the stupid stuff I did and wrote about! Couldn't have anyone find that! But now I just live your average suburban life. I don't know if I would even want to go back to the old days of clubbing and partying. Getting drunk and macking on unknown guys. While it seemed fun at the time, I think I have grown up a little since then and the quiet life doesn't seem so bad. Besides, if I really wanted to go clubbing all I would have to do is ask Robert. He loves it as much as I do! Okay, enough of the nothing. Maybe something interesting will happen today. If so, I'll be back but don't hold your breath!!!

Very Interesting

I just spent the last 3 hours looking at the site and reading some of the blogs. It's nice to see that I'm not the only boring person here! But I can't believe all the pornographic stories that kept popping up! Some of the titles made me blush and I'm hardly a prude! I did see a few that I would like to read on a continued basis. One just cuz the guy was super hot! Anyway, I think I will really enjoy this site. Well, good night!

The Answer

Okay. So I didn't exactly get an answer. But I do feel a little better. Maybe I am suffering from post partum depression. Who knows. But Robert and I spent a few hours together today before he went into work and everything seemed okay. I once again told him I was okay with the way things are between us. He said it was because I was afraid to lose my freedom. What freedom? I'm basically another child in this house because I have to ask permission to go anywhere if I leave even one child at home. How can that be considered freedom? That's what I told him. I don't think he wants anything from me because of the Deadbeat. He doesn't really keep up his end financially and I think that is what keeps Robert from pursuing anything. He doesn't want to pay for kids that aren't his. Especially when he will have his own to pay for when the divorce is finalized. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Who knows. But as I said, I do feel better about things. At least today. Maybe tomorrow I won't. Until whenever...

Men

I don't understand them. I'm confused by Robert's behavior. I can't even understand where it started tonight. All I know is that I now really have the feeling that he was only with me because I was pregnant. And I think he thinks that if he ends it with me I will really screw him. I'm going over to his house in a little while and I'm going to confront him about this. I love him. He doesn't get that. If he doesn't want to be with me then he should stop wasting my time. I am too old for this crap. If he doesn't want to be in an adult relationship he should go date someone younger. I want someone who really truly wants to be with me. Not tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I want the truth. Why can't he just be honest for once? We have been through so much for him to do this to me. I'm a big girl now. I can handle it...I think.
The thing that really bothers me is that only 2 hours before he said that he wanted to see me and the baby and blah blah blah. And I bought it. Then he says it sure is costing a fortune to see his daughter and maybe he should keep receipts for when I turn into a bitch. I have never given him any reason to think that I would be like that. I'm not even like that with the Deadbeat. Gonna go. Will write more later.

An Introduction

My name is Jennifer and I'm a first timer so please go easy on me! My life isn't that exciting or fabulous or any of the things I thought it would be when I was young and full of crazy dreams.
I'm 30...ish. I have 5 kids. Brandon, 14, Blake, 12, Bradley, 10, Brett, 9 and Giselle, one week. Yeah, I know, what was I thinking? I'm am now unemployed but even when I did have a job I couldn't afford to move out of my mother's house. So I'm a single mom with no job and live off my mother. How pathetic is that? But I refuse to go on welfare! I'm adamant about it because I have always looked down on those who were healthy and able to work but were just too damn lazy to get off their asses and work. Even McDonald's hires. There are no excuses.
I do plan, however to go back to work in January. I had a job I absolutely loved in international sales for a small company. Unfortunately, the boss was seriously bi-polar and called people stupid and worthless and liars at the drop of a hat. I was among those people and being pregnant at the time, I decided that environment was not for me. So I quit. I had no qualms about it until I realized that now I really am a pathetic person. At least before I had a job.
This is not how I envisioned my life when I was in high school. I was in honors classes with a dream to go to college and study French and become an interpreter for the US Embassy. Then, in a whirlwind, came my sons' father.
Now HE was a total loser but at 17 all I cared about was that he had a car. I didn't care that he drank and smoked pot as long as he took me where I wanted to go when I wanted to go there. Seven months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant. I was okay with it. I wasn't in school anymore but college could wait right? He, on the other hand, didn't even really acknowledge it. We were living together by then, in seedy motels or whatever he could afford at the time when he had his beer bought and paid for. I was miserable, but I thought the baby should be raised by 2 parents. Hey, give me a break! I was only 18. And stuck on stupid for 8 more years. We had four sons together and he is still a deadbeat. He wants to be friends with me now even though he physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me all that time. Maybe he has forgotten, but I sure as hell haven't.
Anyway, after leaving him, I came to my mother's with the plan to leave in 2 years. I had a good job but didn't make enough money to support my family. Their father never paid me child support despite the fact that I took him to court countless times. I kept hoping the fear of jail would make him pay up. It didn't and the state never held up their end by putting him in jail for back child support. The jails were filled up.
So 2 years after leaving him and giving up hope of ever finding a life of my own and a little happiness, a great guy comes into my life. He was my best friend's brother. The funny thing is in high school we were so mean to each other and had you told me that ten years later we would be dating I would have laughed! That lasted about a year and half. I ended it with him because he seemed to be more interested in my boys than in me (and I don't mean that in a Michael Jackson sort of way). In hindsight, maybe that wasn't a bad thing.
I started to date a little more, and was more careful about the guys I would accept dates from. I had a whirlwind romance and was actually engaged to one man. Things seemed to be looking up until one day he confessed to cheating on me with his ex-wife. That was my one rule. You don't cheat on me. I ended it immediately.
So then some friends from work invited me to a club in town and I went. I was still a little crazy and not to discretionary but I met the most amazing guy. It was lust at first sight, on both our parts apparently. Things got heavy really quickly and before I knew it I was crazy head over heels in love with Robert. I had never felt this way about anyone in my entire life! Then one day last December I got a phone call I will never forget. Another woman called me and asked me about my relationship with Robert. I told her we'd been dating for nearly a year. That's when she proceeded to tell me she'd been dating him on and off for five months and that we had actually met in a club. She had come up to us a few months before and was really nasty to Robert in a way that I didn't quite catch. He explained to me at the time that she was someone that he had talked to one of the few times we had broken up. I bought it, hook line and sinker. Especially when he introduced me as his fiancee. That was new to me considering we hadn't even discussed marriage. I was confused that night, but let it go. Until that fateful December night.
So we talked. Forever it seemed. I was so angry with him because he always said he could never cheat because his ex-wife had cheated on him and it really hurt him and he didn't want to do that to anyone. I was also really hurt. At first, when I confronted him he denied it. He had a lot of nerve because I heard proof on her voicemail and where her car had been parked the night before in his driveway because of the fresh snow. There were tons of other signs but I blew them off as paranoia. So after a week of talking to her (and to this day I don't know why I did that) I talked to him. I mean, really talked to him. He told me to follow my heart. If I didn't want to see him he'd walk out of my life and never bother me again. I sat on that for a few days and called him. I told him I loved him. I mean completely over the moon, fireworks in the sky, loved him. I had never felt that way about anyone in my life and I didn't know if I would ever find that kind of love again. I gave him another chance. Two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to death to tell him. I was afraid he would think I trapped him. I didn't honestly! I was on the Pill. I took it religously. It was the antibiotic I took for my flu that did it.
He kept on insisting I had done it on purpose. I vehemently denied it. Here I am 30ish and my youngest son is 8. Why the hell would I do something stupid like that? So to prove to him that I really didn't need anything from him I dropped my sons off with the deadbeat and ran away to Kansas. 800 miles from home. He called me later that night and asked me to come over. I told him that it wasn't possible then explained why. He then told me to come home. To this day I'm not sure if he really wanted me to or not. But I came back. Part of me regrets it only for the fact that I still don't know where I fit in his life. He doesn't share his feelings with me, he doesn't speak of any kind of future together, nothing. I told him a day at a time works for me but it doesn't. I want the future I envisioned as a teenager. Maybe someday.