Gee baby ain't I good to you..l

Life has been really good to me this week. Monday off, spent with Rob's family, worked Tuesday thru Friday and went to see my fave cover band FNR with Rob, his sis Gaby, her bff Lauren, Lauren's p's, Vince and O-man. What an awesome bunch of people! None better (besides Rob's other sis who wasn't feeling up to going!)! Today I am watching my nephews while his sis is at an allday concert. Does it get any better? Rob has been great! I laid down the law a few weeks back and it's been all uphill! I couldn't ask for a better guy! Thank you God for my family and friends!

Life in general...

...has been good. The boys are growing up as well as Giselle. She is four and a half already! Life with Robert has its ups and down. Some days are better than others as it is in every relationship. There have not been any more incidents of cheating and living together can be a challenge, but overall I am actually happy. I didn't think the time would come where I would be able to say that truthfully and one hundred percent. I am taking life one day at a time and when it's rough I take one hour at a time. Life is a pie and I definately want my piece!

Things are looking up

The financial things are beginning to brighten. Have put in a few hours of overtime the last two weeks and hopefully tomorrow and next week as well. Can pay my half of the bills now without the pain of a fight. Our money is separate which is fine by me. All my girlfriends say he should be helping me out more because he makes twice as much money as me. Sometimes I see the point, but at the same time it makes me feel a little independent. Haven't gotten into a fight in about a week. The last fight we had wasn't major. But I have begun telling not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. I am getting a little bit stronger. I wish I could just separate my heart completely from him but I can't. If he leaves it will not be because he didn't know if I loved him or not. I breath for him as well as my kids. If he doesn't see that well then he must be blind!! I just hope things keep going my way. I hope Karma just leaves me alone for awhile. Unless she is going to be good to me. Then she plop her ass down on my couch for as long as she wants!!!!!!!!!

Why?

Why is it he is being a dick today? Sure things are really hard right now financially. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it disappears. That's how it has always been in my life. So he comes home and starts bitching about the car breaking down. Long story, don't want to rehash it. So I am writing. I love to write. It's an outlet for me. For my emotions which we all know are insane! So he says something to the effect of "why are you bothering? It's not like you're going to make thousands of dollars from it!" Can you tear me down any more? Things are really hard right now. Now is the time we should be growing together stronger. But you just have to be a total asshole. Thanks. Just what I need.

?????

Despite our argument the other night, things have been okay. At least, I think they have been okay. But apparently I live in LaLaLand. It's hard to stay angry when you are so very much in love with someone. I get frustrated but then I look at him and I just get overwhelmed by all this emotion. Maybe stupidity overrides all else. My thoughts are a jumbled mess so I won't bother anymore.

WTF???

Rob and I got into last night because on my MySpace page it said "I'm the girl who is constantly reminded of her mistakes and has them shoved down her throat." That WAS my headline. But he got all pissed off cuz he says it is negative. Well, that headline says more about me than anything I can say. At least I don't have my tits hangin out and it says I'm divorced (I actually put that I'm married so no one tries any funny shit!!!!!!!!!) and that my occupation is a partier. That would be his sister's. She isn't divorced. She is VERY married for 7 years. So I tell him that and it doesn't matter to him. I mean, good Lord, his name is at the top and I have changed the headline to read "Hopelessly in love with RAL (actually says his name...)". He is all over my page!
I think he cheated on his wife and she paid him back with the same token (his saying!!) and he is afraid I will do the same. Sorry bud. Not like that. So anyway, I have changed it. He still is pissed off but you know what? I will get over it. If he doesn't, well then that is his problem! His antics are getting old. Just because I love him doesn't mean I have to put up with his crap. I have told him that. He needs to see that I love him. Despite all of his faults. He doesn't understand that he is NOT perfect! He says he knows it but he is so high up on his high horse that sooner or later he is gonna fall off and it's a LONG way down!!!!!!!!! So that is my rant for the day. Why can't he just try to be happy? Isn't that what all humankind strives for? Happiness?

Life is beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm back! Im happy! And I am completely in love with Robert!!!!!!!!! My computer is up and running and now I can blog all I want! The last year has had its up and downs. The biggest leap forward is that we now live together. It hasnt been perfect the last 9 months but it's been really really good! I have put my anger aside and am still learning to put aside the cheating. I have forgiven him 90% but I can't forget. I keep trying but it's not working.
On another note, when I get batteries for my camera I will be updating Giselle's page. She was soooo small! Now she is potty trained and quite the little princess! My oldest son is having a blast in high school! He has a steady girlfriend (who I am not quite sure I like) and lots of friends. He did pretty well in school this year. I am proud. My 15 year old is going to make me tear out my hair! He thinks he knows it all. Of course I think we all did at 15! My thirteen year old is doing very well too. Loves middle school and has already had girls calling my house! AAARRRGGGHHH! My 11 year old graduated 5th grade and starts middle school in the fall despite needing Special Education classes. They thought they would have to hold him back but they got it together and got him the help he needs.
All in all life is beautiful. I get to wake up to the people who mean the most to me! I have a good paying job and have a lot of new friends. This is one post where I can honestly say I can't complain. I have it good.

Another day...

Had a boring weekend but it was nice because I spent it with Robert. The kids were with my mom except the baby. We went bowling Friday night, went to his new friend's house on Saturday and went to a birthday party on Sunday. Today I worked and then we went to his parent's house. We are still talking about moving in together but with all the past drama, I don't know if it's a good idea. I want what's best for my family and I also want to be happy. Things are a little better. I am still having a problem with the cheating but I am working on forgiving him. I don't know how it will work out. I still have a few months to decide what I want.

What a crazy ride!

These past few months have been nuts, seriously. I have moved in with my girlfriend with her kids and my boys. Giselle is with Robert and the boys father is wanted for a felony and abandoned them with me. I got a job at Target nearby. It's seasonal but I think they are gonna keep me. I don't want to jinx it though. Things are rough. Robert and I are going through really hard times. I love him and I am giving it all I have, but I don't know if it will last. Only time will tell.

I'm back again (for a minute)

I'm at the library once again. So because this is personal and I don't want anyone to read over my shoulder, I will make it quick. I stayed with Robert. I have been thrown out of my house because I couldn't find a job fast enough. So I have been staying with him for about 2 weeks. Still looking for a job. I can't stay there much longer because my fears were right. I took his phone the other day and listened to his messages. There was a saved one from a girl. I confronted him about it and he said that it was his married friend's girlfriend. Ididn't buy it and I told him as much. So I took off with his phone for the night adn she called back 9 times for his friend. I said, "If you're covering for your friend why is she calling 9 times? Why didn't she just leave him a message and that is it?" She was obviously wanting him to answer. So anyway, I hve to get out of there. I have to get a job and then I am out. I will only have the baby. Dickhead finally stood up and is taking the boys. So that's it in a nutshell. Miss you all and I can't wait to be able to catch up on your blogs!

I'm back for a minute

The shit has hit the fan. My computer is still out so I am at the library doing this. I got thrown out into the street by my mom. Been living hand to mouth with no cash except what Robert gives to me. He's been okay. He's gonna take the baby and my ex will have the boys as the 1st of the month. Hopefully I can get it together. Finding a job is even harder now that I don't have an address or a phone. I really need your prayers. Hopefully I can get my shit together soon!

Coming out of hiding

I'm not ready to do so, but I have to get it off my chest. He called me last Monday night. He said he didn't want to hear me bitch and what not about him being gone. He knew he was gonna hear it anyway, but whatever. So I told him I need to think about us and what is going to happen. I am going to decide. I refuse to leave it up to him. I already know what I am going to do I am just letting him stew in it like I was forced to. I will call him Thursday and end it. He has only called a few times and I have instructed all to tell him I am busy. I am still hurt and angry that he could be so inconsiderate of my feelings. So anyway, back into hiding.

No word yet

I figure he will call when he wants to see Giselle. I wrote him a letter that I will send on Monday. I know it won't matter and there is a one percent chance that I might have spoken to him by the time he gets it but I needed to do it. To let him know exactly what has been on my mind since Wednesday. If I knew how to copy and paste it (it's not in MSWord) to the blog I would. Oh well. It just hurts. I don't know how else to react. I'm angry and hurt and I am channeling an early Alanis right now. I am bitter and cynical and I don't even care anymore. I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.

It's after midnight...again!

His phone is back on. Left another message. I can't believe this. This is not normal behavior. I wish he would just call me and let me know what is going on. Bastard.

Confused as hell...

I went by his house. His car and motorcycle were there but he didn't answer the door. So whoever he is with picked him up. I tried to call from a payphone but his voicemail picked up right away again. I went by to drop a letter at his house. I basically said that the ball is in his court. Of course, I am sticking by my "It's over" but he doesn't have to know that. I want answers and if he thinks he doesn't have to explain I will never have any closure. I am so angry right now! You don't even know! So now I wait. That's the hardest part.
I hate this because I love him. This is so not fair!

Friday afternoon

I still haven't heard from him. The only reason a man stays away from his girl this long without a phone call is because he is with another woman. That is my honest opinion right now. Why wouldn't he try to call or something? I don't want to jump to conclusions but I think that is my most intelligent choice. I would never ever do anything like this! I can't believe that he would do something like this either. He lied to me. No he didn't tell me he was going but lying by omission is still lying. In fact it's worse than lying! It's deceitful and dishonest. I am going to end it with him. There is no excuse for this. I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life and into beyond. God give the strength to do this.
I hope he at least tries to get me to not end it with him. That would make me feel a little better. Like I matter. But it's over. You can't treat someone like they don't exist and think everything will be okay. I love him but I didn't deserve this.
Karma will be my friend. She will look down on me and embrace me. Revenge will be mine without having to do a thing. I will come out smelling like a rose and he will the compost that nourishes my very being. I love Karma!

I can't deal

He never called me. How can someone be so callous? I am dying inside. Why doesn't he care enough to even call? It's not fair. I have left message after message and still nothing. What excuse could he possibly have for treating me so horribly? And why do I still the jerk after all this? I don't know if I will be able to get past this. Please God give me strength. There might be another post if he answers his phone on his lunch hour. Don't hold your breath.

It's after midnight

and I still haven't heard from him. I am dying inside. I don't know what to do or to think. Why would he ignore me like this? Sure the first few messages were not very kind. But then I begin to get panicky and they became more worrisome and then they got angry again then they got sad and hopeless. What a joke. Why would he do this unless he is cheating again? Please help me. I need strength.

Well, his phone is back on. I left a message for him to call me. It's been half an hour and nothing. It's the end isn't it? God I hate being left in the dark in my own life.

You gotta be shittin' me!

I still haven't heard from him. I tried calling at his lunch hour and his voicemail picked up again. I left him a message telling him that I am actually getting scared that something bad has happened to him. So after stewing for a few minutes I went to his sister Mari's house (she lives a few blocks from me) to find out if they had heard from him. His mom was there and I asked her and she said he told her he was going camping with his friends from work. My first reaction was that I was glad he wasn't dead or in a hospital or in jail! Then it turned to rage and I excused myself saying I had to get back home. I rolled up my windows and let out this big scream of frustration. So I came back home and left another message on his machine thanking him for telling me about his little vacation. So I said that we need to talk cuz it's was kinda weird that he would tell his girlfriend that he was going away. Then I ended with "Or am I your girlfriend?" I have a bad feeling. I have a feeling it's over. I just wish I had been let in on that piece of information. So anyway, I am going to write up a document over custody and child support for Giselle and have him sign it so he doesn't have to think that he needs to be with me to be with her.
The hardest part about this is that I don't want to be without him. I love him. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I just want to explode! I am so angry and so hurt that I really don't know how to react! Now it really needs to be about me. He and I have a lot of talking to do when he comes home. I deserve answers. That's the least he could do for me.
And I just thought of something else. He had to have known by Friday that he was going because he would have had to tell his boss. So now I think he is just up to no good. It really pisses me off because I used to ask him all the time to take a day off of work so he and I could spend time together and he wouldn't do it. And there is NOOO way his boss would let more than one guy at a time take a few days off. He has a small company and each man has one specific job to do. Robert is the one always telling me that Bob would have a hard time replacing him if he quit. So I find it hard to believe that Bob would let him and his friends all take Monday and today off. And he was acting weird Sunday night when he dropped Giselle off.
Dear God, I really need your strength right now. Please make me strong and protect me from what I am sure is to come. Please give me the strength to have the dignity to hold my head up high. My Karma has already come back, Lord, and I have paid for my sins with heartache and pain. Please stand by me in my hour of need. Amen.
I just want to be happy. With or without Robert. I must be an idiot. Here is a guy who is hurting me and I still want to be with him. This cannot be normal. Why would I want to stay when I know that he has concerns for my feelings at all? I am not stupid. I know what I am worth. I know what I am capable of giving a man and what I deserve. So why am I so hopelessly in love with this man? But at the same time they say love is only love when it is honestly returned in kind. But how can I be so sure in my own feelings? The moment it hit me that I truly loved him was when I took him back after cheating on me. I have NEVER done that. That has always been the dealbreaker with me. I don't care how long I have been with someone. You cheat on me that's it. You're done. But I didn't do that with Robert. I really thought about how much he meant to me and I let him back in after alot of thought and prayers and talking to my friends. Maybe I shouldn't have. If he is cheating again I will never speak to him again. I don't deserve it again.

OOOKAAAAY...

I haven't heard from Robert at all. I star 67'd my number and tried to call but his voicemail picked up right away. So now my suspicious mind is working overtime. So I wonder where we stand. I guess I wait. I did tell him that I would wait for his call when he had time for me so I can't call him. It's pissin me off. So anyway, maybe I will have something interesting to say tomorrow.

Sorta irritated. No...I AM irritated!!!!

I haven't heard from Robert since he dropped Giselle off last night around 7pm. I always call him in the morning at 6:20 to make sure he gets up. His phone went straight to voicemail. Then I called at lunch and he didn't pick up. No biggie. Then I called after I knew he should have been home about 5:30. Nothing. I left him a message to call me when he got the message. It's nearly 10:30 and nothing. Here goes my suspicious mind again. It should be interesting if he calls me. I was supposed to go see him tonight. Fat chance that is gonna happen now. So anyway, I'm irritated. Where's the respect? If he was gonna be busy he could've called. Sure I would have been upset but that has never stopped him before from doing whatever the hell he wants. So anyway, keep ya posted.

Saturday

It was nice party. The band sucked. So the music sucked. The only time Robert and I danced was when the band took a break and they turned on the CD player. I now know I haven't lost it for him. I still feel the same connection when we dance. The rest of the night, however, is a different story. Sure he was busy. I can't deny that. He had to sit at the table with the other attendents (including my son who looked gorgeous in his zoot suit!) for dinner. Then they did the dance. Then he went and sat with his family (mostly his brother Mike who he hadn't seen in months!). So that was fine. But then he mostly igored me the rest of the night. I had to beg him to dance or I would find someone else to dance with. He laughed and pulled me to the dance floor. So after it was over I went back to his house after dropping Brandon off at home and he was asleep! After I said I was coming over to spend some time with him. I was disappointed but I didn't get upset. At least not until I got home this morning and begin to think about last night. I asked him why we don't go dancing anymore and he said because of the baby. I said "What if I get a babysitter?" He said we'd go. So I begin to think about that this morning. He keeps saying he doesn't pay enough attention to me because of the baby. He paid attention to his wife after they had a kid. Enough to knock her up again. So if she left him for another guy I don't understand why. I can understand if he paid here the attention he pays me. I felt so neglected last night. I just can't bring myself to cheat. He is so much to me. When I called him a little while I actually felt a little better. So I told him that I was coming over tomorrow night and that I craved attention from him. I have learned over the last 2 and a half years that subtlety doesn't work with him. I have to just spit out what I want and need. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Numb to it all...

I haven't been thinking at all. I haven't been overanalyzing anything or hashing and rehashing things over and over like I have done in the past. I think this is my way of being in denial. But at the same timeI have just been doing my thing and if Robert happens to be included and shows up that's fine. He came by yesterday to take my oldest to get his tux fitted for Robert's niece's quincenera. He stuck around for a little while and hung with the boys. I just kind of ignored him while he was here. I don't think he noticed. There hasn't been any drama lately and that's good. Of course I haven't really gone over anything with him or asked him anything. In the last 2 weeks I have seen him 4 times. My choice. My depression is just sort of taking over. I think that if I don't spend so much time with him I won't go insane wondering why he isn't paying more attention to me or whatever goes through my head when I am with him. And it also give me a chance to actually miss him. I don't spit shit out and he knows it so when I tell him I miss him, it's heartfelt.
Tomorrow is Maritza's quincenera and we will be together all day. I am actually looking forward to it. We haven't danced together in forever. That is my connection to him. I miss that. That is when I feel closest to him, when he holds me close and looks into my eyes and smiles. If that connection is gone then I have nothing. Okay, so now I'm scared. Shit. Will report back on Sunday.

Smile!

I am at a good place right now. I feel at peace with myself even though I have not seen Robert since Friday night. I probably won't see him for a few more days and that is actually okay with me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder I expect. The last few days when I have begun to get anxious wondering where he is, what he's up to, etc. I just tell myself that God is looking out for me and wouldn't put anything on my plate that I can't handle.
Anyway, Giselle is now officially mobile. I wish I could put video on her blog site so everyone could see! She was so cute last night when she finally did it. She got this big goofy grin on her face and just took off and hasn't stopped! My angel!

Things are just going along

Nothing to "report" today. Things are actually okay. I have been sorta been avoiding Robert. I went over Monday night and he came by Tuesday night for an hour and I haven't seen him since. I have called him a few times, he's called me a few times. But I don't feel like I'm at the end of a relationship. I think taking some time for me has helped even if it's only been 2 weeks. We haven't fought and I am not constantly wondering where he is if he's not with me. I think this is what I've needed. I think that maybe in a few weeks I will be really ready to start fresh with Robert. I know I will never forget that he cheated on me but I think I will be able to completely forgive him. I thought I had, but after doing some soulsearching and going to church and praying, I realized that I hadn't. Not completely. I'm ready now. To love him completely and fully. Something I haven't been able to do in more than a year. I decided it's time to either commit or quit. I want to commit. One hundred percent.

Finding myself despite myself

The talk went well. I told Robert that I need to find myself to make myself happy before I could make him happy. He agreed with me and said he loved me despite of my apparent bouts of irratonality (Is that even a word?) Anyway, I am still taking things one day at a time and have decided to do more things for me and fit him in when I need to. I told him this and told him that in no way did it mean that I would ignore him or blow him off but I needed to find me again. Not the crazy party girl me cuz that is WAY over, but the me who had standards and dignity and was okay with who I was and could be alone and still be happy. That woman is in me somewhere and she needs to come back. That is who he fell in love with to begin with right? I was outgoing and carefree and did whatever I pleased without worrying what he thought and now I am submissive and constantly trying to please him without regard for myself. If I end up not being with him after "finding" myself, I will be okay because that is who I was at one time. I could live without a man. The only difference is now I don't want to live without him. I guess in a way I have grown in this relationship. But I will only take it one day at a time. I love him. That is what is important. I need to be happy. Whether with him or without him.

I'm baaa-aaack!

I had a total computer meltdown! Okay, I'm exaggerating. I had to have a part replaced in my computer. So it's been gone for 8 whole days! And in those 8 days nothing has really changed. Still don't have a job, still with Robert (but that might end soon), kids are still driving me nuts and I had to put my cat down that I have had since I was 14.
Anyway, my suspicions are really running deep and nowI am deciding if I want to stay in this relationship or not. Robert is coming over tonight and we are going to talk. I'm scared that I might lose him. I'm beginning to be more afraid that I have lost myself.

Why people? Why???

I went to a job interview this morning. I was stoked! Turns out I am not even close to qualified for this position! I used a quarter of a gallon of gas to get to this place and it seems that they made a mistake! A mistake? It might be a small inconvience to you, but to me that is valuable gas and precious time! Idiots! I'm so frustrated! I have NEVER had a problem getting a job! And now that my kids are nearly starving to death I am getting fucking desperate! I have been putting off welfare for so long. Nine years to be exact. I really don't want to have to do that. Maybe the place I used to work is hiring. I think I will check into that. But with gas prices, it will be a bitch! I don't know.

My turn

I took some advice and told Robert that I couldn't see him tonight because I had other plans. He looked completely shocked and asked what I was doing. I told him I was going to catch up with some friends. I left it at that and he didn't question it. The only people I am catching up with are the blogs I read religeously. But he doesn't need to know that! Make myself less available to him. That was the advice. I will try it and see what happens. He called me a little while ago and I told him I couldn't talk for long but I would call him tomorrow and that I loved him. He was speechless! I like this idea!
Anyway, I was watching "Riding in Cars with Boys" yesterday and I was reminded of my favorite line in that movie and I totally identify with it. Drew Barrymore says to Peter Facinelli "I'm 22 years old and I haven't accepted that this is my life...I wish I wasn't smart so I wouldn't realize it." That is EXACTLY how I feel about my life! I haven't accepted my life. I wish I didn't have to. I have no one to blame but myself for the choices I have made. If I could go back and change things I would in a heartbeat. The question is: would I actually be happy? I guess I will never know. I have to do what I can with what I have. I have to make my own happiness and allow others into my life share it. I think that is how it is supposed to be.

Frustrated

This is how I feel right now. I have been blown offf 3 times this weekend by Robert. I was supposed to go out with him last night but he decided to hang out with his brother in law. Then he was supposed to come over today to make up for it but decided to go out with friends. So I was to go over tonight to have him make it up to me but he decided to stay at his friends. Fine. Fucking stay. But when you want me to come over (which honestly isn't too often anymore!) I won't be bothered. I'm taking some good advice about getting a life. Maybe as time goes along he won't fit in my life. His loss. I'm good girlfriend/wife material. Maybe I should let someone else find that out.

Few and far between

That will be the frequency of my posts for 10 to 15 business days. My AC adapter is messed up and they will be sending me a new one in that amount of time. So I will barely have any battery to do long posts. So in short, everything here is okay. No drama the last few days which is great for my sanity. And I have been happy since Thursday. Three days. Wow. I'm impressed.

Few and far between

That will be the frequency of my posts for 10 to 15 business days. My AC adapter is messed up and they will be sending me a new one in that amount of time. So I will barely have any battery to do long posts. So in short, everything here is okay. No drama the last few days which is great for my sanity. And I have been happy since Thursday. Three days. Wow. I'm impressed.

I was havin' a good day...

mindin' my own business when I decided to check the mail. It'd been a few days. So I grab it, begin to sort it and stop dead in my tracks when an enveloe with familiar handwriting is staring me in the face. I look at it then flip it over. No return address. Should I open it? Should I throw it away? Oh what the hell!
" Dear Weda,
Hey you! Remember me? Hope so. Cause I have not forgotten about you.
Every time I see a Cubs game on the tube I think of you & I when we went to the game and I see the section we sat at. Boy what a time that was. It was the best. Bet you wish you were a sox fan! HAHAHA! It's okay, I'll let you change over.
So you have to tell me how you've been. I'm sure you are doing fine. An you boys are probably taller than you. So are you still with Robert? I wonder if you married him or moved in with him.
I'm still in Crystal Lake. Right off Main St. Behind La Rosita store. You can see Duke's from my crib.
So I don't want to write too much. Hey I work at Kohl's in the evenings and weekends. You should stop by. I'll give you my discount on anything you admire. 15% on clothes and 10% on shoes. Well you take care. Here is my phone # ***-***-****. Please call me or text me. Soon! So anxious to here from you.
Your friend,
the loco Tejano"

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, that is an exboyfriend. More pointedly, the one I was engaged to that cheated on me with his wife. I can't figure out why he would want to contact me after all this time. I talked to him about a month after Robert and I started dating. I told him to leave me alone because I was looking for some happiness in my life. After reading the letter I began to reminisce (and I feel only a little guilty for that) about us. He actually made me feel loved and wanted. Even after he cheated with her he was coming to my house begging my forgiveness telling me he loved me more than life itself. But I stuck to my guns about not being with a cheater. And after reading it, I know I made the right choice. The last time I talked to him he and his wife and kids were moving to Texas. He would leave me alone but he would forever love me. Apparently things didn't work out with his wife and Texas. Should have stayed true, babe. Should have stayed true.
I will not contact him. It would be wrong. Not only that, I don't have the desire to. The past is the past. Besides, what would I tell him? That my life is teetering on the edge of sanity? No, better to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think I could be with him again anyway. He was more drama than Robert and I put together. I must admit though we did have a fantastic time together! We were the party no matter where we showed up! Okay, enough of this. I'm going to call Robert. And no, I am not going to tell him my past is trying to catch up with me. I see no need for it. It will only increase our drama. I am his alone.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I whole heartedly believe that. I believe that you can find happiness as long as you are truly looking. Things happen for a reason. With all that being said, I am still afraid to call that number. I'm not ready for my life to possibly fall apart. I would rather sit in my blissfully ignorant state right now.
I went to Robert's last night. We talked. He asked me if I loved him. Without all the dramatics I am well known for I simply answered "With all my heart, body and soul." Not another word was spoken between us as I fell asleep in his arms. Today, however I am wondering why he would ask me such a thing. Since my break up with Asshole, I have never stayed in a relationship that I didn't want to be in. Life is too short to be miserable. Is it normal to ask that question of someone who is so obviously enamored of you that they are willing to do whatever it takes to show you? Did that make sense? It sounded good in my head before I wrote it. Anyway, I am taking the advice that was given to me and am going to wait until I am ready to accept what is to be my future. I am not strong enough to handle what may happen. I am at a bad place in my life and in my head and I don't want the "OMFG I was right!" to take over my thinking right now. I have things I need to concentrate on. My kids, getting a job and just becoming the old me again. I have not spent as much time with Robert lately. It helps and hurts at the same time. While I do miss him, I also get a chance to clear my head and think about my future and what I want and need. I need to find my strength. I need to become myself in order to be myself. I have been lost for so long. I am afraid.

More TRUTHZ...

Someone who I have come to trust over the last six months has come back. With some wisdom no less! I have done everything but call. I think I'm afraid of what I will hear. She asked me some hard questions (hard to me anyway). I'm not sure where I would go with any information I would get. It's so easy to say I would leave. In the past I would have. Now I don't know what I would do. I want to think that I would leave because I am worthy of better. But my heart would be screaming the whole time "WTF are you doing?" So again, I find myself questioning if it's worth it or should I keep myself in the dark? It's a hard question. I am afraid of the answer.