Numb to it all...

I haven't been thinking at all. I haven't been overanalyzing anything or hashing and rehashing things over and over like I have done in the past. I think this is my way of being in denial. But at the same timeI have just been doing my thing and if Robert happens to be included and shows up that's fine. He came by yesterday to take my oldest to get his tux fitted for Robert's niece's quincenera. He stuck around for a little while and hung with the boys. I just kind of ignored him while he was here. I don't think he noticed. There hasn't been any drama lately and that's good. Of course I haven't really gone over anything with him or asked him anything. In the last 2 weeks I have seen him 4 times. My choice. My depression is just sort of taking over. I think that if I don't spend so much time with him I won't go insane wondering why he isn't paying more attention to me or whatever goes through my head when I am with him. And it also give me a chance to actually miss him. I don't spit shit out and he knows it so when I tell him I miss him, it's heartfelt.
Tomorrow is Maritza's quincenera and we will be together all day. I am actually looking forward to it. We haven't danced together in forever. That is my connection to him. I miss that. That is when I feel closest to him, when he holds me close and looks into my eyes and smiles. If that connection is gone then I have nothing. Okay, so now I'm scared. Shit. Will report back on Sunday.

Smile!

I am at a good place right now. I feel at peace with myself even though I have not seen Robert since Friday night. I probably won't see him for a few more days and that is actually okay with me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder I expect. The last few days when I have begun to get anxious wondering where he is, what he's up to, etc. I just tell myself that God is looking out for me and wouldn't put anything on my plate that I can't handle.
Anyway, Giselle is now officially mobile. I wish I could put video on her blog site so everyone could see! She was so cute last night when she finally did it. She got this big goofy grin on her face and just took off and hasn't stopped! My angel!

Things are just going along

Nothing to "report" today. Things are actually okay. I have been sorta been avoiding Robert. I went over Monday night and he came by Tuesday night for an hour and I haven't seen him since. I have called him a few times, he's called me a few times. But I don't feel like I'm at the end of a relationship. I think taking some time for me has helped even if it's only been 2 weeks. We haven't fought and I am not constantly wondering where he is if he's not with me. I think this is what I've needed. I think that maybe in a few weeks I will be really ready to start fresh with Robert. I know I will never forget that he cheated on me but I think I will be able to completely forgive him. I thought I had, but after doing some soulsearching and going to church and praying, I realized that I hadn't. Not completely. I'm ready now. To love him completely and fully. Something I haven't been able to do in more than a year. I decided it's time to either commit or quit. I want to commit. One hundred percent.

Finding myself despite myself

The talk went well. I told Robert that I need to find myself to make myself happy before I could make him happy. He agreed with me and said he loved me despite of my apparent bouts of irratonality (Is that even a word?) Anyway, I am still taking things one day at a time and have decided to do more things for me and fit him in when I need to. I told him this and told him that in no way did it mean that I would ignore him or blow him off but I needed to find me again. Not the crazy party girl me cuz that is WAY over, but the me who had standards and dignity and was okay with who I was and could be alone and still be happy. That woman is in me somewhere and she needs to come back. That is who he fell in love with to begin with right? I was outgoing and carefree and did whatever I pleased without worrying what he thought and now I am submissive and constantly trying to please him without regard for myself. If I end up not being with him after "finding" myself, I will be okay because that is who I was at one time. I could live without a man. The only difference is now I don't want to live without him. I guess in a way I have grown in this relationship. But I will only take it one day at a time. I love him. That is what is important. I need to be happy. Whether with him or without him.

I'm baaa-aaack!

I had a total computer meltdown! Okay, I'm exaggerating. I had to have a part replaced in my computer. So it's been gone for 8 whole days! And in those 8 days nothing has really changed. Still don't have a job, still with Robert (but that might end soon), kids are still driving me nuts and I had to put my cat down that I have had since I was 14.
Anyway, my suspicions are really running deep and nowI am deciding if I want to stay in this relationship or not. Robert is coming over tonight and we are going to talk. I'm scared that I might lose him. I'm beginning to be more afraid that I have lost myself.

Why people? Why???

I went to a job interview this morning. I was stoked! Turns out I am not even close to qualified for this position! I used a quarter of a gallon of gas to get to this place and it seems that they made a mistake! A mistake? It might be a small inconvience to you, but to me that is valuable gas and precious time! Idiots! I'm so frustrated! I have NEVER had a problem getting a job! And now that my kids are nearly starving to death I am getting fucking desperate! I have been putting off welfare for so long. Nine years to be exact. I really don't want to have to do that. Maybe the place I used to work is hiring. I think I will check into that. But with gas prices, it will be a bitch! I don't know.