I'm sick as a dog!

I am miserable. And what is wrong with me isn't fit to print. Two days of wanting to die. Two days of my insides becoming my outsides. Two days that sweet glorious death hasn't bothered to take me. So needless to say I won't be going to Robert's tonight. Even though it is our 2 year anniversary. I feel like a Mack truck ran over me. And my poor little princess isn't faring much better. I was supposed to go over to Robert's house to celebrate. I was looking forward to it. Now I'm bummed but I can barely move. I was hoping he would come here but I haven't even heard from him yet. He hasn't answered his phone all day. I thought he would at least call and ask how I was feeling. And he knows it's our anniversary because I told him Sunday. You know men, they never remember anything. So now I won't get to see him and he might call, but I have learned to not hold my breath when it comes to Robert.

It's been a good 4 days (today's not over yet!)

Saturday night Robert, his parents and I went dancing at Carmina's. The DJs were obviously new at their job (The Talisman). They were having a hard time mixing the music and following tracks. It was fun though. They started playing Banda and this girl who was half negrita was doing this odd jumping thing. She had to be 75 pounds soaking wet and really tall on top of it. The guy who was with her was a stocky guy shorter than her and threw her like she was a freakin ragdoll. It was funny. But it was a good time.
Went to church Sunday morning. Went to 11AM service. I didn't like it. It's contemporary. I prefer church the old fashioned way so I will be going back to the 9 oclock services again. Robert had Giselle and I went and stayed with him Sunday night. Haven't seen him since.
Monday was boring. Did non-stop laundry.
Tuesday folded the non-stop laundry.
Today, I rested. Blake stayed home sick from school so I was basically catering to him all day. I miss being needed by him and his older brother. Tonight I am going back to Robert's to stay. I miss him. I've been trying to keep my suspicions in check. It's sorta working. Of course, he hasn't gone anywhere really yet. So anyway, until...

The funeral

It was very nice. It was odd to be in a funeral home for it. I'm used to them being in churches so this was very different for me. Seeing my exboyfriend there was actually easier than I thought. He looded even better now so that was disappointing. But what hasn't changed is that he hasn't aspired to do anything with his life, all those good looks and brains gone to waste being a waiter. Not an aspiring actor trying to make ends meet, but a waiter. What a shame. I was expecting Robert to ask me if I had spoken to him (which I didn't) but he didn't. I'm surprised. Maybe he didn't put two and two together. Or maybe he just hasn't asked yet. Who knows. All I know is that maybe breaking up with him wasn't a big mistake. Seeing he is exactly where he was 3 years ago and no ambition. I hate that in a guy.
So anyway, tomorrow night Robert and I are going out dancing with his Mom and Dad. We haven't been out dancing in forever! I think I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant and clumsy as an ox. Hopefully I haven't lost it! I want to take salsa lessons and surprise him with them. That would be fun!
So the last week has been interesting yet boring. Bought Saw 2. LOVED IT!! Of course, I love movies like that. I want to see Final Destination 3. I really like the 2nd better than the first. Same with Jeepers Creepers. Of course, seeing the 2nd in the theatre helped that experience. I love me a good scary movie. The Grudge scared the shit out of me for months. I am NOT lying! It wouldn't have been so scary for me if those things couldn't leave the house! I kept seeing long flowing black hair at night. And it doesn't help that I am honest to God scared to death of the dark! One night soon after seeing that movie, Robert creeped me out by tapping on the wall and making it sound like the little boy thing running across the floor. I was half asleep when he did it so it really scared me to the point where I was silently crying. He turned to me and kissed my cheek and realized that I was crying and he apologized and said he would never scare me again. He has kept that promise. I know it sounds stupid, but I get scared about some scary movies but I love them! I have only been able to watch The Grudge in bits and pieces on HBO. And I CANNOT watch the part when that girl thing crawls up the sheet. To me, that was the scariest thing I have ever seen! The Ring also creeped me out. The second one? Not so much. Even though I saw that one in a theatre. I want to see Pulse. It looks wicked creepy! So anyway, I recommend Saw 2 if you are a scary movie fan. It's more gory than scary. It's really good though. I can't say a damned word about it without giving anything away that is how well put together the movie is. Kinda like The Sixth Sense was. You couldn't tell anyone anything cuz that would ruin it for them. Okay. Enough. I'm off to play my Sims game. I have neglected my family for The Movies game (which is sort of hard and I am usually good at games like that!). Til next time!

A single red rose

Things have been crazy here lately. Robert and I have been going strong after talking. Valentine's day was good. I was disappointed that all I got from him was a rose. I mean, we're talking 2 years here, not two months. I bought him a freaking Bears jersey. I wish I could say it's the thought that counts but how much thought goes into a gas station rose? His sister called me up and asked what we had done and what he got me. I told her we went to dinner and he got me a rose. I said in his defense that he took me to dinner for V day. She said ( and I quote!) "Uh-Uh! No! Dinner is not a gift! Dinner is where you talk and enjoy each other and show the whole world you're a couple in love. So all you got was a rose. You got gypped!" And she's right! 2 years? A rose? A dozen might have been a better gift and I wouldn't be so disappointed in him. It's not like I'm expecting a ring or anything. I'm not even comfortable with jewelry yet with him because of our past. I mean, he goes from getting me a digital camera for Xmas to a rose? Call me selfish or whatever, but I spent more on his gift than he did on dinner and his rose. Maybe I am being ungrateful, but some thought put into something would be nice. Anyone can buy a rose.
I'm going to a funeral today. My best friend's grandma died. It's funny because she was more of a grandma to me than my own grandmother. Pretty sad. So I have to go get ready. Oh yeah, and I will see the ex-boyfriend that I shouldn't have dumped today for the first time since we broke up. Figures, I look like shit cuz I got my haircut and the bitch screwed it up! Bad! Looks to be an interesting time.

The decision has been made...

we have decided to stay together. We talked for hours about what we both wanted and needed in this relationship. And after being 100% honest with each other, we agreed it would be worth it to try one last time. He told me that I don't show him/tell him how much I appreciate what he does for me and the boys. I had to agree to that. So now I will make sure everytime he does something, I thank him. With words. He laughed and said actions would be accepted too but it would be nice to hear it. He also said sometimes I am too honest with him. I still don't think there is such a thing, but that's just me. I guess I'm gonna have to figure out what he wants to really know about and what he doesn't. That will probably prove to be my downfall. He also asked me to get a grip on thoughts about his infidelity. I told him that was easier said than done because I have never been in the situation where I have had to deal with the aftermath. I never stuck around. So I asked him to bear with me because it is still very raw (even though it's been more than a year) and just keep reassuring me that he loves me and that I will get over it eventually. He agreed. Then I told him all of my "demands." I will not re-hash them but go back to past entries to see what they are if you're interested. He said he would try to be more loving to me. In the attentive way.
So I am going to still keep my calendar. If only for my own sanity. I'm hoping that maybe I am just a little crazy and everything is in my imagination. Only God knows.
On the job front, still nothing. I really don't want to go back to factory work. I don't like it. I want to retain the office positions but I'm just not getting the calls. It's irritating. Anyway, Giselle is awake so I must go now!

Guess what?

He finally called. At 6:05 to be exact. He said he wants to see me tonight. Now whether or not we get back together is probably still undecided. But if he is gonna end it with me, it won't over the phone. So after I put the boys to bed I'm headed over. I'm afraid that he is gonna break up with me. But if he does there is nothing I can do about it right? I'm not one to beg someone to be with me who doesn't want to be. That is totally pathetic. I'm scared that he doesn't want me but I will be okay. No one will want to read my blog for quite a while while I bitch moan and groan until I get over him. And I don't know how long that will be. So anyway, I'm off to get ready to go.

Stuck in Limbo

It seems more like purgatory actually. Stuck between heaven and hell. Still no word. Now I can see the glass as either half full or half empty. Lately it's been half empty because I am depressed. I have left the decision to God because He has a plan for all of us. Maybe His plan for me is to see that I need to stick with my original thinking to never stay with a cheater. Or maybe He will tell me that I need to trust in this man and stop making mountains out of molehills. Whatever His plan is I will respect it. My fingers keep itching to call him. I want to hear his voice but I don't want to scare him away. But at the same time I keep thinking "what if he's waiting for you to call to show you care and that you're sorry (I do need to take some of the blame because I did go off the deep end instead of just talking to him.)". And part of me wonders what happened Saturday night that he hasn't talked to me. If he did meet someone then he'd better end and fast. Cuz like the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I just want to be happy Lord. Even if it means he is no longer in my life, I just want some peace. Brandi's "Have You Ever" is back in my head again. I always hear that song when we are fighting. I need some guidance. I need some help. I need...I don't know what I need. I need Robert.

I am going completely insane.

No joke. It has been 56 hours and 11 minutes since I have spoken to Robert. I am getting more and more depressed as the hours drag on. I feel like I am going to break down and cry any minute now. I am holding back the tears because once they start they won't stop. I haven't told the boys that Robert and I might not be together any more. They love him so much and he has been there when their father hasn't been. I want to call him but I am afraid that if I do I will push him to end it with me. So I sent him a text instead. I just said that I was sorry, that I missed him and that I loved him. I don't want it to be over between us. I don't know how to breathe without him. Why can't he understand what I was telling him? I have to admit he was right that I am unappreciative of what he does for me and the boys. No, I do appreciate it, I just don't tell him. Maybe this is a wake up call for me. I don't know how to get it across to him that I do appreciate him and I don't want to lose him. I think he is already gone. My heart is breaking. I am miserable. I miss him terribly. I don't want to think of life will be without him. It's funny with all the bullshit I have been writing about lately that I am more miserable right at this instant than I have been since I began blogging. The wait continues...

I miss him.

No word

Okay. So today is really bad. On top of all the drama with Robert who I haven't heard from since Sunday morning, the doctor that I had the appointment with this morning didn't show up. No phone call, nothing. How unprofessional. What a jackass. And then my tax preparer calls and says I was turned down for an instant refund loan. So now I have to wait. I'm broke and I can't find a job for shit and my heart is breaking. What the hell else can go wrong? At least I'm alive and my kids are healthy. Hey, I had to say something like that right? Depression sucks. But at least I know that is why I'm so crazy.

Okay, so I went over to Robert's really quickly after church this morning to get my cell. I asked him if he had anything to say. He said no. So then I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he was sick of the bullshit. I was thinking to myself, "tell me about it!" but remained silent. He didn't say anything else so I asked him if he wanted to end it. He said he didn't know. Now see, this is what I'm torn on. The common sense side of me says if he's unsure why bother. The side of me that is absolutely head over heels in love with him says at least it's not a no. I love him. I think if we were to really try to be a couple instead of like high schoolers dating things might be better. If we do this I want to see a real effort of him trying to be with me. If I didn't bring the baby to see him I never would. He never comes over or anything. It's frustrating! If he sees no future with me then he should leave me alone. The thing that pisses me off is that he thinks because of the kids I can't get anyone. He thinks I have to settle for anyone that comes around. Sorry buddy. Wrong!! I'm pretty good at weeding out the guys after single mom ass who think we are all desperate. God I hate those guys. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I'm gonna put out to you cuz you think I can't get anyone else! Having kids has made me a better person. I am not selfish anymore, I know what unconditional love is, I know how to show respect and I am kinder and know patience. Having children reminds you of how frail the human race really is. Once you have the love of a child you don't want a love that is superficial. Nothing can replace the feeling of a little one asking you to check under the bed and in the closet for monsters. Nothing comes close to little arms throwing themselves around your neck, kissing your cheek and telling you that when they grow up they want to marry you. These precious moments are what keeps the pussy-prowlers at bay for me. You have to run a pretty damn good game on this mami to fool her. Maybe I just got played.

Another rant

I spent the day with him. It went well. Until tonight. I told him I wanted to come back because I needed some attention. He told me he was going out with his cousin. Thanks for making me a fucking priority. Even when I tell him what I want it doesn't matter. I don't ever want to hear a man say he doesn't know what women want cuz I know that women tell them. They just choose to ignore it. It really hurt me. He did the same thing last week. Then he began to say he needed to think if we should be together. That is a huge red flag to me! If you need to think about it (considering you're the one that cheated on me, you're the one who dumped me countless times, you're the one who is selfish) then I know exactly where I stand with you. Nowhere. And when you see me where you want to be in your life, but you're not there, don't come begging back to me. You had your chance and you blew it. If you want it to work, work on it. A relationship is a constant work in progress. Why don't people see that? They think that once they are committed, or living together or married, that the work is over. The chase and casual dating are the easy parts. It's what comes after that really matter. Jees, he's been married, he knows. Maybe this is why she cheated. He didn't listen to her needs. It gets kinda old to repeatedly tell someone what makes you happy. Especially if you've been in the relationship for a while. On the 28th we'll have been together 2 years. Not once has he mentioned anything going any farther than us dating. I find it odd. I realize that my package is a larger one than normal, but he knew from the first time we talked that I had 4 boys. It obviously wasn't a problem for him before. I have always pulled my weight. I've only been without a job twice since we've been together. The first time was only for about a month and a half and that was because thought I was gonna stay in Kansas.
Hmmm...Kansas. Maybe leaving should be an option again. As good as he is to Giselle, I'm the one making the effort for him to see her. If I didn't bring her by, he would never see her. Nothing cures a broken heart like distance right? Maybe I should go again. If I don't get this job on Monday. I honestly don't think he knows how much I love him. Maybe I do get bent out of shape on things as trivial as going out without me. But that's how he ended up cheating on me in the first place. He doesn't understand that I still have that mentality. Just because he's over it doesn't mean I am. I am the one who was betrayed and hurt. I'm the one constantly wondering if I did anything wrong. I'm the one wondering if I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. Because he cheated on me I am the one filled with insecurities. Not him. I have never ever made him feel like he wasn't enough for me. Maybe that was my downfall. I was too easily accessible. He knew how I felt. I never have hidden any feeling from him. But that's my personality. How are people to know how you are doing and such if you don't tell them? How are people to know what you want if you don't tell them? No one is a mind reader! That's what makes everyone unique. Different things make different people tick. If you knew what someone else wanted without having to communicate with them it would be a very quiet and boring world.
It's funny cuz my one girlfriend says I have all this insight into things like this but I'm dumb as dogshit (common sense wise, anyway!). Why can't I apply all these things I think into my relationship with Robert? Is it because it's a one way street? God I hate not knowing. It's times like these where I wish I could read his mind. If he doesn't want to be with me I wish he would just tell me. I hate feeling like I'm hanging on the end of a rope. I have been nothing but honest from the get go. I told him that if I had thought I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I would have never bothered to go past a first date. I think women know what they want with a man in the first month or two. Me? I usually know after a first date if it is someone I'd like to try out for a few months to see where it goes. I must have wanted to be with him because even after he cheated I took him back. He is the first guy I have ever taken back. I was to be married this summer with the guy I was with before him. He cheated on me with his exwife and I didn't take him back. That must say alot about my feelings for Robert. I sat on the decision for two weeks. I didn't tell him that getting back together was an option. I told him I have never stayed with a cheater. We talked a little on and off during the two weeks and I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him. I still don't. But if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me it will be his loss, not mine like he thinks.
I need to make a list of things I will not accept in a relationship. But not tonight. I have to get up early for church.
Good night.

Are you freakin'' kiddin' me?

Okay, so he called about quarter to twelve. He said that he went to out for beer after and was home by 11. So why didn't he call after we had just talked about him not calling? He said he was tired. Thanks babe. How do you think I felt when I had to get up with the baby this morning? Jackass!!! And I'm actually saying that more to myself than to him! It reminds me of Alicia Keys' "Karma" about waiting til 3 Am! Won't do that again! Of course I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway. So now I'm goin over there and we'll see what happens. I hope he lets me come over later. Like I said, I'm using a calendar to keep up with events. Should prove interesting. More later.

Just a rant...ignore if you wish!

Remember how I said I would bitch and moan here if I couldn't bitch and moan at Robert? Well, this is one of those posts. I asked him to call Friday night after his soccer game to tell me how it went. It ended at 8:30. It is now 2:48 AM and I have heard nothing. I refuse to call him because he said something about how he wouldn't forget. MMM-HMM!!! Now I will wait for him to call me. He gave me some bullshit earlier about how his phone is messed up. Yeah right! I've heard that before. I'm gonna start keeping a calendar and see if there are any noticeable patterns. If I detect one (and I will give it 2 months to give him the benefit of the doubt!) we're done. End of story. This way I can also keep track of things that were said and so on. Maybe it is petty and stupid. But I think it might make things add up and not only in my head. I had better be wrong on this. I will post results one month from today. If anyone is interested. So I'm off to read the blogs I subscribe to and then off to bed. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day. Man! I can't even blame this on PMS!

Happy days are here again!

That song is in my head as I write this. Of course, that is the only line I know! It's 4 AM and I'm up because I can't sleep. Insomnia sucks. And with a newborn baby it's kinda hard to nap when you want. Anyway, I spent Monday and Tuesday with Robert. No drama. We did get into a discussion last night about us but by the time I got there it was done and forgotten.
I got a call for an interview for Monday for a doctor's office. Believe it or not, the doctor himself called me! So we are meeting at Starbucks (his office isn't finished yet) for the interview. Jeez, sounds like a date! HaHa! I'm excited! I hope I get this job. I keep getting crap from Monster.com that I'm not nearly qualified for!!!!!! I got one "lead" to become a financial analyst. Okay, where the f do you get that from reception/clerical/telephone? Dumbasses. I clicked on it out of curiosity and it says that I need a degree. Why didn't Monster pick that up?
Got a call from Dad yesterday. He's ticked that I took my picture off of Giselle's website. Well hell! I look like crap and I don't want that shit floating around!! I told him when I get my haircut I will post a new picture up. And a fellow blogger gave me some advice to lose 13 pounds in a week by cutting carbs. Not a problem. The soda thing has been impossible, but I have a new faith. I'm gonna try really hard to stick with it now. I want to be a thinner, happier me. When I get the guts I will post a before picture. I'm really embarrassed of how bad I look. I miss the old me. The one who dressed a little naughty but still looked presentable. Now I look like shit. Wish me luck with the job interview and with the weight loss!