Help!

I would like to change the links where it says "Edit me". If anyone can help I would appreciate it. Leave me a message if you can help. I want to put "Gisellelynn.blogspot.com" there and where it says to do it in the edit template, it didn't work. So if someone can PLEASE put the exact letters and words for me so I can copy it, I would appreciate it! Thanks!! PS. Giselle is my adorable baby girl!

Trouble Ahead?

The last 24 hours have been crazy! Got into a nasty tiff with Robert last night (Christmas evening) about whether or not we should stay together. Right now, I could honestly take him or leave him. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. It does tell me I'm not emotionally dependent on him anymore. That's a good thing. But it almost makes me question how I feel toward him. I know I love him and not because he's my baby's father. I can't say how deep it is because I always believed a deep, strong love had to be mutual and totally even. But it is undeniable that I truly love him. Maybe one day I will feel that from him. But trust me when I say I won't hold my breath!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I love this time of year! I hate that my kids are up at 4 AM and they know not to bug me before 6 but do anyway! This X-mas was a little tight. But they're happy. I got a digital camera from Robert. Not the most romantic gift, but a nice one. Of course, I'm no better. I gave him a tortilla warmer and a golf scope. When taxes come back he's gonna get something nicer from me. More personal. If we're still together! Anyway, gonna go because Bradley wants to play with his new PC game.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! And God bless everyone!!!!!

It's been awhile!!!!!!!!!

It's been awhile because my computer crashed and I had to take it to Best Buy to get it fixed. Then there was a problem setting up my internet so I had to wait for the "Geek Squad" (God I love that name!) to come fix it. So now I'm back! And things are going pretty well the last few days. Robert has become second in my world instead of being my world. It suits my world and my family better. And I think it also will either make or break us because instead of his feelings being the most important thing (next to my children's of course) I have put my feelings first. Christmas weekend proves to be a good thing. Saturday is our big family Christmas. Then the kids and I are going to Robert's sister Lisa's house in the evening. Sunday the boys will be with their dad after Christmas morning at home. I don't know what I will do while they are gone. I'm thinking about going to the movies. Not sure yet. I always thought people that went to the movies on Christmas were pathetic. Now that I am one of those people it doesn't seem to be that big of a deal! Ha Ha! Anyway, thanks to all who have left such encouraging messages to me! You guys are the best! Love, Jen

"U Should've Known"

I'm listening to Monica's "U Should've Known." This song really makes me think. I wonder what Robert thought when he was cheating on me. I mean, did he think he was really unhappy with me? Was he with her because he didn't think I would settle down? Did he know I wouldn't leave? Did he know she wouldn't stay? Why did he "choose" me? I mean, she wouldn't take him back although she did admit to me he never tried to get back with her after we both confronted him. But was that because he knew she wouldn't go back? Did he love her? He told her he did. He chased after for 6 weeks when she found out about me the first time. (She ended it after seeing us together at Transit but she didn't confront him there. Had she done that, I might have ended it too. At that point I was a lot stronger.) He must have felt something for her to break up with me to be with her. He did that a few times. He never broke up with her to be with me. I feel like I have her "sloppy seconds." It's funny cuz when we first met, I was partying it up on the weekends, dating, macking, and the like. Then this guy comes into my life and my whole perspective on life changes within a few months. I realize that I want to be someone's wife (at that point I didn't know if he was "The One"), I wanted someone to love in that special way. Then that Hoobastank song came out. Y'know "The Reason." I connected with that song and burned the single for him and wrote him a note about how he changed my life and how I felt. I never gave him the note. I didn't want to give him that power over me. Somehow, he got it (the power, not the note!) anyway. Long before I found out about the cheating. Why did God give us hearts if he knew how easily they break. There is a song by Jessica Andrews called "Unbreakable Heart" and Lord how I wish it were true! I'm tired of being the bleeding heart in the relationship. Just once I want him to feel like I do and put it all out on the table like I do. I don't bullshit with him. Even if I know what I'm gonna say is gonna piss him off or hurt him I still tell him. I still believe in "Honesty is the best policy." I always told him if he found someone he would rather be with to call me up and tell me. Give me the chance to decide if I still want to be with him. It just pisses me off that he always accused me of cheating. He said he couldn't do it cuz his ex-wife cheated on him and took their kids to go live with her lover and he was so hurt that he couldn't do that to someone. He lied. Out and out to my face. And when I confronted him about the woman he was cheating on me with, he lied. I've learned that a man's credo is "deny deny deny." After hours of arguing and telling him what I'd heard on her voicemail he finally admitted it to me. I was so devastated! I felt like someone had taken my heart out and ran a freaking steamroller over it about 500 times! That was the moment I realized he had the power that I thought I hadn't given him. The power to hurt me. After thinking things over for a week I decided that I must've loved him enough to let the walls down so he could hurt me. I learned a valuable lesson that night. If I let him back into my heart, I would be damned if he would hurt me again. My one friend said I should've cheated on him to show him how it felt. But that would've made me no better than him. I believe to this day that if this relationship ends I can leave it with my conscience and integrity and with my head held high because I did everything in my power to make him happy. I hope he knows what he has. And if things do end I'm done. I gave my all and I don't have anymore to give. Robert, I know you will never read this but I hope you know how much I love you!

This is the man that I have been stressin' over!

This is him. My beautiful heartache. That's my nickname for Robert. These are two of the 6 reasons I breathe! Even looking into his eyes in a picture leaves my feeling breathless!
Anyway, he did come over tonight and we talked. He said he loves me, that he wouldn't cheat on me again. He says that little girl right there is reason enough to stay faithful. Is that possible? Can having a child really change your attitude toward someone? I know it made me love him more! I don't know how that happens but it did. When I'm not with him I'm thinking about him, missing him like crazy. Wanting to be with him forever. Am I a glutton for punishment, who knows! I just want to be happy and I want Robert the one to make me happy!!!

World's biggest idiot?

It's 9:30 on Sunday night and what am I doing? Nothing. Waiting for Robert to call. He was gonna come over tonight and apparently he's not gonna bother. But the really bad part is that he hasn't even bothered to call me. Three Sundays in a row? And he wonders why I don't trust him! When I call he doesn't answer his phone. Then calls me back in a few minutes. Been there, done that. I hate this! I want to end it but my heart won't let me! I don't think it's fair that my heart always takes over my head! And it wonders why it ends up hurt all the time! You think it would learn it's lesson! I don't know what to do. I have had so many nice messages from yesterday's post and a little encouragement and trust me, that helps. But I know me and I know I'm not going anywhere. Unfortunately, Robert knows it too! Soy la estupida...Anyway, until...

A little goes a long way!

I miss Robert sooo much!!!!!!!!!!! I used to see hime every day nearly but since Giselle was born I see him maybe once or twice a week. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions I used to visit him at night after the boys were asleep. Now that the baby is here I don't want to bring her into the cold. So now I see him at least one weekend night a week and once during the week when he comes to visit. I'm hoping that by March 2007 I will have enough money and the job stability to get a house for rent to own. Then he can come see us whenever he wants! Anyway, I got to see him for about 15 minutes yesterday cuz I had to take Brett to his dad's. So seeing Robert lives about 2 minutes from Dickhead's house I made a little detour. I held on to him like it was the last time I would ever see him. It was nice to just be completely alone with him again. I missed that! So then Dickhead calls this morning and says to bring the other boys for a few hours for his other son's birthday party. I called Robert hoping he blew off work today so I could see him. He never even called me today during his lunch break. He didn't call until 2:30. He says I don't call him anymore. Why bother? He never answers his phone anyway. Okay, enough bitchin. Until...

Cool!

I think I finally figured out how to download pix! Now if I could find out who to give credit for this picture of my favorite hottie! Next to Robert of course! Thanks to the photographer (From KeanuWeb).

Robert's mom Maria

Robert's mom went in for routine eye surgery today. Everything went okay. Robert, Mari and his mom went back to Mari's house and I guess a few hours later Mari's son Tonio called Lisa and said that they had to take Maria back to the hospital because she had some sort of reaction to something after she took her diabetes meds. She got really sick but when I called him a few hours after that he said she was okay. I'm glad. Anyway, another boring day in the house. Dickhead finally paid me. I'm tired of his bullshit excuses. He said that Ann had forgotten to put the zip code on the envelope. Bullshit! He didn't want to pay me. I nearly ran out of gas getting out there. I had to count change to put a gallon in and it was barely enough to get me there and to the bank to cash the check. Anyway, when I got there I asked him if he was taking the boys this weekend. He said no cuz they hurt Ann's feelings. Umm...excuse me! What about the shitty things she has said to them! He doesn't want to listen to their side. Oh well. I talked to the boys about it and said that they should have a family meeting and talk out the problems. Problem is, Ann is too immature to do her part and plays into the kids. The boys try to make their dad see what she does but he is too blind to it. Maybe one day they will work out the problems but I don't think so as long as he takes sides. Well tonight there is no bad feelings about Robert. I know he had a bad day with his mom. Even if something had been done it would be too selfish to put it cuz I know he had a rough day.