A wonderful Sunday morning

Church was beautiful. I have forgotten how much I actually like it! The boys went to their church and I went with the baby to mine. It has changed. Not physically, but the way things are done. It was a good change and when I am more comfortable it will be a change I am willing to participate in. I saw two people I remember from when I was growing up. They didn't remember me but that is okay. It has been 20 years since I was there last!!!!!! Giselle did okay in the nursery. She was crying when I got there, but Missy (the nursery worker) said she hadn't been crying for very long. I made her a bottle and she calmed down.
I will definately be going back from now on. It's a little weird, but it had the same feeling that I remember from being a girl. I think it will bring some much needed peace.
I talked to Robert this morning. He asked me why I left him the text message about needing some attention from him. I told him about my promise to myself that I wouldn't go to bed angry and that was the only way to reach him. I also felt better today. I think going to church was very good for me.
I came home to the smell of pot roast cooking in the crockpot! Can't beat that! The kids should be home soon and Gale will be calling to be picked up and hopefully Robert will come by. I won't hold my breath on that last one! I really want him to come over.
I got my W2's back so by the end of the week I won't be broke anymore. I hope to have a job too by the end of the week.
I got into a nasty argument with Dickhead's wife yesterday. I had one of the kids call to see if they were going this weekend and she told him to put me on the phone. She was all "why are you putting the kids in the middle of this?" I told her I didn't want to deal with them anymore and there was no reason why the boys couldn't call to find out if their dad wants to see them. Then it escalated into he's in the hospital (again?) and can't pay you. Yeah, right. He was "out" a few days ago and now he's back? Bull! Then she said that they were flat broke and wasn't sure when he could pay me. Then it escalated about why he hasn't bothered to find another job if this one isn't paying him like it should. Then she tried saying that she was the only one able to push him to be a better person. Like it was an attack on me. I blew it off. Remember, I'm the one that left him cuz he wanted to be a loser all his life. I just said to her when we were together there was always someone working and we didn't worry about getting the bills paid and the kids were taken care of . I left it at that. She can have that freaking loser! I don't miss him at all! He is still a drunk and a jerk and selfish! Nope! I'm WAY better off without him! Maybe one day she'll realize that she is too. Anyway, barring any crazy happenings around here, I probably won't post til tomorrow! I hope I get a job call back!!!!! Wish me luck!

It was an okay day today.

Spent the day with Robert and the kids. We went grocery shopping and hung out at his house. Made tacos and rice. Was a boring day. No drama. I did get a little irritated him before I left because I told him I wanted to come back because I needed some attention from him. He told me no. I was shocked! I just sent him a text message because he's not answering his phone. Hmmmmmm...back in the bad place. I had been trying each day to make things better in my head about him and our past. It has been slow goings but now I'm at a standstill. It's like I ran into a brick wall and looking up, trying to figure out how to climb over it.
I'm going to church tomorrow for the first time in a very long time. I think I need to bring some peace into my life. Finding God is just the beginning.
I also found a very inspirational quote while searching the web. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."--Eleanor Roosevelt. It is so true! I am good enough! Robert isn't any better than me. He acts superior at times to me and I am always quick to put him in his place when he tries. Sometimes I think that boy just needs a reality check. He's not perfect and he is in no way better than I am. It's funny cuz the things he says don't bother me. I just know that I also am not perfect and I try everyday to be the best person I can be to everyone who comes into my life. I keep trying to teach him that little piece of wisdom. Still not sure why he thinks he's better than me. Maybe he's jealous that I have my family intact and he doesn't. Who knows. Anyway, I am a little nervous about going to church tomorrow. It is my childhood church and I went to the website to check out times and everything and there is another new pastor there. I hope I enjoy his sermons because I would really like to stay at my church. Good night!

Blogging on someone else's site...

is wrong! My apologies to the one I did it to.
Anyway, things are looking a little better for me. I have gone on a few job interviews. One might actually work out. I won't find out til probably Monday. It's a data entry job, entry level but since I'm not too proficient with the computer it should be interesting. She didn't mention if it was 10 key cuz if it is I'm screwed!!!!!!
So the kids don't have school tomorrow. That means that they're gonna do their best to drive me crazy! And my oldest is having a friend stay the night. It's gonna be a "Draggin' Ass Saturday." That's okay.
I wanted to go out Saturday night, but when I looked at myself in the mirror tonight I wasn't happy with what I saw. I got at least 40 extra pounds on me. And on a 5 foot frame that looks really bad! I used to be thinner. Not skinny, never skinny. But shapely in a really pretty way. My girlfriends were jealous of me cuz I had curves and they were sticks and I was jealous of them because they were thin and could wear anything. Funny how things are when you're a teenager. I just want my old body back. Having Giselle really messed me up. I gotta get up offa my ass and do something about it. Instead of complaining about it. My worst problem is that I eat when I'm bored. Not when I'm hungry. And I drink a lot of soda. I think that will be what I do first. I will give up the Pepsi. They say if you give up soda you can lose like 5 pounds. Giving up caffeine is gonna be rough on me. After I get that out of my system (I'll give it a week) I'll figure out what to do next. What works with my personality is to do one thing at a time. If I try to do too much I'll crash and burn. Anyway, it's nearly 3AM so I suppose I should go to bed.
Night all!
One more thing! Check this out! Too funny!http://www.robrob8.com/song_parody/dl_songs2/petnamesforgenatalia.mp3

Things are going well!

It must've been PMS that made me completely insane. Things have been really good this week. I didn't jump off the deep end once this week. Yay me! Ha ha! Anyway, I thought I'd post cuz I was bored. Robert has the baby and I'm gonna go over later and get her. And maybe get some. I hope. It's been pretty good lately.
Anyway, I was thinking about a post that Pinky made yesterday. She said that her ex told her she shouldn't date until her daughter is 18 (she's 5). This asshole has a lot of nerve considering he has a girlfriend. I don't know if she's live in or whatever but I can't believe he would even ask her of that. Dickhead did that to me when we broke up too. Little did I know he had a girlfriend a the time. I actually agreed only because said it would be a good idea for both of us to focus 100% on the kids. He never mentioned it again. I think most men are afraid of being replaced in their children's life. Well, if you're there for them noone will ever replace a father. My dad lived in Florida when I was growing up and he was always there for me! Dickhead lives 15 minutes away and nothing! Once again he's "in the hospital." Yeah, right. He hasn't seen them since Xmas and hasn't paid child support since before Xmas. He is the ultimate loser! And Ann is no better. When I had Brandon call on Friday to get money from him, she went on and on about how she was gonna divorce his dad if he didn't go into rehab. Brandon said "I hope you do." Hmmm...I don't think he likes her, do you? Ha Ha. She is truly pathetic if she has to confide in a 14 year old boy. Get a friend dammit!
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I will find a job. I have 4 places I can send my resume and 3 places to actually go to find a job. Then hopefully I won't feel like so much of a loser myself. Anyway, wish me luck!

No drama...

which is a great thing! It must have been my friend that was making me irrational. He has another soccer game tonight and I know he'll go to Alex's and hang and today I'm okay with it. Last week I went off the deep end about it. Man, my friend makes me psychotic! But I got to see him and I really missed him even though I had seen him 2 days before. Anyway, I finally got some. It was good. Not earthshattering but satiating. It'd been awhile. It was the first time I had told him I loved him in a while. It's not that I haven't loved him it's just, well, I was waiting to see if he would tell me first. He hadn't said it in a while and I just felt like it. I think that's a really good sign. That I haven't lost it. After two years, that is saying alot for me. Usually after a year or so I get bored and move on. Maybe he is the one for me. He says that I'm settling for him cuz with as many kids as I have I can't have anyone else. Bullshit Papi! When I first met you I could get any guy I wanted and I usually did. Most just didn't measure up to my expectations. Then you came along and just took my breath away. How do guys do that to us? I was having a good time getting my party on with my friends and out of the blue comes this totally amazing guy who seemed too good to be true. Turns out he was too good to be true. Okay, so no one is perfect. It took me alot to forgive him for cheating on me. I still haven't forgotten. Every once in a while I say something about it to him. Or I say things that will provoke what I hope is guilt without "realizing" it. Like mentioning him working late, like I haven't put two and two together. I don't know how people could forget something as heartbreaking as infidelity. I think about it every day and it's been a little over a year since I found out. The worst part of it is that it doesn't take anything to trigger it. I could be sitting watching TV or playing on the computer or even making dinner and I will think about it. So it's not just when it's an unoccupied mind. It's whenever my brain is awake. And that is hard. I read about infidelity in other's blogs and I can relate to the victim. I feel so bad and just want to commiserate, but I usually just move on. I mean, the person already feels bad enough, but I feel that if I say something, it will somehow make them feel worse. It's hard to believe how many of us have been cheated on. What ever happened to "This isn't working. I don't think we should be together." and then the other goes and finds someone. They say you know on the first date if you could spend the rest of your life with someone. Women know in the first 5 minutes if they would sleep with a guy. If it's a no, then don't pursue a relationship. I've been on a million first dates. Most don't work out and I'm honest and just say whether or not (not rudely of course) i had a good time and if I'd like to see the guy again. I guess I was one of the few people that was raised right. How hard is it to break it off with someone you don't want to be with? You always hear "I didn't want to hurt him/her." And cheating is the answer? Dumbass! Be a man/woman! You will get far more respect from a person for honesty. I don't think there is such a thing as too honest. There are tactful ways off telling people hurtful things. It just takes common sense and common courtesy. These are traits you should be instilling in your children, people! But I guess it makes it hard when kids see their favorite stars doing it. And the worst part of the stars is that they don't seem like they are held accountable for they vicious behavior. Look at the whole Brad/Jennifer/Angelina fiasco. He cheated on his wife and no one treats him like it. Now if he were poor white trash announcing it on Jerrry Springer, everyone would treat him like the piece of shit he really is. But because he is famous, we excuse the behavior. Once a cheater always a cheater. And Angelina to me is a homewrecker. I used to love her! I have all of her movies. And then she does something like this. I am firmly on Team Anniston! And about the once a cheater always a cheater, I do firmly believe it. Even though I stayed with Robert I honestly believe that he would cheat on me again. But I love him enough to take that chance one more time. You only get one more chance with me, babe. I have never given anyone else a second chance, so don't blow it. If it isn't working for you, let me know. I'm an adult. I can take it. Just don't be a dick about it and blame me cuz I'm showing you on a daily basis that I'm worth any man's time. You're not the only fish in the sea. You're just the fish that I'm deeply, headoverheels, fireworks in the sky in love with. Yours always, Jen.

Damn!

My rant from yesterday isn't here! I wonder where it went? Oh well. It was nothing important. Just about how fuckedup my extended family is. But it's not important now. Anyway, the last few days with Robert have been good ones. I think I was temporarily insane because of PMS. I seem to go on horrible tangents that, when my friend is gone, I realize they are completely unfounded. Just another crazy female I guess. Anyway, I'm headed over to Robert's in awhile so hopefully things will still be good.

Crazy messed up weekend(and it's only Saturday!)

Ok, technically it's Sunday, but whatever. Robert and I got into it again last night. Nothing to earthshattering. But I said something I should have never said. Well, two things actually. One, I told him that I had dumped better guys than him and two, if he treated his ex-wife even a tenth of the way he treats me, I could see why she stepped out on him! From what his sister has told me, Sandra was a fiery one not to take any bullshit. So anyway, I feel bad for what I said and apologized because they were unfair shots at him.
Anyway, I stopped being angry after telling him all that was bothering me and we made up. Or so I thought. So he calls me today and tells me his car was towed. It's sorta my fault because I parked in his assigned spot and he parked in a visitor's spot and apparently that is against the rules cuz when he got up this morning, his car was gone! So I went to get him and take him to his car cuz I felt super guilty! I'm lucky they didn't tow my car or I would have been FUCKED! So after he got his car ($125! Scam artists!) we went back to his place (the kids and I) and hung out there. While he and I were making dinner he said something about what I had said (the two things mentioned above) and said if they were said again he would end it. Now I realize that I shouldn't have said and I told him I said it out of anger and although I have said it here I had NO intention of ever saying it to him! But the heat of the moment got to me and I said both of them! Anyway, I just came back with "whatever floats your boat!" cuz I could tell that I had hurt him and I said to him "it doesn't feel good to be insulted and put down does it?" No answer. I mean, what could he have possible said anyway! So I am going to start each day brand new. If I'm angry with him I will put it to rest before I go to bed. If I don't talk to him I will put it here as a kind of therapy. I am good enough. I deserve the best! I want to be with Robert, but if it doesn't work I won't die. Okay, maybe I will die just a little, but with so many guys in the world there has to be one out there for me!
Anyway, off to Giselle's site to take off my picture. Now that Daddy has seen it I don't have to embarrass myself anymore. I need a freakin haircut and Bally's super badly and I don't need the whole world to see it and agree with me!

Before I bore you with more tales of woe....

I want to thank Isabelle (who I don't know, but I read her blog religiously! The link is to the right under "Isabelle ROCKS!!!) for this tidbit: http://www.twochineseboys.blogspot.com.

"You complete me."

Believe it or not, last night was the first time I have ever seen Jerry Maguire. I am not a Tom Cruise fan or a Renee Zellweger fan so I had no reason to really be interested in it (although I am a Cuba fan!). So I was at Robert's house last night and it was on TBS. It had just started and I was taking care of Giselle and he was sleeping and the part when they're on the elevator and the deaf couple are signing and he says to her, "You complete me." comes on. I lost it. I didn't cry, I just had a moment of clarity. Those three words meant more to that woman than "I love you" ever could. She doesn't say it, but the look on her face spoke louder than her mouth (or in her case, her hands) ever could. "I love you" is thrown around so loosely nowadays. Take for example a few years ago.
I called the sperm donor and his wife answered. At that point we were on friendly terms and we had been talking for a while. When we hung up I said "See you in a little while" (I was to drop two of the boys over there that evening). She said "I love you." I hung up thinking, it must be habit. The sad part is, it shouldn't be a habit. Saying it all the time takes the meaning out of it. Robert once asked me why I hardly say it to him. I simply said, "I don't need to. I show you." I think that is what it's all about. I understand that hearing it makes a person feel good. And I do tell him and when I say it he knows I mean it even though he says "?Segura?(Sure?) ?Positiva?(Positive?) ?Cien percento?(100 percent?)" every time after it. I laugh and nod and he smiles. (See it's times like those that makes me happy!) Showing your love can come in little ways and in ways that you don't even think about until someone asks you why you love someone. That's when you think of the time he starts your car in 5 degree weather so you don't freeze your ass off on your way to work at 5 in the morning. Or when he watches your favorite show with you even though he hates it and doesn't say a word. It's time like that that I forget all the drama and past bullshit and am just really happy to be in the moment. It's times like that that make me realize how much I love him and why.
The thing is, those other three words really struck a cord with me. Does Robert complete me or is he everything to me? I have no life other than Robert and the kids. I don't work, my friends are always busy with work and family obligations and our time together is precious and far between. Maybe I am too clingy because I have nothing else. I had a job when I first met him and I was happy. I was dating and just for the first time ever really happy. Nothing was serious it was all fun. I had a ton of friends at work and we hung out all the time on our days off. Then I started to date Robert. And while I still had the friends, I realized that he was becoming more and more part of my life because he was invited to go out with my friends. And although a lot of the time he declined (and now I know it was because he was busy dating someone else! (Damn why is hindsight always 20/20?)) he was always welcome and made to feel like one of the group. Now that I am gone from there and some of my friends are also gone or on different shifts than when we together, we don't hang. I mean, every once in a while, I'll get an email saying so and so went here and there one day, but it's not like it was. I miss having a life. I miss being Jen. I miss the wildness (man I could party it up with the best of them! Paris Hilton watch out!!!!) and the fun and just being me. Not that I'm not still me. I don't fake things. But I have pushed things down so I can be more of what society (namely Robert!) expects of a single mom around 3o.
On the other hand, I'm kinda glad that I'm not the crazy girl that used to jump up on stage at a club and let loose! I love having someone to love and hold and tell all my crazy dreams to. A lot of people say that you can talk to your kids and whatnot, but it's not the same as having someone to kiss and touch and call you and ask about your day.
We may not be at the point where Robert says "You complete me." and it might never get there the way things are going. But for now I'll take "You're here with me and I need you next to me."

There is so much good advice...

given to me by people I don't know and it's funny cuz I know these ladies are right but do I take the advice? Of course not! They say it's easier to be on the outside looking in. And I know I should listen. But I know I won't. Why? Cuz I'm stuck in stupid. Or is it on stupid? I don't know. Anyway, I'm just gonna lay low for a while. See what happens. See if he chases after me. When he broke up with me all them times I didn't chase him. I went on. I was miserable, but I didn't call him, nothing. He called me to apologize. Maybe I was stupid for taking him back, maybe not. February 28th will be 2 years. Besides the boys' sperm donor that will be the longest relationship I have been in. Usually about a year to a year and a half I'm bored or miserable and I end it. So, while I'm definately not bored, I'm not happy. I think miserable is a harsh term to use at this point, but if something doesn't change, it won't be that long until it gets there. So to the girls who keep giving me good advice that I'm not taking, please don't be discouraged. I don't know my heritage cuz I'm adopted but I think I have some Italian in me cuz I'm as stubborn as a damn mule! Your words echo in my head all the time (and trust me, it's the truth!) and when push comes to shove, your voices will once again be heard and heeded! Thank you for your wisdom and support. When I can't trust the voices in my head to tell me the right thing to do, I know I can count on you!

I'm a little surprised...

...that Robert actually called me today. When I asked him if he even got the message from last night he said yes. He said it sounded like I needed to cool down before we talked so he didn't call. Well, duh!!! Anyway, I still don't know if this is a relationship I should stay in. My heart is screaming at me that if I end things, it will kill me. My head says I deserve to be treated right. Unfortunately, I agree with both. So what's a woman to do? Maybe I should try to weather the storm. Maybe this is just a bad phase we're (or more probably I am) going through. He does own some of this though. These feelings aren't just in my head. I might not be the brightest crayon in the box but I know when I am hurting and I know when I'm hurtin cuz of Robert. I'm gonna go over there tonight and talk with him. If he wants to end it then I will let him go. If not, he had better fight to keep things going strong. I won't put up with a man who lets things be half ass! It's all or nothing til the end baby and you'd better believe it!
I keep telling myself I should back off slowly and see what happens. But every time I try that I fall in deeper.
On a lighter note, I put in some job applications today. Here's a lesson girls: DON'T DROP OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A GUY!!!! I can't find a good paying job to save my life! My girlfriend says to get into stripping cuz the cash is unbelievable, but I can't do that! I got kids! If I'm not proud of what I'm doing, how are they gonna be proud of their ma? So now I am gonna wait a few days to see what comes up. Hopefully by this Monday I will be a working woman once again!
Ok all! Take care and until next time America! Oh God I have to get a job! I'm quoting Murry!

What the hell is the matter with him? Or is it me?

I got into a nasty argument with Robert tonight. He asked me how my day went and I told him that I finally got money from Dickhead. But that jerk thought it would be funny to give me my child support in the form of a Walmart card. Any other time it wouldn't be a big deal, hey, money is money right? But I nearly ran out of gas getting there then he hands me the card and says it has 100 bucks on it. I was pissed! How the hell was I supposed to get back home? I was counting on that money so I could look for a job tomorrow! I scraped together a dollar in change and put enough gas in the car to get me home. So now I'm stranded at home, my mother has been on my ass nonstop about money (but she has the money to fly to Florida for the holidays!) and I don't have anyway to get anywhere to get applications! But I digress.
Well, I don't know what exactly started the argument but it ended up he said something shitty about I wouldn't have these problems if I hadn't spread my legs (his crude words!). Okay, let's get something straight asshole! That man was abusive in every conceivable way! He beat me, he hurt me emotionally, he repeatedly raped me. That's why I have 4 sons instead of the two I willing slept with him for! I endured that abuse for years! And you have the nerve to tell me I shouldn't have opened my legs? ASSHOLE!!!!! So I hung up on him. After a few minutes of breathing I called him back and said to him "What gives you the right to judge me?" He apologized but I know he didn't mean it because he has said it before and apologized. Well then I asked him if he ever forced his exwife to do anything she didn't want to do and he said no. Then I asked him if his wife ever forced him to do anything he didn't want to do and he made some smartass comment about how she would make him let her go down on him! I was furious and hung up on him. After another few minutes of breathing I called him back. Voicemail. Same thing the next 4 times I tried to call. So I left him a message that when he is ready to treat me right to call me. I don't expect to ever hear from him again.
Jeez! Why do I put up with this bullshit? I've dumped better guys than him! Why does love have to hurt so much? I thought when love hurt it was cuz someone you cared for was hurt or died or something like that. I always thought that love was the be all, end all to a relationship and everything else would just work itself out when the time was right. Boy what a fool I've been!!! Is love really enough? Apparently not. I have given him everything I have and am dried to the bone and I get no respect at all. But am I being selfish because I expect some respect? I mean, I know true love is selfless, so am I wrong to want respect from him? Good Lord, I gave birth to his child. That in and of itself deserves some sort of respect! I hate this! Even after all the bullshit we've been through I show him respect! He cheated on me and lied to my face about it and I still show him respect! That was how I was brought up. In order to earn respect you have to give respect. Maybe he's just used to taking. Like I have said in every relationship I have ever been in: I will leave with my head held high because I know I have done everything in my power to try and make him happy. If he doesn't think I'm good enough he needs to leave me alone. I know I can make a man happy. Mamita was brought up right. If he doesn't want me then I will find someone who does. I'm a good person and an honest person and I know that I am worthy of respect. Take that!

Happy New Year!!

So I'm 3 days late with that! Sorry! Have been feeling a little under the weather. But I'm better now. I was reading my resolutions for last year and they haven't changed a bit for this year. Last year I wanted to lose the last 15 pounds of my 85 pound wieght loss. Now I want to lose the extra 30 pounds I put on since being pregnant and having Giselle. I want to find a great job. I want to be happy (with or without Robert!!) I want to be my kids' friend without having to compromise what is right for them. Wish me luck on all endeavors!!!