My turn

I took some advice and told Robert that I couldn't see him tonight because I had other plans. He looked completely shocked and asked what I was doing. I told him I was going to catch up with some friends. I left it at that and he didn't question it. The only people I am catching up with are the blogs I read religeously. But he doesn't need to know that! Make myself less available to him. That was the advice. I will try it and see what happens. He called me a little while ago and I told him I couldn't talk for long but I would call him tomorrow and that I loved him. He was speechless! I like this idea!
Anyway, I was watching "Riding in Cars with Boys" yesterday and I was reminded of my favorite line in that movie and I totally identify with it. Drew Barrymore says to Peter Facinelli "I'm 22 years old and I haven't accepted that this is my life...I wish I wasn't smart so I wouldn't realize it." That is EXACTLY how I feel about my life! I haven't accepted my life. I wish I didn't have to. I have no one to blame but myself for the choices I have made. If I could go back and change things I would in a heartbeat. The question is: would I actually be happy? I guess I will never know. I have to do what I can with what I have. I have to make my own happiness and allow others into my life share it. I think that is how it is supposed to be.

Frustrated

This is how I feel right now. I have been blown offf 3 times this weekend by Robert. I was supposed to go out with him last night but he decided to hang out with his brother in law. Then he was supposed to come over today to make up for it but decided to go out with friends. So I was to go over tonight to have him make it up to me but he decided to stay at his friends. Fine. Fucking stay. But when you want me to come over (which honestly isn't too often anymore!) I won't be bothered. I'm taking some good advice about getting a life. Maybe as time goes along he won't fit in my life. His loss. I'm good girlfriend/wife material. Maybe I should let someone else find that out.

Few and far between

That will be the frequency of my posts for 10 to 15 business days. My AC adapter is messed up and they will be sending me a new one in that amount of time. So I will barely have any battery to do long posts. So in short, everything here is okay. No drama the last few days which is great for my sanity. And I have been happy since Thursday. Three days. Wow. I'm impressed.

Few and far between

That will be the frequency of my posts for 10 to 15 business days. My AC adapter is messed up and they will be sending me a new one in that amount of time. So I will barely have any battery to do long posts. So in short, everything here is okay. No drama the last few days which is great for my sanity. And I have been happy since Thursday. Three days. Wow. I'm impressed.

I was havin' a good day...

mindin' my own business when I decided to check the mail. It'd been a few days. So I grab it, begin to sort it and stop dead in my tracks when an enveloe with familiar handwriting is staring me in the face. I look at it then flip it over. No return address. Should I open it? Should I throw it away? Oh what the hell!
" Dear Weda,
Hey you! Remember me? Hope so. Cause I have not forgotten about you.
Every time I see a Cubs game on the tube I think of you & I when we went to the game and I see the section we sat at. Boy what a time that was. It was the best. Bet you wish you were a sox fan! HAHAHA! It's okay, I'll let you change over.
So you have to tell me how you've been. I'm sure you are doing fine. An you boys are probably taller than you. So are you still with Robert? I wonder if you married him or moved in with him.
I'm still in Crystal Lake. Right off Main St. Behind La Rosita store. You can see Duke's from my crib.
So I don't want to write too much. Hey I work at Kohl's in the evenings and weekends. You should stop by. I'll give you my discount on anything you admire. 15% on clothes and 10% on shoes. Well you take care. Here is my phone # ***-***-****. Please call me or text me. Soon! So anxious to here from you.
Your friend,
the loco Tejano"

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, that is an exboyfriend. More pointedly, the one I was engaged to that cheated on me with his wife. I can't figure out why he would want to contact me after all this time. I talked to him about a month after Robert and I started dating. I told him to leave me alone because I was looking for some happiness in my life. After reading the letter I began to reminisce (and I feel only a little guilty for that) about us. He actually made me feel loved and wanted. Even after he cheated with her he was coming to my house begging my forgiveness telling me he loved me more than life itself. But I stuck to my guns about not being with a cheater. And after reading it, I know I made the right choice. The last time I talked to him he and his wife and kids were moving to Texas. He would leave me alone but he would forever love me. Apparently things didn't work out with his wife and Texas. Should have stayed true, babe. Should have stayed true.
I will not contact him. It would be wrong. Not only that, I don't have the desire to. The past is the past. Besides, what would I tell him? That my life is teetering on the edge of sanity? No, better to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think I could be with him again anyway. He was more drama than Robert and I put together. I must admit though we did have a fantastic time together! We were the party no matter where we showed up! Okay, enough of this. I'm going to call Robert. And no, I am not going to tell him my past is trying to catch up with me. I see no need for it. It will only increase our drama. I am his alone.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I whole heartedly believe that. I believe that you can find happiness as long as you are truly looking. Things happen for a reason. With all that being said, I am still afraid to call that number. I'm not ready for my life to possibly fall apart. I would rather sit in my blissfully ignorant state right now.
I went to Robert's last night. We talked. He asked me if I loved him. Without all the dramatics I am well known for I simply answered "With all my heart, body and soul." Not another word was spoken between us as I fell asleep in his arms. Today, however I am wondering why he would ask me such a thing. Since my break up with Asshole, I have never stayed in a relationship that I didn't want to be in. Life is too short to be miserable. Is it normal to ask that question of someone who is so obviously enamored of you that they are willing to do whatever it takes to show you? Did that make sense? It sounded good in my head before I wrote it. Anyway, I am taking the advice that was given to me and am going to wait until I am ready to accept what is to be my future. I am not strong enough to handle what may happen. I am at a bad place in my life and in my head and I don't want the "OMFG I was right!" to take over my thinking right now. I have things I need to concentrate on. My kids, getting a job and just becoming the old me again. I have not spent as much time with Robert lately. It helps and hurts at the same time. While I do miss him, I also get a chance to clear my head and think about my future and what I want and need. I need to find my strength. I need to become myself in order to be myself. I have been lost for so long. I am afraid.

More TRUTHZ...

Someone who I have come to trust over the last six months has come back. With some wisdom no less! I have done everything but call. I think I'm afraid of what I will hear. She asked me some hard questions (hard to me anyway). I'm not sure where I would go with any information I would get. It's so easy to say I would leave. In the past I would have. Now I don't know what I would do. I want to think that I would leave because I am worthy of better. But my heart would be screaming the whole time "WTF are you doing?" So again, I find myself questioning if it's worth it or should I keep myself in the dark? It's a hard question. I am afraid of the answer.

Still a chicken...

I still have that phone number glaring in my face and no balls to do anything about it. Gees, I am so passive that I can't stand it yet I do nothing to change it. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I want to call so badly! I wouldn't know what to say. How do you call someone who might be messin with your man (whether she knows it or not) and not sound like a complete nutjob? Do you demand to know who is on the other side of the phone? Do you politely ask for the name on the paper or the name from switchboard.com? What if they are one and the same because of an illegal status? (The cousin is from Peru.) I'm gonna go check out Myspace. See if I can find the name there or at classmates.com. Anything about right now would help. Back soon.

Edit: Okay. Nothing. In the unlikely event that someone is reading this and has an idea how to search for people (for free!) or an idea to make the call without looking like a total ass, let me know. I'm open for suggestions. Thanks!

Long time no post

It's been awhile. Haven't had the want to blog. Things are at a stand still in every aspect of my life. Had a job interview today. Same ol' same ol': "We'll get back to you." Gees, if it's a no just say so. I'm an adult I can handle it. Then I can go to other interviews and not be waiting to see if you'll call. Yes, I tend to do that if I think I did well on an interview. Now I know better. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
The kids are alive and well and getting out of school soon. UGH! Not looking forward to days upon days of fighting. Their dad has been nowhere around since he took them all the one Sunday Robert and I went to the Baptism. Big shock. I don't even care anymore. He can drop off the face of the planet for all I care. My eldest's attitude has changed in the last few weeks. He is despondent and depressed and taking it out on all the wrong people. The other 3 I think have come to realize that he is what he is and that he is selfish and is only out for himself. My second eldest has actually said that he hopes his dad stays out of the picture. He says he doesn't want to see him anymore. I'm okay with that.
Things with Robert and I are also same ol' same ol'. I have taken to writing down everything and anythng that happens between us day by day. Searching for patterns. I did find something yesterday that has disturbed me. He told me that it was his co-worker's cousin and that we had met. Okay. So I wrote the number down and put into http://www.switchboard.com. It didn't come up as the name it should have. Now, it could be an old name accompanying the number. I don't know how often the site is updated. But I am terrified to call. What do I say? What if all my worst fears are about to come about? This is denial in all its glory. I don't know how to do this. I keep thinking about when Gabi called me and what she said. I don't think I can do that. I don't know.
Gonna go. I have a watcher. More later, perhaps.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

That would be how I have felt the last week. He ended up call me a few hours after I posted the last entry. Said he went to play volleyball. He called to tell me he was going out with his cousin Ricky. In other words he was blowing me off again. So last night he says he's going to play volleyball again and to call at 5:30. Guess what? No answer. (What? You didn't think I was actually say he answered did you?) So he calls me about 7:45. He tells me I sounded irritated on my voice message. Well duh! Then he informs me he is having Ricky over. And Jonas. Thanks. Blowing me off again eh? All this after I told him he has been blowing me off every other Friday. He said he would spend a month of Fridays with me to prove nothing is going on. I replied with then I guess I will be seeing you every other Saturday. He laughed his stupid "I can't believe you" laugh ( You know the one. The one where you just want to claw his eyes out for just dismissing your emotional outrage.) and said no. So where are we now? He's blowing me off again. Yes I know I already said that but I need to hammer the point into my own head. Then the conversation just takes off from there touching on different things (why he doesn't want to live together, how I ended up pregnant (he said it was very convienent of me to get knocked up after I found out he was cheating. Now isn't usually the other woman who gets pregnant to trap the man? Or is that only on Springer?) how I haven't forgiven him (hello? I took him back!!! Or maybe that's just punishment. Who knows?) or forgotten. I don't think I will ever forget. Wait, scratch that! I know I will never forget it!). He said he would call me later. I told him don't expect to hear from me. He then said something about the new bed he's getting tomorrow about how we were to break it in. I told him to go break it in with someone else. He hung up on me and I haven't heard back from him. And I am actually okay with that. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And if I had to be honest, I think he's purposely pushing me away. Well guess what Asshole? It's working! If you push anymore I'm gonna break through my threshhold! So now what? We had a fight. We haven't broken up so if he pulls shit tonight when he goes out we are so done. Fuck you and the slut you rode on muthaf***er!